Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest

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1. Passing an exam Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking […]...
2. Two guys are out hunting deer Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?” The second guy says, “No.” “A bald eagle just flew over head.” “Oh.” A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?” “No.” “There was a black bear walking on that hill over there.” “Oh.” A few […]...
3. Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don’t know where they are. The first guy says “I’ll find out” and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says “We’re just over Paris” “How do you know” ask the others “Well I’ve just felt the top of […]...
4. On the Bucket List: Swimming with Pigs in the Bahamas Pigs aren’t usually considered the cuddliest of creatures, but when they’re swimming in the ocean-as opposed to splashing in the mud-they’re downright adorable. Want to practice your backstroke alongside Wilber? Head down to “pig beach” on Big Major Cay in the Bahaman island of Exuma, and dive right into the crystal-clear waters alongside the swine. […]...
5. So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails […]...
6. Плавание/ Swimming На английском языке Перевод на русский язык Swimming Плавание My name is Faina and I’m fourteen years old. I’d like to tell you about my favourite type of sport. It’s swimming, of course. I’m into this sport since the very childhood. I even have some awards and medals for excellent swimming. We all choose which […]...
7. My heart set A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, “All right, let’s check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and […]...
8. Перевод слова pool Pool – бассейн, озерцо, пруд Перевод слова Pool of blood – лужа крови depth of a pool – глубина бассейна outdoor swimming pool – открытый плавательный бассейн freshwater pool – озерцо с пресной водой Everyone jumped into the Pool. Все запрыгнули в бассейн. He shoved me into the Pool. Он столкнул меня в бассейн. The […]...
9. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, […]...
10. OUCH! OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to […]...
11. Two guys are driving through Texas when Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that? The trooper says, “You’re in […]...
12. Перевод слова whistle Whistle – свист, свисток, свистеть Перевод слова To whistle a song – насвистывать мелодию to blow a whistle – свистеть в свисток factory whistle – заводской гудок I heard this song on the radio and I’ve been Whistling it all day. Я слышал эту песню по радио, и я насвистывал ее весь день. The Whistle […]...
13. I trying to prove a point A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you […]...
14. My daughter is your reward Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests. . . I have a proposition to […]...
15. What’s Behind Russia’s Revival of a Soviet-Era Song Contest? At the Applebee’s test kitchen in Kansas City, Mo., nine full-time chefs collaborate to create that certain “menu magic” that entices millions of diners every year. The ultimate test is the customer, but Applebee’s new CEO, Julia Stewart, has to put her stamp of approval on anything that goes out the door and onto the […]...
16. A guy is stranded on an island with only a A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright–but after a few months he gets “lonely”, if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive–soft, pink flesh, […]...
17. Outhouse joke A few years ago some members of the infamous Dartmouth Outing Club pushed an occupied one-seat outhouse off its foundations, onto its door. The victim tried in vain for a few minutes to roll the entire building onto a different side, but soon gave up, as it was too heavy. She then was forced to […]...
18. Значение идиомы blow the whistle on [blow the whistle on] {v. phr.}, {slang} 1. To inform against; betray. The police caught one of the bank robbers, and he blew the whistle on two more. 2. To act against, stop, or tell people the secrets of. The mayor blew the whistle on gambling. The police blew the whistle on hot reading....
19. A perfect choice A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t […]...
20. Four married guys go golfing Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second Guy: “That’s nothing, […]...
21. Значение идиомы bottom [bottom] See: BET ONE’S BOOTS or BET ONE’S BOTTOM DOLLAR, FROM THE BOTTOM OF ONE’S HEART, FROM — TO –, GET TO THE BOTTOM OF, HIT BOTTOM or TOUCH BOTTOM, ROCK BOTTOM, SCRAPE THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL....
22. Three guys are discussing women Three guys are discussing women. “I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy says. The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” He asks the third guy “What about you?”. “Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”...
23. The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General’s early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to […]...
24. A stupid dog While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?” Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.” “Oh, come […]...
25. Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He […]...
26. Biologist experiment There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says “Jump frog, jump!”. The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: ‘Frog with 4 legs – jumps 2 feet’. Next he chops […]...
27. A little delusion The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore […]...
28. Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, “What’s wrong? What’s the emergency?” “Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It’s disfigured.” “Well, how bad is it? Can I see?” “Follow me, sir.” They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in […]...
29. Люди с ограниченными возможностями/ Disabled People На английском языке Перевод на русский язык Disabled People Люди с ограниченными возможностями Today more and more people struggle against different kinds of discrimination. And fortunately their struggle gives its results. One of the most urgent social question is disabled people. People can become disabled for many reasons. They can get into a car accident, […]...
30. Перевод слова bottom Bottom – низ, дно Перевод слова Bottom shelf – нижняя полка bottom fish – донная рыба bottom door – трап, люк It’s on the Bottom shelf. Это на нижней полке. The pants flare at the Bottom. Брюки книзу расширяются. He tripped on the Bottom step. Он споткнулся о нижнюю ступеньку....
31. A disabled sea captain An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, “You’re really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?” “I fell overboard,” says the Captain, “and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark […]...
32. Перевод слова surface Surface – поверхность, внешность Перевод слова The Earth’s surface – поверхность Земли to keep on the surface – держаться на поверхности it is all on the surface – это все показное his politeness is only on the surface – он только внешне вежлив He looks at the Surface only. Он обращает внимание только на внешнюю […]...
33. These two sperm were swimming around These two sperm were swimmin’ around, doin’ their thing and one sperm asks the other…Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube??? Sperm #2 says “Naaaa this is still the esophagus”....
34. Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is […]...
35. Перевод слова arms Arms – оружие, вооружение Перевод слова Arms dealer – торговец оружием arms expenditure – расходы на вооружение arms reduction – сокращение вооружений Present Arms! На караул! (команда) Arms! / To Arms! К оружию! The Arms race has slowed down. Гонка вооружений сбавила обороты. Интересные факты Подобное написание можно встретить как формы других слов: – present […]...
36. Значение идиомы at one’s door [at one’s door] or [at one’s doorstep] {adv. phr.} 1. Very close; very near where you live or work. Johnny is very lucky because there’s a swimming pool right at his doorstep. Mr. Green can get to work in only a few minutes because the subway is at his door. 2. See: LAY AT ONE’S […]...
37. The Contest на английском языке писателя Arthur Conan Doyle In the year of our Lord 66, the Emperor Nero, being at that time in the twenty-ninth year of his life and the thirteenth of his reign, set sail for Greece with the strangest company and the most singular design that any monarch has ever entertained. With ten galleys he went forth from Puteoli, carrying […]...
38. Get some of this Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get’s her head stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the other: “This is too good to pass up,” gets off his […]...
39. Значение идиомы up in arms [up in arms] {adj. phr.} 1. Equipped with guns or weapons and readyto fight. All of the colonies were up in arms against theRedcoats. Syn.: IN ARMS. 2. Very angry and wanting to fight. Robert is up in arms because John said he was stupid. Thestudents were up in arms over the new rule against […]...
40. Buy machine factory An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. “Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.” “Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, […]...