Humor about Ireland 2

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1. Humor about the IrishAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, ... Читать далее...
2. Jokes about Ireland 2Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Joey-Jim asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
3. Clean Ireland HumorAn English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both ... Читать далее...
4. There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impedimentThere was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked «Could I have a fucket please?» The assistant asked»Pardon sir?». «Can I have a fucket please?» Replied the man. ... Читать далее...
5. Humor about St. Patrick’s DayPaddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Paddy asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» Paddy replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
6. Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavernTim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said «Mike, I’ll be havin’ three whiskeys.» Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. «Now, Timothy, it’s not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It’s celebratin’, you are. «Ahh, ye know me ... Читать далее...
7. Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holidayPaddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like. «Australia’s a great place!» Paddy replied. «First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can’t stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you ... Читать далее...
8. Humor about Irish MarriagesSome years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving ... Читать далее...
9. Clean St. Patrick’s Day HumorIn hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. «Four glasses of ale,» was the reply. «Next?» «Two glasses of whiskey.» «Next?» «One glass of brandy.» «Next?» «A fight.» In West Kerry, the wife commented, «When ... Читать далее...
10. Humor about the IrishmenThere is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He’d wanted to be buried at sea. «Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?» the solicitor questioned his client. «Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?» «Oh, no,» replied Mrs. O’Connor. «Shure now, we ... Читать далее...
11. A man was taking his wifeA man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, «Don’t worry, everybody ... Читать далее...
12. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one askedDown in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, «Do you ever get to feeling horny?» «Yes,» her friend replied. «What do you do about it?» «I usually suck on a Lifesaver.» After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, «Well, what beach do you go to?»...
13. With a puzzled look on his faceWith a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, «Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?» She told him, «Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.» Then he asked, «Why is my sister named Cornflower?» She replied, «Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова faithFaith — вера, доверие, убеждения Перевод слова To shake smb.’s faith — поколебать чью-л. веру the Christian faith — христианство to break one’s faith — отступиться от своих взглядов By my Faith! Клянусь честью! We have discarded our Faith in astrology and witches. Мы покончили с нашей верой в астрологию, ведьм и колдуний. She is ... Читать далее...
15. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
16. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
17. A man was riding in the back of his limousineA man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. «Why are you eating grass?» he asked the man. «I don’t have any money for food,» the poor man replied. «Oh, please come ... Читать далее...
18. Course of actionOne Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. «Veronica, I just don’t know what to do,» Gloria said to her friend at work. «That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?» «Oh, my God!» her friend exclaimed. «He’ll wine you, ... Читать далее...
19. A gent spots a nice looking gal in a barA gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. «Carmen,» she replied. «That’s a nice name,» he said warming up the conversation, «Who named you, your mother?» «No, I named myself, she answered. «Oh, that’s interesting, why Carmen?» ... Читать далее...
20. Humor about the Stupid IrishHiggins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When ... Читать далее...
21. Bum in need of foodOne afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. «Why are you eating grass?», he asked one man. «We don’t have any money for food.», The poor man replied. ... Читать далее...
22. Amusing Humor about the IrishO’Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O’Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o’clock the doorbell rang. It was the next ... Читать далее...
23. Trust thy friendThe sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. «Was it my friend Sam», he demanded. «No!» his weeping wife replied. «Was it my friend Jim then?» he asked. «NO!!!» she said ... Читать далее...
24. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the ... Читать далее...
25. Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up andCharlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод слова illnessIllness — болезнь Перевод слова Dangerous illness — опасная болезнь to heal of illness — вылечить от болезни slight illness — болезнь в легкой форме Our mother’s Illness concerns us. Болезнь нашей матери беспокоит нас. He is greatly reduced by Illness. Во время болезни он очень похудел. She expired after a long Illness. Она умерла ... Читать далее...
27. Clean Jokes about IrelandAn American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight — an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. «You see that, I reckon,» said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. «And now where would you be ... Читать далее...
28. Clean Humor about the IrishIt seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: «Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, ... Читать далее...
29. Civil War Era humorCivil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN… The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent ... Читать далее...
30. An extremely loyal fanThere was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself «what a waste» he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, «Is ... Читать далее...
31. Ireland monument to Choctaw Nation finishedGot word from a reader today that a sculpture made in honor of a donation from the Choctaw Nation to the people of Ireland in 1847 has been finished and is now on display in Bailic Park in Middleton, a small town of 12,000 not far from Ireland’s southern coast in County Cork. The backstory ... Читать далее...
32. A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aidA woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, «How many children do you have?» «Ten,» she replied. «What are their names?» he asked. «LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,» she answered. «They’re all named LeRoy?» he asked «What if you want them ... Читать далее...
33. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
34. Funny Humor about the IrishThis is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of ... Читать далее...
35. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious itemsA man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with «WWJD» printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for ... Читать далее...
36. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы on faith[on faith] {adv. phr.} Without question or proof. He said he wastwenty-one years old and the employment agency took him on faith. He looked so honest that we accepted his story on faith....
38. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
39. Another ethnic jokeA man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, «What a Pollack.» The Polish man said, «I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.» ... Читать далее...
40. Crazy people talkA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient ... Читать далее...