Heavenly golf

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1. Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses “I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.” and Moses says “Yeah sure.” So Jesus gets up and says “I think I’ll walk on the water, that was always a good one.” So Jesus […]...
2. Golf A golf course Golf courses have different sizes and shapes. Most of them have 18 holes that are between a hundred and 500 metres long. If you have finished playing all 18 holes you have played a round of golf. Each hole has a starting place, called a tee. This is a small area from […]...
3. Golf lessons A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks […]...
4. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do […]...
5. A husband and wife were out playing golf A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in […]...
6. Golf with older man A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee […]...
7. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.” “Oh, yes. I’ll never […]...
8. A man was playing a game of golf A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says “thank […]...
9. A difficult golf game Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?” The guy says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.” […]...
10. The story with the moral In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.” There was a fish in the water […]...
11. Definite laws of golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed […]...
12. The golf course A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you […]...
13. Heated passions Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the […]...
14. Incredible golf ball A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!” The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?” “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose […]...
15. Значение идиомы tee up [tee up] {v.} To set the golf ball on the tee in preparation forhitting it toward the green. Arnold Palmer teed the ball up for thefinal hole....
16. A game of golf A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. […]...
17. Perfectly good eyesight Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?”. The second guy says, “Sure! I see […]...
18. Business is business A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the […]...
19. George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, “Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. […]...
20. The strength of youth A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee […]...
21. Значение идиомы water [water] See: BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, DEEP WATER, FISH OUT OF WATER, GO THROUGH HELL AND HIGH WATER, HEADABOVE WATER, HOLD WATER, HELL AND HIGH WATER, HOT WATER, LIKE WATER, LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK, MAKE ONE’S MOUTH WATER, OF THE FIRSTWATER, POUR OIL ON TROUBLED WATERS, THROW […]...
22. Значение идиомы sand trap [sand trap] {n.} A low place on a golf course that is filled withsand to stop the ball. The golfer lost four strokes trying to getthe ball out of the sand trap....
23. What to do to get golf Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second Guy: […]...
24. Buying some golf balls A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are […]...
25. Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two’gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with […]...
26. Golf in the Bedroom Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment – normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. […]...
27. Значение идиомы mouth [mouth] See: BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN ONE’S MOUTH, BUTTERWOULDN’T MELT IN ONE’S MOUTH, BY WORD OF MOUTH, DOWN IN THE DUMPS orDOWN IN THE MOUTH, FOAM AT THE MOUTH, HEART IN ONE’S MOUTH, KEEP ONE’SMOUTH SHUT, LAUGH ON THE WRONG SIDE OF ONE’S MOUTH, LEAVE A BAD TASTEIN ONE’S MOUTH, LIVE FROM HAND […]...
28. The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he’d noticed that the club professional had been watching. “What club should […]...
29. Перевод слова trap Trap – ловушка, капкан, западня Перевод слова To set a booby trap – поставить ловушку police trap – полицейская западня tank trap – противотанковая ловушка He fell right into the Trap. Он упал прямо в западню. There’s no way out! We’re Trapped! Здесь нет выхода! Мы в ловушке! Amanda felt that marriage was a Trap. […]...
30. There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn’t figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick […]...
31. Значение идиомы behind the eight-ball [behind the eight-ball] {adj. phr.}, {slang} In a difficult position; in trouble. Mr. Thompson is an older man, and when he lost his job, he found he was behind the eight-ball. Bill can’t dance and has no car, so he is behind the eight-ball with the girls. Compare: HAVE TWO STRIKES AGAINST ONE, IN A […]...
32. This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. […]...
33. Значение идиомы make one’s mouth water [make one’s mouth water] {v. phr.} 1. To look or smell very good;make you want very much to eat or drink something you see or smell. The pies in the store window made Dan’s mouth water. The pictureof the ice cream soda made his mouth water. 2. To be attractive; makeyou want to have something […]...
34. Значение идиомы eagle eye [eagle eye] {n.} Sharp vision like that of an eagle; the ability tonotice even the tiniest details. The new boss keeps an eagle eye onall aspects of our operation....
35. Значение идиомы ball [ball] See: BASE ON BALLS, CARRY THE BALL, FLY BALL, FOUL BALL, GET THE BALL ROLLING, SET THE BALL ROLLING, START THE BALL ROLLING, GOPHER BALL, GROUND BALL, HAVE A HALL, HAVE SOMETHING ON THE BALL, JUMP BALL, KEEP THE BALL ROLLING, LONG BALL, ON THE BALL, PASSED BALL, PLAYBALL....
36. Значение идиомы hole-in-the-wall [hole-in-the-wall] {n. phr.} A small place to live, stay in, orwork in; a small, hidden, or inferior place. The jewelry storeoccupied a tiny hole-in-the-wall. When Mr. and Mrs. Green werefirst married, they lived in a little hole-in-fhe-wall in a cheapapartment building. 2. {slang}, {citizen’s band radio jargon}. Atunnel. Let’s get through this hole in the […]...
37. Значение идиомы hole out [hole out] {v.} To finish play in golf by hitting the ball into thecup. The other players waited for Palmer to hole out before theyputted....
38. Значение идиомы square peg in a round hole [square peg in a round hole] {n.}, {informal} A person who does notfit into a job or position; someone who does not belong where he is. Arthur is a square peg in a round hole when he is playing ball. George likes to work with his hands. When it comes to books, he’s asquare peg […]...
39. The three wise men are out for a stroll when The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. “Jesus Christ!” he says. Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a […]...
40. JOHN F. KENNEDY: The Swingingest President Ever J. F. K., a gifted golfer, didn’t want to be photographed on the links. He was afraid of inheriting Eisenhower’s image, as a man putting his way through is presidency. An aficionado of Ian Fleming’s spy novels, John F. Kennedy relished keeping secrets almost as much as he enjoyed hearing them. One of Kennedy’s most […]...