Jesus has risen

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1. A catholic lithanyA man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. «A priest. Somebody get me a priest!» the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. «A ... Читать далее...
2. ConfessionThe new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, «Father, I never wears panties under my habit.» The priest chuckles and says, «That’s not so serious. Say five Hail ... Читать далее...
3. A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole outA young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. «Oh,» says the older priest, «give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents.»...
4. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
5. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priestA boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank ... Читать далее...
6. Together againMaria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, «At least they’re finally together.» A guy sitting in ... Читать далее...
7. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
8. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
9. Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothelTwo Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. «Ah, will you look at that?» One ditch digger said. «What’s our world comin’ to when men of th’ cloth are visitin’ such places?» A short time later, ... Читать далее...
10. Sister Mary burst into the office of the principalSister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. «Father!» she cried, «just WAIT until you hear this!» The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, » Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?» ... Читать далее...
11. Is it over yet?It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.» «Well,» answered the Priest, «That’s no a sin.» «But I made him pay me 20 ... Читать далее...
12. Camel DiedCamel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and ... Читать далее...
13. Divine RightSeveral years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest ... Читать далее...
14. Значение идиомы leave at the altar[leave at the altar] {v. phr.} 1. To decide not to marry someone inthe last minute; jilt. Ed left poor Susan at the altar. 2. Tooverlook and skip for promotion; not fulfill deserved expectation. Once again I didn’t get my promotion and was left at the altar....
15. One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stallOne day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew ... Читать далее...
16. How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father’s business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin....
17. Three altar boys are standing in the snow withThree altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis’ in a snow bank. Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, «Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing… you’re going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis’ away.» The tallest altar boy turns around and ... Читать далее...
18. The same thingA married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, «I had an affair with a woman… almost.» The priest says, «what do you mean almost?» The man says, «Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.» The priest replies, «Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not ... Читать далее...
19. What causes people to have arthritisA man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the ... Читать далее...
20. What causes arthritis?A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled ... Читать далее...
21. A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a RabbiA Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова priestPriest — священник Перевод слова To ordain a priest — посвящать в духовный сан priest’s trappings — внешние атрибуты священника priest brethren — братья в священстве We thanked the Priest for his kind words. Мы поблагодарили священника за теплые слова. A Priest, vested in surplice. Священник, облаченный в стихарь. A Priest has eased me of ... Читать далее...
23. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...
24. Wear your collar backwardsJohnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, «Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?» The priest says, «Because I’m a father.» Johnny says, «Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.» The priest says «You don’t understand, son. I ... Читать далее...
25. A small mixupA florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the ... Читать далее...
26. The Yuppette had risen to executive levelThe Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers. «Now that’s entirely false.» she cried. «I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least ... Читать далее...
27. Falling downThere’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, «If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!» Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would ... Читать далее...
28. Criminal steals lumberA man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. «What did you take?» his priest asked. «Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two ... Читать далее...
29. Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voicesMorris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said ‘N I L’. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky. ... Читать далее...
30. Before performing a baptism, the priest approachedBefore performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, «Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?» «I think so,» the man replied. «My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.» «I don’t mean ... Читать далее...
31. The priest was preparing a manThe priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, «Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!» The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, «Why do you refuse to ... Читать далее...
32. Gift for a birthdayA fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses… one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that ... Читать далее...
33. Sister Ann, arent you putting on a little weight?«Sister Ann, aren’t you putting on a little weight?» inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. «Why, no Father,» answered the nun demurely, «It’s just a little gas.» A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her ... Читать далее...
34. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogueA priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out ... Читать далее...
35. Перевод слова flowerFlower — цветок, цветение, цвести Перевод слова Flower market — цветочный рынок to burst into flower — распуститься, расцвести his talent flowered very early — его талант расцвел очень рано What is this Flower called? Как называется этот цветок? She Flowered into young womanhood. Она превратилась в прелестную молодую женщину. Roses start to come into ... Читать далее...
36. Getting in an accidentA Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, «So you’re a ... Читать далее...
37. Pray hardA lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, «Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.» «What do they say?» the priest inquired. «They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?» «That’s obscene!» the priest exclaimed, ... Читать далее...
38. And Jesus said unto his disciplesAnd Jesus said unto his disciples, «Whom do men say that I am?» And His disciples answered unto Him, «Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.» And Jesus said, «What?»...
39. Love JesusBy Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light ... Читать далее...
40. The Naming of JesusA group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that ... Читать далее...