A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there’s a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, «Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you.»
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, «Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where’s your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.»
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, «Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.»
На английском о фигурном катании.
Планы на будущее на английском.
Related topics:
- The RabbiThere is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up ... Читать далее...
- A present for the anniversaryA middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, «So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?» She says, «Bernie, I want a divorce.» He says, «I wasn’t planning on spending that much.»...
- A stupid dogWhile leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: «What are doing here with a dog?» Bernie: «The dog came here to pray.» «Oh, come ... Читать далее...
- Man goes to see the RabbiMan goes to see the Rabbi. «Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.» The Rabbi asked, «What’s wrong?» The man replied, «My wife is poisoning me.» The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, «How can that be?» The man then pleads, «I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning ... Читать далее...
- An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger ladyAn older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the ... Читать далее...
- Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreckThree Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. «Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! ... Читать далее...
- A theological debateSeveral centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the ... Читать далее...
- A pious man who had reached the age of 105A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, «How come after all these years we don’t see you at ... Читать далее...
- Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, whenRabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around = the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi. Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the = Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his = stomach, then each shoulder. As Father ... Читать далее...
- Present Continuous – Present Perfect» (с ответами)1. Напишите следующие предложения в отрицательной форме. It snows a lot in Russia. (В России выпадает много снега.) We eat in restaurants once a week. (Мы едим в ресторанах раз в неделю.) I have written a letter to a newspaper. (Я написал письмо в газету.) George visits film festivals every year. (Джордж ежегодно посещает кинофестивали.) ... Читать далее...
- A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seatedA girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: «So, where y’all from?» The New York girl said, «From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.» The ... Читать далее...
- A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a trainA Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, «So how high can you advance in your organization?» The Priest says «If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.» «Well, could you get any higher than that?» asks the Rabbi. «I suppose that ... Читать далее...
- An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharingAn Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying «I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, «I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd ... Читать далее...
- Sex on SabbathA man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, «My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex ... Читать далее...
- A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sinA man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, » My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that ... Читать далее...
- Getting in an accidentA Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, «So you’re a ... Читать далее...
- The first Jewish woman President is electedThe first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother: «Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.» «I don’t know, what would I wear?» «Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker» «But I only eat kosher food» «Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get ... Читать далее...
- Sending Business PackagesMaria: I need this Package to arrive in Tulsa by next Wednesday. Sam: Sure, I’ll send it UPS or FedEx using their Ground service. It’ll be cheaper than sending it using their Overnight service and we can still Track it. Is it going to a business? Maria: Yes, it is. Sam: Okay, I’ll Mark that ... Читать далее...
- The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherThe congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said «Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now.» More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their ... Читать далее...
- Clean St. Patrick’s Day JokesAn Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, «Oy vey! What a wreck!» The priest asks him, «Are you all right, Rabbi?» The Rabbi responds, «Just a little shaken.» The priest pulls a ... Читать далее...
- Chaim escapes from a mental hospitalChaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» ... Читать далее...
- An old rabbi is talking with one of his friendsAn old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, «I gladdened seven hearts today.» «Seven hearts?» asks the friend. «How did you do that?» The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, «I performed three marriages.» The friend looks at him quizically. «Seven?» he asks. «I could understand six, ... Читать далее...
- Значение идиомы at one’s service[at one’s service] {adv. phr.} 1. Ready to serve or help you; prepared to obey your wish or command; subject to your orders. He placed himself completely at the President’s service. «Now I am at your service,» the dentist told the next patient. 2. Available for your use; at your disposal. He put a car ... Читать далее...
- Значение идиомы air shuttle[air shuttle] {n.}, {informal} Air service for regular commuters operating between major cities at not too far a distance, e. g., between Boston and New York City; such flights operate without reservation on a frequent schedule. My dad takes the air shuttle from Boston to New York once a week....
- Значение идиомы across the board[across the board] {adv. phr.} 1. So that equal amounts of money are bet on the same horse to win a race, to place second, or third. I bet $6 on the white horse across the board. — Often used with hyphens as an adjective. I made an across-the-board bet on the white horse. 2. ... Читать далее...
- Упражнения «Настоящее совершенное продолженное время Present Perfect Continuous» (с ответами)1. Поставьте глаголы из скобок в форму Present Perfect Continuous. The vegetables… (boil) since 10 o’clock. (Овощи варятся с 10 часов.) He… (wait) for her answer for six months. (Он ждет ее ответа в течение 6 месяцев.) My sister… (send) job applications for 3 months. (Моя сестра рассылает заявления о приеме на работу в течение ... Читать далее...
- Биография Барака Обамы на английском языке. Biography of Barrack ObamaBarack H. Obama is the 44th President of the United States. His story is the American story — values from the heartland, a middle-class upbringing in a strong family, hard work and education as the means of getting ahead, and the conviction that a life so blessed should be lived in service to others. With ... Читать далее...
- A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversaryA man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, «When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?» The husband replied, «All I wanted to do ... Читать далее...
- An unfortunate situationA lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, «MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father ... Читать далее...
- Majority rulesSo it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual «3 to 1, majority rules» statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. «Oh, God!» he cried. ... Читать далее...
- A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogueA priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out ... Читать далее...
- Here is a free puppyThe President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, «Little girl, I think that it’s wonderful that you’re doing such a good thing.» The little girl says, «Thank you, Mr. Clinton. ... Читать далее...
- Различие (сравнение) между Present Continuous и Present Simple в английском языкеВ предыдущих темах были рассмотрены времена Present Continuous и Present Simple, а в этой теме будет показано сравнение между этими двумя временами. Present Continuous (I am doing) Present Simple (I do) Это время используется тогда, когда что-то происходит во время беседы Это время используется тогда, когда действие происходит вообще или повторяется I am doing I ... Читать далее...
- Clinton is vacationingLast summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. ... Читать далее...
- A town in Poland had only one cowA town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles — or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, — they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had ... Читать далее...
- Использование for-since во временах Present Perfect и Present Perfect Continuous (с ответами)1. Поставьте в следующие словосочетания «for» или «since». … 9 o’clock… 9 hours… last November… my childhood… 1986 … 10 months… a year… your birthday… ages… a long time… he was a teenager… a couple of days… the whole life… yesterday… the 15th of June… 30 years… I was 30 years old… 20 minutes… last ... Читать далее...
- A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a partyA whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting. «Why not?» said I. «Let her marry a Gentile boy. I’m all ... Читать далее...
- Ошибки, совершаемые при употреблении времени Present Perfect в английском языкеНаиболее распространенные ошибки Неправильно Правильно Перевод Объяснение Steven has wrote a new book. Steven has Written a new book. Стивен написал новую книгу. Необходимо использовать форму причастия прошедшего времени глагола: Wrote является формой Past Simple, Written является формой причастия прошедшего времени. Did you have seen him before? Have you seen him before? Ты видел его ... Читать далее...
- Deadly disease«My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis,» mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. «No,» says the friend, «people don’t die of syphilis anymore.» The angry biker replies, «They do when they give it to me!»...
- A catholic lithanyA man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. «A priest. Somebody get me a priest!» the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. «A ... Читать далее...
Rabbi’s anniversary present