Three calamities

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1. Helpful advice for travellersHelpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you. BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?...
2. Landing at a hidden military baseYou’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as «Area 51?» Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their «secret» base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The ... Читать далее...
3. Humor about Irish Pubs(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. «Jazus Mick…Well have to turn ... Читать далее...
4. Three guys are in a plane, lost in fogThree guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don’t know where they are. The first guy says «I’ll find out» and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says «We’re just over Paris» «How do you know» ask the others «Well I’ve just felt the top of ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова pencilPencil — карандаш; рисовать, записывать Перевод слова Margin notes in pencil — карандашные заметки на полях the stub of a pencil — огрызок карандаша he would pencil down his ideas — он обычно записывал свои мысли pencil case — пенал Have a pad and Pencil ready. Приготовьте блокнот и карандаш. The end of the Pencil ... Читать далее...
6. Differences in Male and Female FriendshipsLauren: Did you see what Stephanie was wearing? She looked like a wet dog! Quentin: Why do women do that? Lauren: Do what? Quentin: Why do women Put other women down? Is it to make themselves feel Superior? Lauren: It was only a joke. I Didn’t mean anything by it. Quentin: Do you really think ... Читать далее...
7. A man is walking past this house when a used condomA man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock ... Читать далее...
8. Перевод слова bombBomb — бомба; провал Перевод слова Air bomb — авиационная бомба nuclear bomb — ядерная бомба burst of a bomb — взрыв бомбы We exploded the nuclear Bomb. Мы взорвали ядерную бомбу. I Bombed my midterm. Я завалил экзамены первой сессии. A Bomb went off downtown. Бомба ушла в центр города....
9. Cow on Train TracksA passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. «What’s going on?» she yells out the window. «Cow on the track!» replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees ... Читать далее...
10. Two guys are driving through Texas whenTwo guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, «Why’d you do that? The trooper says, «You’re in ... Читать далее...
11. The wife of an older man is distraughtThe wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, «listen, I don’t do this for ... Читать далее...
12. Chinese learned thisTime sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chiese lands. Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our ... Читать далее...
13. A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flyingA Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: «Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that ... Читать далее...
14. Пословица / поговорка a penny saved is a penny earned / a penny saved is a penny gained — перевод и значение, пример использованияПословица / поговорка: a penny saved is a penny earned / a penny saved is a penny gained Перевод: не истратил пенни — значит, заработал Пример: A penny saved is a penny earned and it is just as important to be careful spending money as it is to earn money. Не истратить пенни почти то ... Читать далее...
15. Значение идиомы go over one’s head[go over one’s head] {v. phr.} 1. To be too difficult tounderstand. Penny complains that what her math teacher says simplygoes over her head. 2. To do something without the permission ofone’s superior. Fred went over his boss’s head when he signed thecontract on his own....
16. The MohelThis woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn’t read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, «Madam, I ... Читать далее...
17. Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, oneThree guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод идиомы a penny for one’s thoughts, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: a penny for one’s thoughts Перевод: рассказать кому-либо о том, что кто-либо думает, что у кого-либо на уме Пример: «A penny for your thoughts,» the girl said as she saw her boyfriend looking out the window. «Расскажи, о чем ты думаешь,» сказала девушка, когда увидела, что ее молодой человек смотрит в окно....
19. Значение идиомы pinch pennies[pinch pennies] {v. phr.}, {informal} Not spend a penny more thannecessary; be very saving or thrifty. When Tom and Mary were savingmoney to buy a house, they had to pinch pennies. — [penny-pincher]{n.}, {informal} A stingy or selfish person; miser. He spent solittle money that he began to get the name of a penny-pincher. -[penny-pinching] ... Читать далее...
20. Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of theTwo priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god ... Читать далее...
21. Fighting Irish HumorMcNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. «It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,» she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. «Miss,» he said, «I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get ... Читать далее...
22. Soap dispenserTwo priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back ... Читать далее...
23. A pregnant woman is about to give birthA pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, «Are you my dad?». The doctor says, «No, I am your doctor!». ... Читать далее...
24. Про экзамены на английскомЯ уже на грани — I’m cheezed off. Я даже не врубился в эту тему — I couldn’t even tumble to it. Хочешь я тебе объясню? — Wanna me unscramble it? Дошло? (Въехал?) — Has the penny dropped? Дошло. (Въехал.) — The penny drops. В голове полный бардак — A real cobweb in my head. ... Читать далее...
25. Значение идиомы turn an honest penny[turn an honest penny] {v. phr.} To realize a good profit. Tomturned an honest penny in the soybean trading business. Compare:PRETTY PENNY....
26. A bartender was getting ready to close for the nightA bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, «This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!» The scared bartender pleads, «Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!» The robber yells, «Shut ... Читать далее...
27. A jealous husband hires a private detectiveA jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all ... Читать далее...
28. A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a pissA guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is. «Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and ... Читать далее...
29. Three guys enter a disabled swimming contestThree guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and «splash» they’re all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы head[head] See: ACID HEAD, BEAT INTO ONE’S HEAD, BEAT ONE’S HEADAGAINST A WALL, BIG HEAD, COUNT HEADS, EYES IN THE BACK OF ONE’S HEAD, FROM HEAD TO FOOT, GET THROUGH ONE’S HEAD, GOOD HEAD ON ONE’SSHOULDERS, GO TO ONE’S HEAD, HANG ONE’S HEAD, HAVE ONE’S HEAD IN THESAND, HAVE ROCKS IN ONE’S HEAD, HEAP COALS ... Читать далее...
31. Значение идиомы go to one’s head[go to one’s head] {v. phr.} 1. To make one dizzy. Beer and winego to a person’s head. Looking out the high window went to thewoman’s head. 2. To make someone too proud; make a person think he istoo important. Being the star player went to John’s head. Thegirl’s fame as a movie actress went ... Читать далее...
32. Перевод слова planePlane — плоскость; самолет Перевод слова Axis plane — плоскость симметрии plane of projection — плоскость проекции to fly a plane — управлять самолетом I’m late for the Plane. Я опоздал на самолет. The superstitious man is on the same Plane as the savage. Суеверный человек находится на той же ступени развития, что и первобытный ... Читать далее...
33. Значение идиомы laugh one’s head off[laugh one’s head off] {v. phr.}, {informal} To laugh very hard; beunable to stop laughing. Paul’s stories are so wildly funny that Ilaugh my head off whenever he starts telling one of them....
34. Moon MissionNASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: «Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.» «Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.» ... Читать далее...
35. Being a Divorced ParentOscar: How are you adjusting to being a Single parent? Penny: It hasn’t been easy, but Paul and I are trying to be as Civil as possible. We worked out Joint custody so that Mina will get Quality time with both of us. Still, it’s been an Adjustment for her. Oscar: I’m sure, and for ... Читать далее...
36. Mary was having an affair during the day whileMary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: «Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!» Ralph looked ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод идиомы penny pincher, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: penny pincher Идиома: penny pincher разг. Перевод: крохобор, скряга Пример: The man is a penny pincher and will never spend any money. Этот человек — скряга, и он никогда не потратит ни на что денег....
38. This is one smart dogA butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. «An’ wot’s this then?» he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. «You dumb dog.» As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices ... Читать далее...
39. Значение идиомы pretty penny[pretty penny] {n. phr.} A large amount of money. Their newhouse is so big and modern that we’re sure it must have cost them apretty penny....
40. Chinese plane crashTime sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands. In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the ... Читать далее...