Top Baseball Player Demands From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994 In case anyone has od’ed on O. J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.] No team flights on Continental Airlines. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros. … Читать далее
HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine 6. Hunt … Читать далее
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, «It really works!»
A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. «Look here, I’d like to give you the job, you’ve got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you’ve got of winking all the time, it … Читать далее
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, «Sir, what are you doing?» The drunk replied, «I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.» The police officer … Читать далее
«Shhaaayyy, buddy, what’s a ‘Breathalyzer’?» asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. «Well, I’d have to say it’s a bag that tells you when you’ve drunk way too much,» answered the equally wasted gent. «Ah hell, whaddya know? I’ve been married to one of those for years and years now!»
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, «So you’re a … Читать далее
A young kid’s in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, … Читать далее
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a … Читать далее
Redneck computer terms Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter. Log Off: Don’t add no wood. Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove. Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’. Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood. Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the … Читать далее
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops … Читать далее
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was … Читать далее
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: «Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.» Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: «There’s nothing athletes like — or indeed hate — more than hanging around like this.» — David Coleman, BBC 1 TV «Not being in … Читать далее
Why Don’t We Mix Up the Two (Tune, «Why don’t we get drunk…» with apologies to Jimmy Buffett) I’ve got a pound of Cesium, It’s burning gently near . The sky-blue flame looks lovely, But it’s noise I want to hear. So darlin’ bring some water, A couple pints’ll do. And why don’t we mix … Читать далее
Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband «beats her.» The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman. «Every damn time your Honor,» she sighed, «Every damn time!»
A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time. The doctor asked which he liked best. He Replied, » Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them.»
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see my license plate. Q: Who has the right … Читать далее
This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now. Doctor: «What happened to you?» He says: «I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!» Doctor: «But I don’t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn’t cause that much damage!» He says «Aah … Читать далее
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s … Читать далее
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. «Your workers, they’re escaping!» cries the visitor. «You’ve got to stop them.» «Don’t worry, they’ll be back,» says the American. And indeed, … Читать далее
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a … Читать далее
(This joke requires the use a small visual. I’ll describe the visual first, then as I tell the joke I’ll cue you when to use it) Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also stretched wide open. Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (use visual) HUNG … Читать далее
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They’re still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery … Читать далее
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, «What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?» The little girl replies, «I want a Barbie and G. I. Joe.» Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, «I … Читать далее
Noah And Today’s Ark The Lord spoke to Noah and said, «Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. … Читать далее
Parent’s Dictionary of Meanings DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not … Читать далее
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and … Читать далее
Two very hot-headed people lived directly across the halls from each other. Dave got a piece of 1/2″ rope and tied their doors together with about a 6″ gap of slack. Waited until 2:30am and knocked REALLY HARD on both doors. Interesting way to wake up…having two steaming mad football jerks slamming each other’s doors … Читать далее
What makes a man think he’s so great? 1) He has a belly button that won’t work. 2) He has tits that won’t give milk. 3) He has a cock that won’t crow. 4) He has balls that won’t roll. 5) He has an ass that won’t carry a thing.
Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with … Читать далее
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. «Pardon me» he asks, turning on his best charm, «…but is this stool taken?»
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The … Читать далее
Cologne, May 27 dpa — The U. S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many «Big Mac» hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany’s leading institutes. The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald’s restaurant chain is increasingly being … Читать далее
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, «Old MacDonald had a ________.» Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But … Читать далее
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he … Читать далее
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, «Free bus to the hotel Astor!» On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, «Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free … Читать далее
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, «Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.» … Читать далее
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, » When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, … Читать далее
The following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: «The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.» «Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.» «The skin was moist … Читать далее
A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants. «Show the lady your finest mink!» the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. … Читать далее
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like «cunt» and «cock» scrawled all over the blackboard. «Children,» she said, addressing the classroom, «you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we’re all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I … Читать далее
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter … Читать далее
«Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old … Читать далее
Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee’ called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. «Okay honey», she told me, «Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the … Читать далее
After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride … Читать далее
A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. «Nope, no laundry,» the boy said, «I’m going to wash my dog!» … Читать далее
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, «Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.» «We’re new here,» says the second one. «It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.» The first … Читать далее
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, «Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?» The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. «I can’t dear,» she said. «I … Читать далее
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant … Читать далее
Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, «Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!» The second one says, «This one does!»