Granny’s gender

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1. A little girl was out with her GrandmotherA little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. «What are they doing, Grandma?» asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, «The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.» They’re ... Читать далее...
2. Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sittingGrandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, «Fuck you!» Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, «Fuck you too!» Grandpa becomes very much excited ... Читать далее...
3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her motherOne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, «Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her ... Читать далее...
4. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. PeterLady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: «Oh dear, what happened to you?» Di answers: «I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse». Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: «My God, you look terrible.» Dodi ... Читать далее...
5. Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fightSleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. «I am the most beautiful person in the world,» proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. «No, you’re not,» answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. «I am the smallest person in the world,» shouted Tom Thumb. «No, you’re not,» said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. «I’ve had ... Читать далее...
6. Значение идиомы bad actor[bad actor] {n.}, {informal} A person or animal that is always fighting, quarreling, or doing bad things. The boy was a bad actor and nobody liked him....
7. A man was walking down the street when he noticedA man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. «Grandpa, what are you doing?» he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. «Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here ... Читать далее...
8. Short gender jokesA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more ... Читать далее...
9. You Can Never Really Go BackYou Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, «Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.» «Yeah,» she replied, «Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting ... Читать далее...
10. A wife went in to see a therapist and saidA wife went in to see a therapist and said, «I’ve got a big problem doctor» Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.» «MY dear,» the shrink said, «that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?» «The problem is,» she complained, «It wakes me up.»...
11. A young bloke has started work on a propertyA young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right. «I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a ... Читать далее...
12. Значение идиомы on top of the world[on top of the world] or [sitting on top of the world] also [sitting on high cotton] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Feelingpleased and happy; feeling successful. John was on top of the worldwhen he found out that he got into college. When Ruth won firstprize in the contest, she felt as though she was sitting on ... Читать далее...
13. An old man and an old woman were sittingAn old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,»You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked.» The woman said, «Why don’t we try that again?» So they stripped and sat down at the table again. ... Читать далее...
14. The most painful partA group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, «How is it that you know so much about baseball?» She says, «Well, I ... Читать далее...
15. Children`s happiness — Детское счастьеChildhood is the happiest time. We always remember our childhood as the happiest moments of our life. However, childhood made for us our parents. Each child dreams about happy family, about loving parents. And parents dream to do only the best for their babies, give them that they had not. Parents are the nearest people ... Читать далее...
16. A young girl is with her dad at the barbersA young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor. «Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?» asked the barber. «Don’t be so stupid, I’m only three!!» said the girl!...
17. Значение идиомы world[world] See: COME UP IN THE WORLD or RISE IN THE WORLD, DEAD TO THEWORLD, FOR ALL THE WORLD, IN A WORLD OF ONE’S OWN or IN A WORLD BYONESELF, IN THE WORLD, LOOK AT THE WORLD THROUGH ROSE-COLORED GLASSES, NOT FOR THE WORLD, ON TOP OF THE WORLD or SITTING ON TOP OF THE ... Читать далее...
18. Talking About BooksMaggie: What did you think of the book you started last week? Kurt: Oh, I liked it Well enough. Maggie: Wow, that’s a Glowing recommendation. Kurt: Well, it Started off with a bang and the Suspense in the first half was great. I Couldn’t put it down. Then, the Pace changed in the second half ... Читать далее...
19. The girl knelt in the confessional and saidThe girl knelt in the confessional and said, «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.» «What is it, child?» «Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.» The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and ... Читать далее...
20. Best riddles part 2What do people in Europe call little gray cats? Ответ: Little kittens. —————————————— What makes a Dalmatian dog spotted? Ответ: His spots. —————————————— What bird can lift the heaviest weight? Ответ: The crane. —————————————— When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail? Ответ: When it’s a waggin’. —————————————— How do we know that one ... Читать далее...
21. Перевод слова dearDear — дорогой, милый, дорогая, милая Перевод слова Dear mother — милая мамочка o dear! o god! — о боже! a dear little thing — прелестная вещица Be a Dear and make me a coffee. Будь душкой и сделай мне кофе. Can I help you, Dear? Я могу тебе помочь, дорогая? What’s your name, Dear? ... Читать далее...
22. Constipation problemOld Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. «It’s terrible,» she said, «I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.» «I see. Have you done anything about it?» asked the doctor. «Naturally,» she replied, «I sit in the bathroom for a half — hour in the morning ... Читать далее...
23. Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be doneAunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. «It’s terrible,» she said, «I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.» «I see. Have you done anything about it?» asked the doctor. «Naturally,» she replied, «I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at ... Читать далее...
24. Carroll Lewis — Льюис КэрроллLewis Carroll was the pen-name of Charles L. Dodgson, the man who wrote a famous book for children «Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland». Charles L. Dodgson was born in England in 1832. He got his early education at a public school. Then he became a student at Oxford. Charles studied mathematics and later taught this subject ... Читать далее...
25. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nailsTo stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. «I won’t do it any more, Mom,» says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. «If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?» ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод слова halfHalf — половина, частичный Перевод слова A half knowledge of the subject — недостаточное знание предмета half light — неполный свет half the profits — половина прибылей half empty — наполовину пустой It’s Half past one. Сейчас половина второго. What is Half of six? Сколько будет, если шесть разделить пополам? Two Halves make a whole. ... Читать далее...
27. A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is bakingA young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says «Look Momma, I’m a white boy.» His mother slaps him hard On the face and says «Boy, go show your Daddy.» The ... Читать далее...
28. The subway car was packedThe subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, «Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!» «I don’t know what you’re talking about miss — that’s just my ... Читать далее...
29. Animal stutteringLittle Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny’s hand shoots up. «Not correct, Miss!» he says. «Please explain, Johnny,» replies the teacher. «Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with ... Читать далее...
30. Book of child’s mindВ топике Книга и разум ребенка я рассказываю, что с раннего детства мне нравилось сочинять разные истории, которые для меня записывала моя бабушка. Став взрослой, я могу применить свои способности и написать настоящую книгу. А вы когда-нибудь задумывались о том, чтобы написать рассказ или роман? Have you ever think about to compose a story or ... Читать далее...
31. The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s collegeThe dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. «In moments of temptation,» said the speaker to the class, «ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?» A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: «How ... Читать далее...
32. Need fishing licensesA couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush’s jumped the Game Warden!! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fella ... Читать далее...
33. A young peasant girl of fourteenA young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, «But why?» he asked. «Nothin, I just wanna ... Читать далее...
34. While enjoying a drink with a mate one nightWhile enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into ... Читать далее...
35. A little girl was walking along a beach in CaliforniaA little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, «What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?» The man said, «Nothing, it’s just a bird, now go away!» The man thought nothing of ... Читать далее...
36. It is written in the Bible!There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. «It’s O. K.,» he replied, «it’s written in ... Читать далее...
37. Very fair paymentAn elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. «Your estate is very complex,» said the lawyer, «but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.» Just then, the phone rang and ... Читать далее...
38. What God looks likeA Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, «I’m drawing God.» The teacher paused and said, «But no one knows ... Читать далее...
39. Drawing GodA kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, «I’m drawing God.» The teacher paused and said, «But no one knows what God ... Читать далее...
40. The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement parkThe young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. «What would you like to do next?» he asked. «I wanna be weighed,» she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. «One-twelve,» said ... Читать далее...