Deck the Labs Deck the labs with rubber tubing Fa la la la la, la la la la. Use your funnel and your filter Fa la la la la, la la la la. Don we now our goggles and aprons Fa la la la la, la la la la. Before we go to our lab … Читать далее
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning … Читать далее
George Costanza’s Tips for Working Hard I Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re … Читать далее
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. «Boy,» said the farmer, «that sure makes me want to do the same.» «Well, go ahead,» said his girlfriend. «It’s your cow.»
«First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be.» — Jacques Futrelle, «The Problem of Cell … Читать далее
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind … Читать далее
It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby. They waded through … Читать далее
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, «What are you doing?» She replies, «I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.» The husband retorts, «Well, what did he say about your 50 year … Читать далее
Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my … Читать далее
A few months ago I saw a newspaper clipping which told of a newspaper in Illinois (I think…) which ran a story warning consumers that, on such-and — such day, Illinois Bell would be «blowing the dust out of the phone lines» and that all phone owners should cover the earpiece of their phones with … Читать далее
A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged. «Have you always been that way?» asked the podiatrist. «No,» she said, not until recently. «I’ve been fucking a lot doggie style.» «Well,» said the podiatrist, «you are going to have to stop.» «I can’t,» … Читать далее
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, «No.» The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, «Now Monica, we just have … Читать далее
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said «Mike, I’ll be havin’ three whiskeys.» Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. «Now, Timothy, it’s not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It’s celebratin’, you are. «Ahh, ye know me … Читать далее
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. «What’s the matter?» the bartender asks. «My wife and I got into a fight,» explained the guy «and now she isn’t talking to me for a … Читать далее
The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint. «Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.» «Come on now Mr Peters,» the doctor said, «your sex drives all in your head.» «Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little.»
A secretary, who works in an office with my daughter’s friend, Commented at lunch that it was such a shame that the spice girls couldn’t stay together considering they are sisters and all. There was silence for a bit, then someone told her that they weren’t sisters. She said, » Of course they are, they … Читать далее
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s … Читать далее
The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, «What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?»
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992’s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had … Читать далее
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, «I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear. The second nurse said, «Well, I did worse … Читать далее
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, «Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?» «Yes,» the golfer responded. «Did you … Читать далее
This is so cool. Read this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE — SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF — IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count ALOUD the F’s in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again. See below… ANSWER: There are six F’s in … Читать далее
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 9. Today is our what? 8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I … Читать далее
Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I’m happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples. Girl: Wow! That’s great! Why? Dermatologist: There’s no more space.
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: «At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?» Farmer: «That’s right.» Attorney: «Well, then, how is it … Читать далее
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. «Come have a look over here,» says Paddy, «it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.» «That’s nothing», says … Читать далее
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: «Well, what can I do for you madam?». The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: «You can discuss any matter with … Читать далее
Back in the ’70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, «Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, ‘Oh, great. Now I’ll have to … Читать далее
An elderly couple in a senior’s home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys’s penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. «What’s she got that I … Читать далее
Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch. Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going? Dog: Doin alright. Indian: [extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Dog: Yep Cowboy: How’s he treat you? … Читать далее
An elderly gentleman… Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is … Читать далее
In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, «When will the girls and boys meet?» Mathematician: … Читать далее
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. «I am the most beautiful person in the world,» proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. «No, you’re not,» answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. «I am the smallest person in the world,» shouted Tom Thumb. «No, you’re not,» said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. «I’ve had … Читать далее
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, «F. F.» His wife turned to him and answered, «E. F.» Out on the highway, he … Читать далее
This is Army policy all begins… Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes … Читать далее
A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers … Читать далее
A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that … Читать далее
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. «What’s in the bags?», asked the guard. «Sand,» said the cyclist. «Get them off — we’ll take a look,» said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, … Читать далее
This joke has been done 50 (yes, 50) years ago by my father-in-law. First, a little background: He lived in a small village, north-west of Quebec City along the St-Laurent river. In those days, toilets were located outside the house in what we call in good ol’ french canadian ‘becosse’, from ‘back house’ I think. … Читать далее
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife’s beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. «Bill darling,» she breathed. «I’ve got a confession to make before I go… I… I’m the one who took the $10,000 … Читать далее
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s breast a little feel and says,»Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.» His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, «Mother, if this … Читать далее
There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn’t know what to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she said, «COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?» The Cow said, «I feed my babies milk.» She went on to the horse. Talking with her … Читать далее
Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, «Where is my camel?» They replied, «Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people … Читать далее
The Young Man’s Big Mouth A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. «Well,» he said, «I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms … Читать далее
One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn’t affect … Читать далее
Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings. PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to … Читать далее
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: «I can lick any man in the place!» The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: «Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?»
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself … Читать далее
Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the … Читать далее
How many letters are there in the alphabet? Noel, noel, noel, noel… the angels did say… E. T. went home. Get rid of X. There’s too many unknowns in the world already! (Only one vowel left, or is that «Anly ana vawal laft» This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, … Читать далее