Ten Signs That You’re At A Bad Zoo

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1. A game of Animal FootballThe animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. «I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T. V.» He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to ... Читать далее...
2. Two zebras are talking and one asks the otherTwo zebras are talking and one asks the other, «Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?» The other replies, «Well I don’t know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.» So that night he did and God replied, «You are what you are.» The next day he said ... Читать далее...
3. One day the teacher decides to play an animal gameOne day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says «See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?» Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a ... Читать далее...
4. The organization is like a tree full of monkeysThe organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes....
5. Перевод слова swearSwear — присяга, клясться Перевод слова To swear by one’s life — поклясться своей жизнью to swear accusation — обвинить под присягой to swear loyalty — клясться в верности Don’t Swear in front of the children. Не ругайся в присутствии детей. Don’t Swear at me, if you please! А ну-ка брось кричать на меня! I ... Читать далее...
6. Question answer 04What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game? Sorry, it was a freak hic! Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits! What do you get if you drop a piano on a team’s defence? A flat back four! Why did ... Читать далее...
7. Перевод слова exhibitExhibit — экспонат; показывать, выставлять Перевод слова A travelling exhibit — передвижная выставка to exhibit bravery — проявить мужество to exhibit before the public — представить на всеобщее обозрение She Exhibited her paintings to the public. Она выставляла свои работы. In all cultures we know, men Exhibit an aesthetic sense. Во всех известных нам культурах ... Читать далее...
8. Nice, but roughAn elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. «Oh, thank you!» said the elephant. «My, pleasure ma’am.» said the ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова elephantElephant — слон Перевод слова Work elephant — рабочий слон he can’t hit an elephant — он и в слона-то не попадет an elephant in a china shop — неуклюжий и бестактный человек The passerby was trampled by an Elephant. Прохожего затоптал слон. They nearly equalled the Elephant in size. По размеру они почти сравнялись ... Читать далее...
10. There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a riverThere was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, «How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?» After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and ... Читать далее...
11. A big-game hunter went on safari with his wifeA big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in — law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and ... Читать далее...
12. How to Hunt Elephants — Math styleMathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students. Sent by Alex...
13. I will put it into your assIn one day animal’s king lion said: You must get me the circle fruit and I will put it to your ass! Who will not bring it I will kill him! A rabbit has come first! He has brought to lion an apple. When lion put apple into rabbit’s ass rabbit was smiling. Lion surprised ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова lionLion — лев Перевод слова Lion cub — львенок lion tamer — укротитель львов the lion’s share — львиная доля society lion — светский лев The Lion stalked its prey. Лев преследовал свою добычу. The Lion roared and sprang. Лев зарычал и прыгнул. The Lion has a sinewy body. У львов мускулистые тела. Интересные факты ... Читать далее...
15. Jonesie The Great Lion HunterA small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its ... Читать далее...
16. A fair warningTourist guide at zoo: «Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… ... Читать далее...
17. Question answer 06What lights up a football stadium? A football match! If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes! Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final? Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain? The ... Читать далее...
18. Beware of drunken bearsThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8: People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the ... Читать далее...
19. There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtleThere once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when ... Читать далее...
20. Elephants IXEvery nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book — The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant The English book — Elephants I have shot on Safari The Welsh book — The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant ... Читать далее...
21. Signs Technology Took Over Your Life1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is ... Читать далее...
22. Refrigerate elephantsAnalysis: 1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1. First factorize, second multiply. 2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra: 1. Step 1. Show that the ... Читать далее...
23. A mouse and a lion walk were in a barA mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. «Get a load of her» said the mouse, «what a babe!» «Well, why not try your luck?» replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes ... Читать далее...
24. How to Catch a White ElephantHow to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the ... Читать далее...
25. The best book on elephantsThe UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants. The British submited a dry historical account «The Elephant and the British Empire.» The French submited a text «The Sensuality of the Elephant — a Personal Account.» The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled «An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of ... Читать далее...
26. Question answer 05Our team is doing so badly that «Manager of the Month» isn’t an award. It’s an appointment! Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated! Which insect didn’t play well in goal? The fumble bee! What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored! What is black and ... Читать далее...
27. A Heckler at a Sports GameLew: Boo!! Boo!! Your team Sucks! Alexa: Sit down and stop Heckling the Visiting team. You’re Making a fool of yourself. Lew: I’m supporting our team. If I keep Taunting the players on the other team, they may lose their Concentration and we’ll Gain an advantage. Alexa: If you Keep this up, we’ll get Kicked ... Читать далее...
28. I like monkeysThis was originally posted in rec. sport. pro-wrestling Date: 1999/03/04 Author: briang68g@gearthlink. net I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. ... Читать далее...
29. The Lion and the MouseOnce when a Lion was asleep a little Mouse began running up and down upon him; this soon wakened the Lion, who placed his huge paw upon him, and opened his big jaws to swallow him. «Pardon, O King,» cried the little Mouse: «forgive me this time, I shall never forget it: who knows but ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы swear in[swear in] or [swear into] {v.} To have a person swear or promiseto do his duty as a member or an officer of an organization, government department, or similar group. — «Swear into» is used whenthe name of the group is given. Mary and Ann will be sworn into theclub tonight. Fred was sworn in ... Читать далее...
31. Перевод слова swear inSwear in — приводить к присяге; ругаться Перевод слова To empanel, swear in a jury — приводить к присяге присяжного to swear in a witness — привести свидетеля к присяге swear in company — браниться во всеуслышание He was elected but not yet sworn in. Он избран, но еще не приведен к присяге. She doesn’t ... Читать далее...
32. Alaskan tourismIf you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to ... Читать далее...
33. Значение идиомы take it on the chin[take it on the chin] {v. phr.}, {informal} 1. To be badly beatenor hurt. Our football team really took it on the chin today. Theyare all bumps and bruises. Mother and I took it on the chin in thecard game. 2. To accept without complaint something bad that happensto you; accept trouble or defeat calmly. ... Читать далее...
34. Перевод слова trainingTraining — воспитание, обучение Перевод слова Character training — формирование характера military training — военная подготовка vocational training — профессиональное обучение training centre — учебный центр We have an in-house Training unit. У нас есть собственный учебный центр. He fractured his right leg during Training. Он сломал свою правую ногу на тренировке. We devote five ... Читать далее...
35. Перевод слова campCamp — лагерь Перевод слова Open camp — лагерь на открытом воздухе summer camp — летний лагерь to serve time in a camp — отбывать срок в лагере He fired his Camp. Он поджег свой лагерь. The cliffs rim the Camp. Утесы окружают лагерь. Life in the Camp drained him. Жизнь в лагере истощила его ... Читать далее...
36. An ant and an elephant share a night of romanceAn ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. «Damn», says the ant, «one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!»...
37. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one dayFather, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, «Mummy, what is that long thing?» His mother replies, «That, son, ... Читать далее...
38. This man goes into the doctor with hisThis man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now. Doctor: «What happened to you?» He says: «I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!» Doctor: «But I don’t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn’t cause that much damage!» He says «Aah ... Читать далее...
39. Top ten signs that you are too drunk10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. ... Читать далее...
40. Manly signs«Doctor, doctor!» shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. «I think I’m turning into a man» then the doctor says, » Now hold on little lady what makes you think that you’re turning into a man?» » Well» said the woman «I’m starting to grow hair on my chest» and then the doctor asked, ... Читать далее...