1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out. 3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes. 4. Democrats give their worn-out … Читать далее
A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers. «Oh darling!» she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?» «No», says the old fellow, «it means that you can pick one out.»
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, «Relatives of yours?» «Yep,» the wife replied, «in-laws.»
Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL! The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke…………….but her arms weren’t quite long enough.
Supplemental Rules for Bowling If you holler «overs!» before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the «overs». When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the … Читать далее
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night. The bride rolled over and said, «That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?» The husband replied «Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.» «That’s nice honey» she replied, «What did it look … Читать далее
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . Windows 95 for my PC On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . 2 GPFs and Windows 95 for my PC On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . … Читать далее
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said «Please give me a prescription for the Pill.» «I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.» «It relaxes me.» «But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,» exclaimed the physician. «I know,» said Mrs Ogden, «but my daughter dates, and every … Читать далее
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says «I want my $20 million.» To which the man replied, «No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest … Читать далее
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t … Читать далее
Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. «Superman don’t need no seat belt,» Ali growled. «Well, Superman,» the stewardess replied, «don’t need no airplane!»
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) … Читать далее
The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. «Jesus Christ!» he says. Joseph says, «Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a … Читать далее
Feminist’s Fairytale!! Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, «I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can … Читать далее
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, «How was I born?» «The stork brought you to us.» «Oh,» said Little Johnny. «Well, how did you and daddy get born?» he asked. «Oh, the stork brought us too.» «So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?» «Well, darling, the stork … Читать далее
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again … Читать далее
Why God Created Lawyers Satan was complaining bitterly to God, «You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship … Читать далее
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: «You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.» Second Guy: «That’s nothing, … Читать далее
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, «You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter … Читать далее
Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People’s Choice … Читать далее
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,» he said. «I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!» «All right, my son,» admonished the priest. «For penance, finish off the stations!» Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, «Thank you, … Читать далее
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. «What’s this,» … Читать далее
The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why. They received this short and simple explantion: «The bag ain’t full yet.»
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky: — Nobody would know about her if it weren’t for Bill — She sucks — She blows — She’s bloated — She’s the focus of a huge legal battle — She’ll go down in a heartbeat Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy «My name is Johnny Fuckhauer». So she said «There’ll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; … Читать далее
«Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,» said the man. «Sounds … Читать далее
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: «George and the Dragon.» He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. «Could ye spare some victuals?» The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. «No!» she shouted. «Could I have a pint of ale?» … Читать далее