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1. Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the roadLittle Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. «My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf», says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time ... Читать далее...
2. An American tourist is visiting ChinaAn American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: «How large is the population here?» «Around 1.5 billion» — the guide answers American, After a short pause: «So, what else do you do here?»...
3. A jazz chordStevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and ... Читать далее...
4. Passing an examThree patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking ... Читать далее...
5. The power of the pressTwo boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview ... Читать далее...
6. A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shopA tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. «Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,» says the shop ... Читать далее...
7. Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physicalHillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: «How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on ... Читать далее...
8. A small dissapointmentTwo GI’s in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit. «I can’t go in here» he says» It’s really going to stink» «There’s another trench over there» says the other. «I’ll cover you with the M60…. just give me a shout and and i’ll cover ... Читать далее...
9. A tourist, visiting a small town in IsraelA tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to «The Unknown Soldier». At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: «Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg». The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, «As a soldier, that ... Читать далее...
10. A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowlyA little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова touristTourist — турист Перевод слова Tourist-class passenger — пассажир туристического класса tourist season — туристический сезон tourist visa — туристическая виза The museums attract a lot of Tourists. Музеи привлекают множество туристов. The Tourist had a foreign accent. Турист говорил с иностранным акцентом. We specialize in catering for Tourist bus tours. Мы специализируемся на обслуживании ... Читать далее...
12. In case of emergencyA car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming ... Читать далее...
13. The hunting seasonThis truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying «NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT OWN RISK!» He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks ... Читать далее...
14. A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York CityA German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: «They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!» The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly ... Читать далее...
15. Who am I?Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: «Quick! My husband is back!» Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: «Shit! But I am the husband!» Sent by Ser...
16. BassQ: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one — but the guitarist has to show him first. Q: How many bass players does ... Читать далее...
17. The Zen Master is visiting New York CityThe Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, «Make me one with everything.» The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box ... Читать далее...
18. A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas tripA tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into the small space labeled ‘SEX’. The official explains: «No, no, no. That is not what we ... Читать далее...
19. Biologist experimentThere was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says «Jump frog, jump!». The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: ‘Frog with 4 legs — jumps 2 feet’. Next he chops ... Читать далее...
20. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woodsLittle Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. «Ah-ha….,» The Big Bad Wolf said, «Now I’ve got you and I’m going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!…» Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, «Damn it, ... Читать далее...
21. Grave musicA tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that ... Читать далее...
22. A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wifeA concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, «Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.» «Well,» the doctor replied, «go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say ... Читать далее...
23. Impressions of LAI was talking to my new friend Nicole about the differences between New York City and Los Angeles. Nicole just Relocated from New York, where she lived All her life, and I’m a Native of L. A. Dan: So, is L. A. All it’s cracked up to be? Nicole: Well, the Stereotype in the movies ... Читать далее...
24. A Trip to New York City(The phone rings.) Lucy: Hello. Jeff: Hey Lucy, it’s Jeff. Lucy: Hey, welcome back. How was your vacation? Jeff: Oh, it was great. The seven days in New York was a Blast. Lucy: Oh, yeah? Did you do any sightseeing or just visit with friends? Jeff: I got to do both, actually. First, I saw ... Читать далее...
25. Cities of the USAAmong large and famous American cities there are Chicago, Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York. Washington is the capital of the USA. It is situated on the Potomac River in the District of Columbia. D. Washington chose the place. The city was founded in 1791 and named after the first president. Now ... Читать далее...
26. Good fortuneA man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody’s there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest ... Читать далее...
27. Safe to swim hereWhile sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,»Are there any gators around here?!» «Naw,» the man hollered back, «they ain’t been around for years!» «Feeling ... Читать далее...
28. I am afraid of that tarmacA motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman ... Читать далее...
29. Canada languageHow you can spot a Canadian, eh? — Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers) How do you tell a Canadian from an American? It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he’d say «zed» instead of «zee». But 18 years of Sesame Street ... Читать далее...
30. The homework scheduleHere is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend ... Читать далее...
31. Talking to a MechanicMechanic: Hi, I’m the Mechanic. What can I do for you? Amy: My car is making a very weird noise. It sounds like this: gulug, gulug, gulug… Mechanic: Hm, that doesn’t sound good. Where is it coming from? Amy: I’m not sure. When I’m in the car, it sounds like it’s coming from the Engine, ... Читать далее...
32. Значение идиомы get the breaks[get the breaks] {v. phr.} To be fortunate; have luck. That fellow gets all the breaks! He’s been working here only sixmonths, and he’s already been promoted to vice president!...
33. A midget walks into the doctors and saysA midget walks into the doctors and says, «Doc, I’ve got these fucking itchy balls and I can’t do anything to stop ’em itching». The Doc says, «I can see the problem and I’ll fix it for ya» So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. ... Читать далее...
34. They’re Boasting about Race RecordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. «In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!» Another horse breaks in, «Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!» «Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!», says another, flicking ... Читать далее...
35. Talking About Sound and VolumeDelilah: Could you Turn that down? Josh: What? Delilah: Could you turn your music down? Josh: Oh, sure. Is there a problem? Delilah: No, there’s no problem. I was just trying to do some reading and the Ear-splitting music coming from your room made it hard To concentrate. Josh: Sorry. I didn’t think it was ... Читать далее...
36. Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sittingHillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad. He says, «I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.» «Well » says Chelsea, «you could throw ... Читать далее...
37. Touring South AmericaA tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist ... Читать далее...
38. A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranchA guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, «If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he’s the one who shot it. Otherwise, he’ll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it.» The guy goes ... Читать далее...
39. Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, oneThree guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He ... Читать далее...
40. Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the streetLarry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. «Hey, lady,» yells Larry, «Throw me the cat.» «No,» she cries, «It’s too far.» «I play football, I can catch him.» The ... Читать далее...