Three calamities

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1. The Barber Shop This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a […]...
2. The wife of an older man is distraught The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “listen, I don’t do this for […]...
3. A pregnant woman is about to give birth A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. […]...
4. The definition of a phallic symbol This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says “you’re kidding..” Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???” Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is a failic symbol!” Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”...
5. A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. […]...
6. Значение идиомы pinch pennies [pinch pennies] {v. phr.}, {informal} Not spend a penny more thannecessary; be very saving or thrifty. When Tom and Mary were savingmoney to buy a house, they had to pinch pennies. – [penny-pincher]{n.}, {informal} A stingy or selfish person; miser. He spent solittle money that he began to get the name of a penny-pincher. -[penny-pinching] […]...
7. Перевод слова pencil Pencil – карандаш; рисовать, записывать Перевод слова Margin notes in pencil – карандашные заметки на полях the stub of a pencil – огрызок карандаша he would pencil down his ideas – он обычно записывал свои мысли pencil case – пенал Have a pad and Pencil ready. Приготовьте блокнот и карандаш. The end of the Pencil […]...
8. Women’s instructions WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So […]...
9. Пословица / поговорка a penny saved is a penny earned / a penny saved is a penny gained – перевод и значение, пример использования Пословица / поговорка: a penny saved is a penny earned / a penny saved is a penny gained Перевод: не истратил пенни – значит, заработал Пример: A penny saved is a penny earned and it is just as important to be careful spending money as it is to earn money. Не истратить пенни почти то […]...
10. Edward walks out of a bar Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. “Can I help you, fella?”, asks the cop. “Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!” Edward replies. The cop asks, “Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?”. “It […]...
11. Значение идиомы go over one’s head [go over one’s head] {v. phr.} 1. To be too difficult tounderstand. Penny complains that what her math teacher says simplygoes over her head. 2. To do something without the permission ofone’s superior. Fred went over his boss’s head when he signed thecontract on his own....
12. Little girl walks into the bathroom A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks “What’s that?” Her sister replies “That is my possum, sis!” The young girl replies “Oh, OK” The next day she sees her mother get out of the […]...
13. Punishment in hell A man dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell. There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, “Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that’s his punishment.” […]...
14. Little Johnny’s dad is sitting on the side of the bed Little Johnny’s dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, “Whatcha doin’ Daddy?” Johnny’s dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. “Oh, I’m just […]...
15. This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?”, he thinks. “How in the world does that fit in here?” So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, “How in the world did this place […]...
16. I own the fastest car A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on […]...
17. A man goes to a psychiatrist A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. “A man and a woman making love in a park,” the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the […]...
18. Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who […]...
19. What is your name Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How in hell does that fit in here?” So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind […]...
20. Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing ——————————— It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat […]...
21. Soap dispenser Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back […]...
22. Значение идиомы blow over [blow over] {v.} To come to an end; pass away with little or no bad effects. The sky was black, as if a bad storm were coming, but it blew over and the sun came out. They were bitter enemies for a while, but the quarrel blew over. He was much criticized for the divorce, […]...
23. A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and […]...
24. A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again […]...
25. Про экзамены на английском Я уже на грани – I’m cheezed off. Я даже не врубился в эту тему – I couldn’t even tumble to it. Хочешь я тебе объясню? – Wanna me unscramble it? Дошло? (Въехал?) – Has the penny dropped? Дошло. (Въехал.) – The penny drops. В голове полный бардак – A real cobweb in my head. […]...
26. Confuse Santa Claus 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask […]...
27. Значение идиомы turn an honest penny [turn an honest penny] {v. phr.} To realize a good profit. Tomturned an honest penny in the soybean trading business. Compare:PRETTY PENNY....
28. A bartender was getting ready to close for the night A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, “This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!” The scared bartender pleads, “Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!” The robber yells, “Shut […]...
29. A jealous husband hires a private detective A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all […]...
30. Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “241.” “That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself […]...
31. A man stops by a diner at noon A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and […]...
32. Stolen Car Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It […]...
33. Значение идиомы blow one’s brains out [blow one’s brains out] {v. phr.} 1. To shoot yourself in the head. Mr. Jones lost all his wealth, so he blew his brains out. 2. {slang} To work very hard; overwork yourself. The boys blew their brains out to get the stage ready for the play. Mary is not one to blow her brains […]...
34. A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. “What’s your name?” she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers “My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.” She goes up to the second dog and asks “What’s your name?” The […]...
35. Got a second? God, I was wondering…how long is a million years to you?” God answered, “Son, a million years to me is like a second to you.” So the man asks, “God how much is a million dollars to you?” And God answered, “Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you.” So the […]...
36. A man is walking past this house when a used condom A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock […]...
37. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That, son, […]...
38. A guy was driving home one evening A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was “now or never”, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and […]...
39. Значение идиомы head [head] See: ACID HEAD, BEAT INTO ONE’S HEAD, BEAT ONE’S HEADAGAINST A WALL, BIG HEAD, COUNT HEADS, EYES IN THE BACK OF ONE’S HEAD, FROM HEAD TO FOOT, GET THROUGH ONE’S HEAD, GOOD HEAD ON ONE’SSHOULDERS, GO TO ONE’S HEAD, HANG ONE’S HEAD, HAVE ONE’S HEAD IN THESAND, HAVE ROCKS IN ONE’S HEAD, HEAP COALS […]...
40. Значение идиомы laugh one’s head off [laugh one’s head off] {v. phr.}, {informal} To laugh very hard; beunable to stop laughing. Paul’s stories are so wildly funny that Ilaugh my head off whenever he starts telling one of them....