I had it all

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1. A man was complaining to a friendA man was complaining to a friend. «I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!» «What happened?» asked the friend. «My wife found out.»...
2. Love to DeathA man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments — lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, ... Читать далее...
3. The guide to wife translationsThe wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need ... Читать далее...
4. A 70-year-old man has never been marriedA 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, «So, tell me, how was it?» «Oh, it was beautiful,» says the man. «The ... Читать далее...
5. Trust thy friendThe sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. «Was it my friend Sam», he demanded. «No!» his weeping wife replied. «Was it my friend Jim then?» he asked. «NO!!!» she said ... Читать далее...
6. Marriage quotes 11My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one ... Читать далее...
7. Marriage quotes 14This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that ... Читать далее...
8. A man escapes from prisonA man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of ... Читать далее...
9. Marital SexWhile making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: «What happened, did I hurt you?» «Why no, not at all,» said his surprised wife. «Whatever made you ... Читать далее...
10. Childhood DiseasesChildhood Diseases Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. «What happened to you feet?» his wife asked. «I had a childhood disease called tolio.» «Don’t you mean polio?» «No, tolio, it only ... Читать далее...
11. The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wifeThe 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man’s oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked «How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?» The old man ... Читать далее...
12. An old lady lived by herself in a small houseAn old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he ... Читать далее...
13. When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money andWhen Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, «Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.» «Don’t be stupid, Joe,» said the psychiatrist. «My wife ran ... Читать далее...
14. Not this timeThere was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his ... Читать далее...
15. The man approached the very beautiful womanThe man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, «You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?» «Why?» «Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.»...
16. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
17. Saving the situationAfter attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, «What the hell happened?» «As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,» replied the wife. «Piss on him,» answered the husband. «You did,» said the wife, «and he fired ... Читать далее...
18. Ne day, this man, Tony, diedOne day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could ... Читать далее...
19. A fair offerOne day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his ... Читать далее...
20. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an AmericanA Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. «Last night I made love to my wife four times,» the Frenchman bragged, «and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored ... Читать далее...
21. A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problemA young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front ... Читать далее...
22. Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up andCharlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова happenHappen — случаться, происходить, оказаться Перевод слова What happened to your friend? — что случилось с твоим другом? as often happens — как часто бывает the house happened to be empty — дом оказался пустым I Happen to know the inside. Так получилось, что я располагаю секретной информацией. Worse cannot Happen. Ничего худшего не может ... Читать далее...
24. Controlling your spouseThere were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, «Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your ... Читать далее...
25. A man was riding in the back of his limousineA man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. «Why are you eating grass?» he asked the man. «I don’t have any money for food,» the poor man replied. «Oh, please come ... Читать далее...
26. Marriage quotes 10Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife. May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish ... Читать далее...
27. Marriage quotes 03There was a man who said, «I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!» Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a ... Читать далее...
28. A substitute for womenA guy says, «I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.» «Yeah what happened?» asked his friend. The first guy replies, «Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.»...
29. A pushA man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. «I’m not getting out of bed at this time,» he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. «Aren’t you going to ... Читать далее...
30. Jokes about Ireland 2Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Joey-Jim asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
31. A painful adjustmentAdjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. «Well, you see, this morning when I got up,» he said, «I was barely awake ... Читать далее...
32. Once some boys got together to play pokerOnce some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack. All his friends didn’t know how ... Читать далее...
33. An old retired man goes to his wife one dayAn old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, «I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.» The wife says, «No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.» Husband replies, «Our savings are all gone and you ... Читать далее...
34. Marriage quotes 05Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22 Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Don’t marry for money; ... Читать далее...
35. Marriage quotes 04A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Borge Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. An archaeologist ... Читать далее...
36. Working in the gardenA prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: «I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?» The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: «Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы money[money] See: COIN MONEY or MINT MONEY, EASY MONEY, FOOL AND HISMONEY ARE SOON PARTED, FOR LOVE OR MONEY, IN THE CHIPS or IN THEMONEY, MADE OF MONEY, MARRY MONEY, PUT ONE’S MONEY ON A SCRATCHEDHORSE, RUN FOR ONE’S MONEY, SEE THE COLOR OF ONE’S MONEY, SPENDINGMONEY or POCKET MONEY....
38. PsychoanalysisOne of Sigmund Freud’s early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. «Oh, it’s just terrible,» she wailed. «Today the doctor told me I’m ... Читать далее...
39. Made for each otherA friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife....
40. Humor about Irish MarriagesSome years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving ... Читать далее...