The Insensitive Gorilla

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1. A woman and her friend are visiting the zooA woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishhes her ... Читать далее...
2. There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a riverThere was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, «How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?» After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and ... Читать далее...
3. A man walked into the bar and there was a gorillaA man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool. The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the ... Читать далее...
4. Man and wife at the zooIt’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one ... Читать далее...
5. Debate about the boxAn engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it’s a pretty good working solution. «No no,» says the physicist, «there’s a ... Читать далее...
6. A dangerous jobThis guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. «Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?» the service guy asks. «Boy,» is the man’s response. «Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,» says ... Читать далее...
7. A very Insulting ParrotThis elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, «My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.» She turns around quickly to see who ... Читать далее...
8. A Good ListenerWoman: Hi, Long time no see. How have you been? Man: Oh, I’ve been fine, but I’m having some trouble with my son. Woman: Tell me all about it. Man: Oh, he’s 14 and in the past few months, he’s become quieter and a bit Secretive. He locks himself in his room and I think ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова gestureGesture — жест, телодвижение; действие, поступок Перевод слова Equivocal gesture — неопределенный жест expressive gesture — выразительный жест that was an empty gesture — это был пустой жест, этот поступок ничего не значил what a nice gesture! — как мило! She Gestured towards the fireplace. Она жестом указала в сторону камина. She raised her hand ... Читать далее...
10. A couple married forty years were revisiting theA couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, «Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty years ago.» The guy stopped the car. His ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова invitationInvitation — приглашение Перевод слова Invitation — сердечное приглашение invitation to a party — приглашение на вечеринку to decline an invitation — отвергать приглашение I am sorry I must decline your Invitation. К сожалению, я не могу принять ваше приглашение. Admission by Invitation only. Вход только по пригласительным билетам. What a liberty to refuse our ... Читать далее...
12. A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrotA middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова cageCage — клетка, будка Перевод слова Cage for birds — клетка для птиц cargo cage — шахтная грузовая клеть a cashier’s cage — будка кассира The lion was released from its Cage. Лев был выпущен из клетки. This bird should be Caged in. Эту птицу следует держать в клетке. They dragged the reluctant animal into ... Читать далее...
14. How Army policy beganThis is Army policy all begins… Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes ... Читать далее...
15. Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites herStacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, ... Читать далее...
16. Значение идиомы on the fence[on the fence] {adj.} or {adv. phr.} Not able, or not wanting tochoose; in doubt; undecided. — Often used with «sit». Jack sat onthe fence for a week last spring before he finally joined the trackteam instead of the baseball team. Mrs. Jones has decided to votefor the Democrats, but Mr. Jones is still on ... Читать далее...
17. Get some of thisTwo cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get’s her head stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the other: «This is too good to pass up,» gets off his ... Читать далее...
18. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
19. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnantA woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, «Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?» The doctor answered, «Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy ... Читать далее...
20. A fair offerOne day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his ... Читать далее...
21. Перевод слова silverSilver — серебро, серебряные изделия Перевод слова Table silver — столовое серебро silver dollar — серебряный доллар to silver glass — серебрить стекло Time had dimmed the Silver. Время сделало серебро тусклым. Silver is a metallic element. Серебро — это металлический элемент. We need to polish the Silver. Нам нужно отполировать серебро....
22. Holiday DecoratingNow that the holidays are here, it’s time To decorate the house. Every year, we always Go all out. We buy a Christmas tree and the kids decorate it with Ornaments that we’ve bought and made over the years, and with silver and gold Tinsel. We also hang a Wreath on our front door and ... Читать далее...
23. A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desertA fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s ... Читать далее...
24. Definition of Outdoor BarbecuingDefinition of Outdoor Barbecuing ——————————— It’s the only type of cooking a «real» man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat ... Читать далее...
25. Going to a WeddingI got an Invitation in the mail last month that really surprised me. My friend Ulrich was getting married! We went to college together and he always said that he’d never get married. I guess he found his Dream girl in the end. The Church wedding was going to be at 3 p. m. and ... Читать далее...
26. Birth controlSome women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says «We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.» The next woman says «I am too but we use the rhythm method.» The third woman says «We use the bucket and saucer method.» «What the heck is ... Читать далее...
27. Collection 09ClassYou must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high. In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us. You are master in your own house — the doghouse! When you die, I’d like ... Читать далее...
28. Conversation over dinnerConversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not — don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) ... Читать далее...
29. The three wishesAn old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when—all of a sudden—a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. «Well, now,» says the old lady, «I guess I would like to be really ... Читать далее...
30. Перевод слова hurtHurt — страдание, боль, повреждение, обида Перевод слова To hurt slightly — слегка ушибить to hurt for money — испытывать нужду в деньгах to hurt smb.’s pride — нанести удар по чьему-л. самолюбию I have Hurt myself. Я ушибся. I didn’t mean to Hurt him, honest! Я не хотел его обидеть. Where does it Hurt? ... Читать далее...
31. THE CROCODILE OR THE WHALE?The woman came to the zoo with her little son. They came to the cage with a mystery big animal in it. -Look, son, this is a whale,-said the woman. -I am sorry, but this is a crocodile,-said the man. -No, this is a whale,-the woman was very stubbron, as a donkey. During this time ... Читать далее...
32. A husband and wife were out playing golfA husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in ... Читать далее...
33. The power of the pressTwo boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview ... Читать далее...
34. Help the lonely childSandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all ... Читать далее...
35. A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselorA blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was ... Читать далее...
36. A recently divorced woman is walking along the beachA recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова fenceFence — забор, изгородь Перевод слова Green fence — живая изгородь picket fence — частокол barbed-wire fence — изгородь из колючей проволоки The lions in the park are safely Fenced in. Львы в парке находятся за безопасным ограждением. The kitchen was well Fenced from the wind and rain. Кухня была хорошо защищена от ветра и ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод сленгового выражения up for grabs, значение и пример использованияСленговое выражение: up for grabs Перевод: в свободном доступе, доступный для любого Пример: After Mr. Mortimer passed away, no one could find his will, so his estate is up for grabs. После того, как скончался Мистер Мортимер, его завещание не смогли найти, и сейчас любой может забрать его поместье. I don’t want my sandwich — ... Читать далее...
39. A little old lady gets onto a crowded busA little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, «If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.» The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. ... Читать далее...
40. Olympic condomsA man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s just made. «Olympic condoms?» she blurts, «What makes them so special?» «There are three colors,» he explains, «gold, silver and bronze.» «So what color ... Читать далее...