I just ate those peanuts

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1. PeanutsSitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it ... Читать далее...
2. Too much attentionOne evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a ... Читать далее...
3. Elderly romanceThere’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, «For five dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my ... Читать далее...
4. A snowballOne time in my undergrad days, it was snowing like mad out. someone decided it was time a make a snowball. then someone else suggested that we should put this snowball in this one guy’s room— nobody liked this guy— so when the word got around, half the people in our dorm section came out ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова bowlBowl — кубок, чаша Перевод слова A bowl of soup — чашка супа salad bowl — салатница sugar bowl — сахарница He upset a Bowl of soup. Он опрокинул миску с супом. Fill the Bowl with sugar. Наполни сахарницу. Mix all the ingredients thoroughly in a large Bowl. Тщательно перемешайте все ингредиенты в большой миске....
6. A salesman in a strange city was feeling hornyA salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in ... Читать далее...
7. Punishment for GatesSatan greets him: «Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked ... Читать далее...
8. Значение идиомы home[home] See: AT HOME, BRING HOME, BRING HOME THE BACON, CHICKENSCOME HOME TO ROOST, CLOSE TO HOME, CONVALESCENT HOME or NURSING HOMEor REST HOME, KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING, MAKE ONESELF AT HOME, NOBODY HOME, WRITE HOME ABOUT....
9. A couple of geezers were sittingA couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. «How are you, Tom?» asked Marvin. «I’m not feeling well today — utterly exhausted,» Tom replied. «I pulled a muscle and it’s killing me.» «That pulled muscle shouldn’t make you so tired, though.» «Well, it does if you ... Читать далее...
10. An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing homeAn old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. «It did? I’m sorry to hear that,» she replied. Two days later, Mr. ... Читать далее...
11. A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the weddingA huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, «How the hell do the two of you have sex?» The big guy says, «I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.» His friend says, «You ... Читать далее...
12. Newer homes and furniture burn faster, giving you less time to escape a fireResearch shows that 30 years ago, you had about about 17 minutes to escape a house fire. Today it’s down to 3 or 4 minutes. The reason: Newer homes and the furniture inside them actually burn faster. A lot faster. To demonstrate, Rossen Reports went to Underwriters Laboratories in Chicago, where two rooms were built ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова chairChair — стул, трон Перевод слова Cane chair — плетеный стул easy chair — удобный стул rocking chair — кресло-качалка He sat down in a Chair. Он сел в кресло. A Chair made of cedar. Стул сделанный из кедра. I’ll get you a Chair. Я принесу вам стул....
14. Перевод слова auntAunt — тетя Перевод слова Great aunt — двоюродная бабка male aunt — шутл. дядя aunt in law — жена дяди; тетка Aunt Mary sends her love. Тетя Мэри передает привет. He has three Aunts and two uncles. У него три тетки и два дяди....
15. Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sittingGrandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, «Fuck you!» Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, «Fuck you too!» Grandpa becomes very much excited ... Читать далее...
16. A man was walking down the street when he noticedA man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. «Grandpa, what are you doing?» he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. «Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here ... Читать далее...
17. Rearranging Living Room FurnitureAmy: I think Rearranging the furniture will make the Living room look more Spacious. Don’t you? Jacob: Uh, sure. Amy: Can you help me move this Couch against this wall? Jacob: Okay, but are you sure you want it over there? Because it’s really heavy and a pain to move. Amy: I’m sure. Let’s move ... Читать далее...
18. Значение идиомы waiting room[waiting room] {n. phr.} The sitting area in a doctor’s, lawyer’s, accountant’s, etc. office, or in a hospital, or other workplace, wherepeople wait their turn. Some doctor’s offices have elegantlyfurnished waiting rooms with magazines, newspapers, and coffee for thepatients....
19. Значение идиомы by turns[by turns] {adv. phr.} First one and then another in a regular way; one substituting for or following another according to a repeated plan. On the drive to Chicago, the three men took the wheel by turns. The teachers were on duty by turns. When John had a fever, he felt cold and hot by ... Читать далее...
20. Soft and HardA man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, «Ma’am, ... Читать далее...
21. Taking Minutes of a MeetingI was Absent at last month’s meeting, so imagine my surprise when I found out that I had been Elected the committee’s Secretary! As part of my duties, I have To take minutes at each meeting. Taking minutes means I have to pay attention and try my best To transcribe what each person says, or ... Читать далее...
22. A bowl of chiliA homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to ... Читать далее...
23. Значение идиомы in a bind[in a bind] or [in a box] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Likely to havetrouble whether you do one thing or another. Sam is in a bindbecause if he carries home his aunt’s groceries, his teacher will beangry because he is late, and if he doesn’t, his aunt will complain. Compare: BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP ... Читать далее...
24. You Can Never Really Go BackYou Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, «Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.» «Yeah,» she replied, «Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting ... Читать далее...
25. Значение идиомы take turns[take turns] {v. phr.} To do something one after another instead ofdoing it all at the same time. In class we should not talk all atthe same time; we should take turns. Jean and Beth took turns onthe swing. The two boys took turns at digging the hole. Thethree men took turns driving so one ... Читать далее...
26. Recovering from an Illness or InjuryJulio: Hi, Aunt Louisa, it’s Julio. Paula: …And Paula. I’m on the Extension in the kitchen. Julio: Anyway, we just wanted to call and wish you a Speedy recovery. Get plenty of Bed rest and Take it easy. Avoid Greasy or Spicy foods and drink lots of liquids. You don’t want to become Dehydrated. Paula: ... Читать далее...
27. An old man and an old woman were sittingAn old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,»You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked.» The woman said, «Why don’t we try that again?» So they stripped and sat down at the table again. ... Читать далее...
28. How many people work in the U. S. government?One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy’s Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, «Dad, how many people work in the U. S. government?» The father replies without hesitating, «Oh, about ten percent.»...
29. A henpecked husbandA henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. «You don’t have to let your wife bully you,» he said. «Go home and show her you’re the boss.» The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, «From now ... Читать далее...
30. My RoomВ топике Моя комната я рассказываю, что из всех 3-х комнат нашей квартиры, мне больше всего нравится моя собственная. Она удобна и для работы, и для отдыха: в ней не много мебели, но есть все необходимое. Когда ко мне приходят друзья, я с удовольствием приглашаю их в свою комнату. We live in three-room flat. Of ... Читать далее...
31. Значение идиомы nurse a drink[nurse a drink] {v. phr.}, {informal} To hold a drink in one’s handat a party, pretending to be drinking it or taking extremely smallsips only. John’s been nursing that drink all evening....
32. You might be a redneck if 05You might be a redneck if… You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog. You’re an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, «Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!» Your family tree ... Читать далее...
33. My Flat (2)We have a nice flat in a new block of flats. Our flat is on the fifth floor of a nine-storied building. It has all modem conveniences: central heating, running hot and cold water, electricity, gas, a lift and a chute to carry rubbish down. We have a three-room flat which consists of a living-room, ... Читать далее...
34. This man was sitting quietly reading his paperThis man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: «What was that for?» Wife: «What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written ... Читать далее...
35. The Microsoft waiterPatron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it ... Читать далее...
36. Значение идиомы goldfish bowl[goldfish bowl] {n.}, {slang}, {informal} 1. A situation in whichit is not possible to keep things secret for any length of time. Washington Society is a goldfish bowl. 2. An apartment or place thatprovides no privacy for its occupant, e. g., an office that has toomany windows. Joe’s office is a goldfish bowl, that’s why ... Читать далее...
37. On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope wasOn the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, «What’s a four — letter word ending in «unt» which means «woman»? The bishop said, «Did you try «aunt»? The Pope said, «Mmmm. Do you ... Читать далее...
38. HomeworkOne day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, «We’re learning about sexual education.» She smiled, and said, «At least he’s learning something usefull.» Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. ... Читать далее...
39. A man and a woman are sitting next to each otherA man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down. «My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,» she said. «What a coincidence! My wife just left me,» said the man, «she ... Читать далее...
40. The fruit cake recipieYou’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the ... Читать далее...