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1. Mrs. Jones is having her house paintedMrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, «You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?» He sighs and says, «Look, lady, I got a tough day’s work ahead of me. ... Читать далее...
2. Working With The FBIThe phone rings at FBI headquarters. «Hello?» «Hello, is this the FBI?» «Yes. What do you want?» «I’m calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.» «Thank you very much for the call, sir.» The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux’s house. They search the shed where ... Читать далее...
3. An Annoying Cell Phone UserCarl: I’m sorry, say that again. I couldn’t hear you Over that guy at the next table Shouting into his cell phone. Stephanie: That guy is so Rude. We’re trying to have a Leisurely conversation over a cup of coffee, and we have To out shout some Inconsiderate jerk. Carl: Do you think he realizes ... Читать далее...
4. An unfortunate coincidenceOne day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. «Reverend,» she said, «I have a problem—my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?» «I have an idea,» said the minister. «Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell ... Читать далее...
5. Totally messed upThe following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row — the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P. M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him ... Читать далее...
6. Show him your crossTwo nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. «Quick, quick!» shouts Sister Mary Agnes, «What should ... Читать далее...
7. Seems this elderly couple went to the clinicSeems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,»Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!»...
8. Перевод слова laboratoryLaboratory — лаборатория Перевод слова Scientist who cloisters himself in a laboratory — ученый, который отгораживается от мира в лаборатории under laboratory conditions — в лабораторных условиях factory laboratory — заводская лаборатория chemistry laboratory — химическая лаборатория He had direct charge of the Laboratory. Лаборатория находилась в его непосредственном подчинении. All Laboratory men feature in ... Читать далее...
9. Communication problemThere was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. ... Читать далее...
10. Who’s got a bigger crotch?There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, «My husband can get his whole hand up me». The second lady said, «My husband can get his whole head up me». The third lady slid down the bar stool....
11. 12 days of ChristmasDecember 14, 1998 Dearest Dave, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling! With truly the deepest love, Agnes December 15, 1998 Dearest Dave, Today the postman brought me yet another of your ... Читать далее...
12. A veterinarian surgeonA veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, ... Читать далее...
13. Who am I?Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: «Quick! My husband is back!» Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: «Shit! But I am the husband!» Sent by Ser...
14. Some of the myths about marriageTOP15.Some of the myths about marriage… Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: «I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.» The husband says: «WHAT??» The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional ... Читать далее...
15. An old lady lived by herself in a small houseAn old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he ... Читать далее...
16. Democrats on the front porchThis little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, «Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.» «What?» the operator exclaimed. «I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; ... Читать далее...
17. Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself toAlbert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, «What is your IQ?» to which the man answers, «241.» «That is wonderful!,» says Albert. «We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!» Next Albert introduces himself ... Читать далее...
18. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
19. A wife begins to get a little worried becauseA wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p. m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. «What happened?» says the wife. «You should have been ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова positivePositive — положительный, несомненный Перевод слова Positive proof — несомненное доказательство positive influence — позитивное, положительное влияние positive reaction to a suggestion — положительная реакция на предложение Two Positive charges repel each other. Два положительных заряда отталкиваются друг от друга. ‘Think Positive!’ she advised herself. ‘Думай о хорошем!’ посоветовала она сама себе. The candidate projected ... Читать далее...
21. Card gamesA cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, «Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about ... Читать далее...
22. A little boy and his dad are standing in lineA little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, «hey dad, look how fat that lady is!» «Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.» «But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!» «Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!» ... Читать далее...
23. A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husbandA wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, «You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!» Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, ... Читать далее...
24. Driving While Calling and TextingPamela: [laughs] Did you see this Tweet from Sarah? She’s so funny. Josh: Hold on. I’m Texting Lance. I want to make sure he knows where we’re Meeting up. Pamela: [cell phone rings] Hello. Oh, hi Lance. Did you get Josh’s text? You didn’t? Let me IM you, bye. Josh: I wonder why Lance didn’t ... Читать далее...
25. Little Johnny — being logicalLittle Johnny A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, «little boy is your mother home?» Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, «what do you think?»...
26. An old italian couple is walking around in the mallAn old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: «Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?» The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her ... Читать далее...
27. The headmistress at a girls prep schoolThe headmistress at a girls’ prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: «We’re having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend.» «Why of course,» the Lieutenant answers. ... Читать далее...
28. Значение идиомы lady of the house[lady of the house] {n. phr.} Female owner, or wife of the owner, of the house; the hostess. «Dinner is served,» the lady of thehouse announced to her guests....
29. It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agencyIt seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby. They waded through ... Читать далее...
30. Where are my pyjamas?A man calls his wife and says to her, «Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?» «Sure, honey,» his wife answers.»Oh, and could you please pack my ... Читать далее...
31. Перевод слова husbandHusband — муж Перевод слова Ex-husband, former husband — бывший муж henpecked husband — подкаблучник to leave one’s husband — оставить мужа My Husband doesn’t cook Мой муж не готовит. She lied to her Husband. Она солгала мужу. She cheats on her Husband. Она изменяет своему мужу....
32. Jones is driving past the state mental hospitalJones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for ... Читать далее...
33. A perfect choiceA woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t ... Читать далее...
34. Phone joke IIOne night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won’t recognize your voices is always a good choice. When the person answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that sounds real). Insist that you have the right number ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы trick or treat[trick or treat] {n.} The custom of going from house to house onHalloween asking for small gifts and playing tricks on people whorefuse to give. When Mrs. Jones answered the doorbell, the childrenyelled «Trick or treat.» Mrs. Jones gave them all some candy. OnHalloween Bill and Tom went out playing trick or treat....
36. This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a buildingThis guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign «Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.» «Hans Olaffsen?», he thinks. «How in the world does that fit in here?» So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, «How in the world did this place ... Читать далее...
37. Passing a parrotA lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, «Hey lady, you are really ugly.» Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same ... Читать далее...
38. Equal positive integersTheorem: All positive integers are equal. Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = ... Читать далее...
39. John receives a phone callJohn receives a phone call. «Hello,» he answers. The voice on the ot other end says, «This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago.» John: «Hmm… Susan? about 3 months ago?» Susan: «Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got ... Читать далее...
40. Having the equipmentA couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar ... Читать далее...