A Drunk Scottsman

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1. A gruesome discovery A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. “What’s underneath your kilt?”, she asked him. “Why don’t you take a look”, he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt. then let it go,”Oh, it’s gruesome!” “Well, why don’t you take another look, it […]...
2. Driving home very drunk It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before […]...
3. Your father is drunk To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why, Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk. He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks, Daddy’s home and […]...
4. Перевод слова bush Bush – куст Перевод слова Bush of hair – копна волос flourishing bush – цветущий куст righteous bush – марихуана The Bush was transplanted to a different part of the garden. Куст пересадили в другую часть сада. Into that Bush pop he goes. И внезапно он скрылся в кустах. He squatted behind the Bush to […]...
5. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and […]...
6. He is extremely drunk Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. “Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven […]...
7. Arriving home very drunk A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.” The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles […]...
8. Test for being drunk A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.” The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have […]...
9. An academic problem In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?” Mathematician: […]...
10. Good girls vs. Bad girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during […]...
11. Bush fans v. Kerry fans There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy – Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to […]...
12. A woman walks into a pet store A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, “I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.” “No worries,” replies the clerk. […]...
13. I know you were drunk yesterday A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his […]...
14. Значение идиомы walk the chalk [walk the chalk] or [walk the chalk line] or [walk the chalk mark]To act exactly as you are supposed to; behave properly; obey. Thatnew teacher really makes the students walk the chalk. In someclasses the students play and talk, but Mr. Parker makes them walk thechalk. That theater owner wants his place to be orderly, […]...
15. Humor about Drunk Irishmen A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor […]...
16. A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife’s throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, “What the fuck are you doing?” “Just giving you an aspirin for your headache.” The bloke answered. “But I ain’t got a headache,” she yelled […]...
17. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says “Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?” Watson […]...
18. Значение идиомы beat about the bush [beat about the bush] or [beat around the bush] {v. phr.}, {slang} To talk about things without giving a clear answer; avoid the question or the point. He would not answer yes or no, but beat about the bush. He beat about the bush for a half hour without coming to the point. Compare: BESIDE […]...
19. This fellow dies and goes to heaven This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: “Why are girls so pretty?” God: “So you’ll like them.” Guy: “Why are girls soft?” God: “So you’ll like them.” Guy: “Why are girls so dumb?” God: “So they’ll like you.”...
20. Stuck in a plane George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. “Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!” […]...
21. Перевод идиомы beat around the bush / beat about the bush, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: beat around the bush / beat about the bush Перевод: ходить вокруг да около; говорить уклончиво и не по существу Пример: Stop beating around the bush and give us your final decision. Хватит ходить вокруг да около, скажи свое окончательное решение....
22. Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother’s room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, “I want a man, I want a man.” Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory […]...
23. Значение идиомы answer one’s calling [answer one’s calling] {v. phr.} To fulfill one’s destiny in terms of work or profession by doing what one has a talent for. Don answered his calling when he became a chiropractor. Susy answered her calling when she became a violinist....
24. A dangerous job This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. “Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks. “Boy,” is the man’s response. “Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,” says […]...
25. A circumcision Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school. Danny says “I won’t be going to school tomorrow.” “Why not?” asks Joey. “I have to go to the hospital,” says Danny woefully. “That’s awful,” says Joey. “Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?” Danny shakes his head and […]...
26. He’s drunk at the bar One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his […]...
27. Little Johnny comes home from school Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls,” and would his mother,”please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” So johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, […]...
28. Two drunks walk into a bar Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says “I gotta go use the can.” So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 … 10… 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and […]...
29. Top ten signs that you are too drunk 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. […]...
30. George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, “Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. […]...
31. There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says” Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.” The drunks replies,” I’m sorry I […]...
32. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2 Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the […]...
33. A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and […]...
34. A drunk staggered into a cemetery and A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. “Get me out of here”, said the one in the grave, “I’m cold”. The other one looked over the edge and said, “No wonder you’re cold, you poor guy. You don’t have any dirt on […]...
35. Drunk orders himself a beer A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could […]...
36. There was a drunk man walking down the street turning There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?” The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.” The police officer […]...
37. A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. “Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?” he asked. “An arrow?” the confused driver said. “I didn’t even see the Indians...
38. I get so drunk that I imagine things The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?” “A mongoose.” “What for?” “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. […]...
39. Catch a drunk driver Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” “Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel […]...
40. Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me […]...