Where am I, Cathy?

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1. A precise locationAttorney to witness: «And where was the location of the accident?» Witness: «Approximately milepost 499.» Attorney: «And where is milepost 499?» Witness: «About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.»...
2. The local courtroom was packed as testimony beganThe local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been ... Читать далее...
3. Larry’s barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, calledLarry’s barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company… Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one ... Читать далее...
4. Ask your questionOne day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. «Will you state your name?» asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her ... Читать далее...
5. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a questionWhy lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, «Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?» She responded, «Why, yes I do know ... Читать далее...
6. Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekendEd, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other. At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, «Wow, unbelievable!» Which woke Ed. «What’s going on?» said Ed. «I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my ... Читать далее...
7. Being Cited for a DUISusan: Hey, Jack, you’re an Attorney. Do you know anything about DUIs? Jack: Sure, I’ve Handled a few DUI Cases. Susan: I was just wondering about the Penalties for a DUI. Jack: Well, if it’s a First offense, you’ll be Fined and may be placed on Probation. You’ll need to attend DUI school, and your ... Читать далее...
8. A farmer walked into an attorney officeA farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, «May I help you?» The farmer said, «Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.» The attorney said, «well do you have any grounds?» The farmer said, «Yea, I got about 140 acres.» The attorney said, » No, ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова witnessWitness — свидетель, очевидец Перевод слова To call as witness — вызывать в качестве свидетеля witness custody — взятие под стражу свидетеля to impeach a witness — оспаривать свидетельское показание The defense called only one Witness. Защита вызвала только одного свидетеля. Who Witnessed his signing the documents? Кто видел, как он подписывал эти документы? My ... Читать далее...
10. John receives a phone callJohn receives a phone call. «Hello,» he answers. The voice on the ot other end says, «This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago.» John: «Hmm… Susan? about 3 months ago?» Susan: «Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова upsetUpset — расстройство, огорчение; выводить из равновесия, опрокидывать Перевод слова Mental upset — психическое расстройство to upset a boat — опрокинуть лодку a bit of an upset with his father — небольшая размолвка с отцом to upset everything in the house — перевернуть все в доме He was Upset but never let it show. Он ... Читать далее...
12. Значение идиомы shoot questions at[shoot questions at] {v. phr.} To interrogate rapidly andvigorously. The attorney for the prosecution shot one questionafter another at the nervous witness....
13. Poetic justiceA man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park. The witness: They were fucking your honor The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way: The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова attorneyAttorney — поверенный, адвокат Перевод слова Attorney general — главный прокурор штата by attorney — по доверенности to obtain an attorney — получить адвоката You may need to retain an Attorney. Вам, возможно, потребуется нанять адвоката. Their brother was articled to an Attorney. Их брат стажировался у адвоката. I can give you the address of ... Читать далее...
15. A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husbandA wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, «You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!» Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, ... Читать далее...
16. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuitA big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace ... Читать далее...
17. Planning a WeddingSeamus: What’s that? Cathy: It’s a planning book for our Wedding. Seamus: We aren’t getting married for a year and a half. Cathy: I know, but there are so many things to plan. We have to book the Hall far in advance, you know, and once we Set the date, we have to send out ... Читать далее...
18. Значение идиомы morning after[morning after] {n.}, {slang} The effects of drinking liquor orstaying up late as felt the next morning; a hangover. One of thetroubles of drinking too much liquor is the morning after. Mr. Smith woke up with a big headache and knew it was the morning after....
19. A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big nightA couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night. The bride rolled over and said, «That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?» The husband replied «Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.» «That’s nice honey» she replied, «What did it look ... Читать далее...
20. A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good lookingA young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, «Stop making love down there!» «What’s the matter with you?» the husband said when the sailor climbed down. «We weren’t making love.» «Sorry,» said the sailor, «From ... Читать далее...
21. Being under oath«You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,» sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. «If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,» replied the witness....
22. A defending attorney was cross examining a coronerA defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, «Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?» The coroner says, «No.» The attorney then asks, «Did you listen for a heart beat?» «No.» «So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова husbandHusband — муж Перевод слова Ex-husband, former husband — бывший муж henpecked husband — подкаблучник to leave one’s husband — оставить мужа My Husband doesn’t cook Мой муж не готовит. She lied to her Husband. Она солгала мужу. She cheats on her Husband. Она изменяет своему мужу....
24. A woman comes homeA woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. «That’s terrible!!!» said her husband, «What would you like to do during your last hours? I’ll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.» «Well,» she said, «First, I want to ... Читать далее...
25. A wise choiceThe following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: «At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?» Farmer: «That’s right.» Attorney: «Well, then, how is it ... Читать далее...
26. Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife saidVisiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, «I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.» «What do you mean?» asked the attorney. «Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?» «No,» replied the ... Читать далее...
27. A tough case was being argued in courtA tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. «The judge’ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!» «I don’t think so,» his attorney told him. «I sent it in ... Читать далее...
28. What dreams meanAfter she woke up, a woman told her husband, «I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?» «You’ll know tonight.» he said. That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it — to find ... Читать далее...
29. A fellow in a bar notices a womanA fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. «No thank you,» she said politely.» «This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.» «That ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы on one’s chest[on one’s chest] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Hidden in your thoughts orfeelings and bothering you; making you feel worried or upset; that issomething you want to talk to someone about. Jane looks unhappybecause she has the quarrel with Susan on her chest. «Well, Dave,»said the coach, «You look sad — what’s on your chest?» Compare: ONONE’S ... Читать далее...
31. A new statue for the bedroomA woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. «Hurry!» she said, «Stand in the corner.» She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. «Don’t move until I tell you to.» she whispered. «Just pretend you’re a statue.» «What’s ... Читать далее...
32. Значение идиомы be up to no good[be up to no good] {v. phr.}, {informal} To be plotting and conniving to commit some illegal act or crime. «Let’s hurry!» Susan said to her husband. «It’s dark here and those hoodlums obviously are up to no good.»...
33. Getting ChildcareMy friend Susan is an engineer and she’s also a Single mom. She has been working some Odd hours lately and was having a Tough time finding Childcare for her 4-year-old daughter and her 8-year-old son. Her daughter, Kimberly, is enrolled in a Preschool and Susan is able To drop her off On her way ... Читать далее...
34. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors officeA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, «If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die». 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, ... Читать далее...
35. There was an old married couple that had happilyThere was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she ... Читать далее...
36. Silent treatmentA man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and ... Читать далее...
37. A PotluckMike: Thanks a lot for agreeing to help me plan the Block party. Susan: Oh, I’m happy to help. I’m surprised you didn’t ask Bree. She’s so good at planning parties. Mike: I thought about it, but I was afraid she would turn it into a Cocktail party or something. Susan: Yeah, I see what ... Читать далее...
38. Saving the situationAfter attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, «What the hell happened?» «As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,» replied the wife. «Piss on him,» answered the husband. «You did,» said the wife, «and he fired ... Читать далее...
39. Amusing Jokes about the IrishMrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a ... Читать далее...
40. Chain Letter Type lIChain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down) Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he’ll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not *that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made ... Читать далее...