A Burglar is in Big Trouble

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1. A robber was robbing a houseA robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. «Jesus is watching you!» «who’s there?» The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. «What’s your name,» the robber asked. «Cocodora» said the parrot. «Now, what kind of ... Читать далее...
2. Footless ParrotA guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised ... Читать далее...
3. A very Insulting ParrotThis elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, «My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.» She turns around quickly to see who ... Читать далее...
4. Heavenly golfMoses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова suddenSudden — внезапный, неожиданный, стремительный Перевод слова Sudden change — внезапные изменения, внезапный сдвиг the sudden closeness of the weather — неожиданно душная погода sudden departure — поспешный уход This is so Sudden. Это так неожиданно. Sudden I heard a voice. Неожиданно я услышал чей-то голос. He made a Sudden stand. Он внезапно остановился...
6. You are in troubleAn evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself «Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.» There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: «No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your ... Читать далее...
7. The alcohol troubleDuring grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols: The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of ... Читать далее...
8. A woman was thinking about finding a petA woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large ... Читать далее...
9. Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishingJesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses «I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.» and Moses says «Yeah sure.» So Jesus gets up and says «I think I’ll walk on the water, that was always a good one.» So Jesus ... Читать далее...
10. ZHow offensive is that?How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. «Paul… Paul,» He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes ... Читать далее...
11. A man went to the police station wishing to speakA man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. «You’ll get your chance in court,» said the desk sergeant. «No, no, no!» said the man. «I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying ... Читать далее...
12. Magician and ParrotMagician and Parrot A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician ... Читать далее...
13. A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrotA guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. «This one’s $5,000 and the other is $10,000.» the clerk said. «Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?» «This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.» «And the other?» said the customer. ... Читать далее...
14. Guy goes to hell and is met by the devilGuy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room ... Читать далее...
15. Now he’s in troubleA police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, «what’s the problem officer?» To which the policeman responded, «I stopped you for running that red light behind you.» Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and ... Читать далее...
16. Passing a parrotA lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, «Hey lady, you are really ugly.» Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same ... Читать далее...
17. Значение идиомы parrot-fashion[parrot-fashion] {adv.} Like a parrot; by rote memorization andwithout any understanding. The candidate delivered a speech thatwas prepared for him and he read it parrot-fashion....
18. Перевод идиомы ask for trouble / look for trouble, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: ask for trouble / look for trouble Перевод: напрашиваться на неприятности; вести себя таким образом, который приведет к неприятностям Пример: The boy is asking for trouble if he misses another class. Этот мальчик сам напросится на неприятности, если пропустит еще одно занятие....
19. A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrotA black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder…the bartender looks up and says » where the hell did you get that thing? The Parrot replies » Over in Africa, there’s millions of them » !!!!...
20. The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his ownThe man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, «Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?» In a strident voice she responded, «How dare you make such a proposition to me?» The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable ... Читать далее...
21. A young mother paying a visit to a doctorA young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, «I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.» «No,» said the doctor calmly, ... Читать далее...
22. Business is businessA young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, «Who was the greatest man that ever lived?» A girl raises her hand and says, «I think George Washington was the ... Читать далее...
23. The Preacher buys a ParrotA preacher is buying a parrot. «Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?» asked the preacher. «Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,» the storekeeper assures him. «Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he ... Читать далее...
24. A crowd had gathered around a whore andA crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her. Jesus stepped in front of her and said: «Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.» From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked ... Читать далее...
25. A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrotA middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous ... Читать далее...
26. A jazz chordStevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and ... Читать далее...
27. Значение идиомы Jesus boots[Jesus boots] or [Jesus shoes] {n.}, {slang} Men’s sandals, particularly as worn by hippies and very casually dressed people. Idig your Jesus boots, man, they look cool....
28. The Plumber has arrivedA lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s ... Читать далее...
29. Перевод слова stealSteal — украсть, воровать Перевод слова To steal the election — победить на выборах благодаря ухищрениям разного рода to steal a kiss — сорвать поцелуй to steal from a household — украсть из дома They’ve Stolen our liberty. Они похитили нашу свободу. Hunger drove them to Steal. Голод заставил их пойти на воровство. He’d Stolen ... Читать далее...
30. Biologist experimentThere was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says «Jump frog, jump!». The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: ‘Frog with 4 legs — jumps 2 feet’. Next he chops ... Читать далее...
31. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golfOne Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do ... Читать далее...
32. Just cut your hair firstA young man comes home and says «Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.» Father replies, :»O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months ... Читать далее...
33. Got something«Get this.» said the bloke to his mates, «Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. «Did he get anything.» his mates asked. «yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.»...
34. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious itemsA man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with «WWJD» printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for ... Читать далее...
35. Pray hardA lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, «Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.» «What do they say?» the priest inquired. «They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?» «That’s obscene!» the priest exclaimed, ... Читать далее...
36. And Jesus said unto his disciplesAnd Jesus said unto his disciples, «Whom do men say that I am?» And His disciples answered unto Him, «Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.» And Jesus said, «What?»...
37. The Naming of JesusA group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that ... Читать далее...
38. Having Trouble Making a DecisionLorenzo: Have you bought a new television yet? Katia: No, I’m still looking at Consumer reviews and Weighing my options. I’m not sure yet what size I want or what features I need. I’m Keeping my options open for now. Lorenzo: I thought your old TV stopped working three weeks ago. You still haven’t Made ... Читать далее...
39. Having Trouble Making a DecisionLorenzo: Have you bought a new television yet? Katia: No, I’m still looking at Consumer reviews and Weighing my options. I’m not sure yet what size I want or what features I need. I’m Keeping my options open for now. Lorenzo: I thought your old TV stopped working three weeks ago. You still haven’t Made ... Читать далее...
40. Перевод слова voiceVoice — голос, способность петь; выражать Перевод слова The compass of a voice — диапазон голоса in a decided voice — твердым голосом to voice a desire — выражать пожелание I know this Voice! Я узнаю этот голос! Sh! Keep your Voice down! Тсс! Говорите потише! His Voice deepened. Его голос стал более глубоким....