The Mohel

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1. The Presidential watchesA man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called «the George Bush Watch» and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says — «you are suppose to read his lips». He then looks at a watch called the «Ross Perot Watch» ... Читать далее...
2. A state-of-the-art watchA cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, «Is your date running late?» «No», he replies,»I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just ... Читать далее...
3. The young lady admired the watch in the store windowThe young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, «Just how much is that watch?» «It’s $2000, ma’am.» «Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?» «Just what sort of ‘time schedule’ did you have in mind?» «I ... Читать далее...
4. NoticeTo make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It ... Читать далее...
5. Free meatIt was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the ... Читать далее...
6. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
7. Перевод слова repairRepair — ремонт, восстановление; ремонтировать, чинить Перевод слова Repair shop — ремонтная мастерская the repair of one’s health — восстановление здоровья to repair a house — ремонтировать дом to repair clothes — чинить одежду She Repaired her TV set. Она починила свой телевизор. We have done the necessary Repairs. Мы починили все, что нужно. The ... Читать далее...
8. A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditchA man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn’t usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, «You know, you ... Читать далее...
9. The Naming of JesusA group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that ... Читать далее...
10. Перевод слова batteryBattery — батарея, аккумулятор Перевод слова Battery salvo — батарейный залп to charge a battery — заряжать аммумулятор quartz battery — кварцевая батарейка The Battery is dead. Батарея села. I bought new Batteries for the flashlights. Я купил новые батарейки для фонариков. The Battery is charging. Батарея сейчас заряжается. Примеры из жизни Надпись ‘battery charging’ ... Читать далее...
11. Wrong cardAt the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, «No.» A clerk came over and asked, «May I help you?» «I don’t know,» said the woman. «Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?»...
12. Having Car TroubleAs I was driving home from work, my car started Acting up. It was making a strange noise and the engine was Running roughly. When I got home, I Popped Open the Hood to see if there was anything wrong. After looking around for a few minutes and not seeing anything, I decided to take ... Читать далее...
13. The Amazing Flying DogA woman is out looking for a pet, and so she’s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, «I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll just get him.» With that, he disappears into ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова alarmAlarm — тревога, сигнал тревоги; будильник Перевод слова To activate alarm — включить сигнал тревоги to set an alarm — дать сигнал тревоги to give the alarm — поднять тревогу false alarm — ложная тревога Did you set the Alarm? Ты завела будильник? The fire Alarm was reset. Пожарная сигнализация была сброшена. There is no ... Читать далее...
15. A guy walks into a bar and sits down next toA guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over ... Читать далее...
16. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, «Do you know what I’m doing?» «Yes,» she replied, ... Читать далее...
17. Cow on Train TracksA passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. «What’s going on?» she yells out the window. «Cow on the track!» replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees ... Читать далее...
18. A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain roadA man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, «Pig!» The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, «Bitch!» They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next ... Читать далее...
19. A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, «Do you know what I’m ... Читать далее...
20. The young couple was engaged in a most affectionateThe young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. «Heavens,» she cried, «it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.» The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the ... Читать далее...
21. Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one dayArnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair ... Читать далее...
22. Buying Computer AccessoriesGinger: It’s really nice of you to come with me to buy my computer. This is the Desktop I’m thinking about. Kevin: This is okay, but if I were you, I’d buy a Laptop. It’s more Versatile. You can travel with it. Ginger: I’m not sure about getting a laptop. The Screen is so small. ... Читать далее...
23. Buying Computer AccessoriesGinger: It’s really nice of you to come with me to buy my computer. This is the Desktop I’m thinking about. Kevin: This is okay, but if I were you, I’d buy a Laptop. It’s more Versatile. You can travel with it. Ginger: I’m not sure about getting a laptop. The Screen is so small. ... Читать далее...
24. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
25. Buying some golf ballsA blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. «I can’t find any green golf balls,» the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are ... Читать далее...
26. A tourist, visiting a small town in IsraelA tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to «The Unknown Soldier». At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: «Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg». The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, «As a soldier, that ... Читать далее...
27. A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in AmsterdamA Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him. He stops, bangs on the window and says,»So, what does this cost??!!». And the hooker replies,»25 dollars!!». And the Pollock said,»Hmm, that’s not a lot of money for insulated windows!!»....
28. Перевод слова travelTravel — путешествие, странствие, ехать Перевод слова Means of travel — средства передвижения sea travel — морские путешествия to travel on business — ездить по делам News Travels fast. Новости распространяются быстро. I don’t Travel much. Я путешествую не очень много. They were to Travel post. Им было предписано отправиться на почтовых лошадях. Примеры из ... Читать далее...
29. Three guys are discussing womenThree guys are discussing women. «I like to watch a woman’s tits best,» the first guy says. The second says «I like to look at a woman’s ass.» He asks the third guy «What about you?». «Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.»...
30. A fellow in a bar notices a womanA fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. «No thank you,» she said politely.» «This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.» «That ... Читать далее...
31. Reading and Watching the NewsI’m a news Junkie. I like to read two newspapers everyday. I don’t just look at the Headlines. I read most of the stories. I like the Political news, the Business news, the Editorials, and the Entertainment news. The only things I don’t usually read are the Sports pages and the Classifieds. I also try ... Читать далее...
32. Two bagsMr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, «What are those bags for?» «I’m collecting for Israel», said Mr. Goldfarb. «You need two bags?», asked Mr. Klein. «I’ve got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It’s fantastic. I go into the men’s ... Читать далее...
33. A guy was driving down the road in his YugoA guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop. He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, «Excuse me, but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?» The ... Читать далее...
34. A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded womanA blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: «I don’t want to complain, but I think those ... Читать далее...
35. A man walks into a jewellers shopA man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: «I’m sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop.» «Well, put two hands and a face on this.» replies the man....
36. A lady goes in to take a tennis lessonA lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says «OK,, just grip it like you do your husband’s member». After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова shopShop — магазин, лавка, буфет; ходить по магазинам Перевод слова Close up a shop — закрыть магазин coffee shop hours — время работы кафе to keep a shop — иметь магазин She works in a Shop. Она работает в магазине. It’s not available in the Shops. Этого нет в магазинах. Many people now Shop online. ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод идиомы assault and battery, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: assault and battery Перевод: такое преступление, когда преступник нападает и избивает кого-либо Пример: The man was arrested for assault and battery after the fight. Мужчина был арестован по обвинению в нападении после драки....
39. An Unusual AilmentA man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the ... Читать далее...
40. Dealing with criminalsA local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. «You just won’t believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.» «Oh yes dear, what happened?» «I came across two guys down by the canal, one ... Читать далее...