First Aid Course

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1. Eat oysters A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. “What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor. “Oysters,” she said. “Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor. “How should I know?” said the lady “Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the shells?” “My Gosh,” gasped the […]...
2. Jokes About The Irishmen “Hey,” said a new arrival in the pub, “I’ve got some great Irish jokes.” “Before you start,” said the big bloke in the corner, “, I’m Irish.” “Don’t worry,” said the newcomer, “I’ll tell them slowly.” Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the […]...
3. A young lady walks into a doctors office A young lady walks into a doctors office. “Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge” The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says “how does that feel?” Young lady, “Oooh doctor that feels lovely….. …but the discharge is from my ear!!”...
4. Who’s got a bigger crotch? There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, “My husband can get his whole hand up me”. The second lady said, “My husband can get his whole head up me”. The third lady slid down the bar stool....
5. The homework schedule Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend […]...
6. HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! (The Thanksgiving Special) Step 1:Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step […]...
7. A very Insulting Parrot This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, “My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.” She turns around quickly to see who […]...
8. Doctor’s compliment A lady came to see a doctor because of sharp pain in her stomack. After examining his patient doctor gave out the diagnosis: – Madam, you have acute appendicitis. – Thank you, Doctor, but I came to be treated not admired....
9. Delivering a baby A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he […]...
10. An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this […]...
11. Перевод слова shoulder Shoulder – плечо; брать на себя; толкать Перевод слова To shoulder other people’s sins – взваливать на себя чужие грехи shoulder to shoulder – плечом к плечу to shrug one’s shoulders – пожимать плечами to shoulder smb. into the room – втолкнуть кого-л. в комнату Lean against my Shoulder. Прислонись к моему плечу. She carried […]...
12. Значение идиомы lady-killer [lady-killer] {n.}, {informal} 1. Any man who has strong sex appealtoward women. Joe is a regular lady-killer. 2. A man whorelentlessly pursues amorous conquests, is successful at it, and thenabandons his heartbroken victims. The legendary Don Juan of Spainis the most famous lady-killer of recorded history. Compare: LADY’SMAN....
13. A man goes to the doctor A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong […]...
14. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever […]...
15. Superglue I was once in a nice family-style restaurant when I observed some kids supergluing the dishes to the table. They also attached the silverware, napkins, salt, pepper, etc. If it wasn’t already nailed down, it was now. They stayed long enough to let the glue set, and then paid and left. They watched as the […]...
16. Two guys are out hunting deer Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?” The second guy says, “No.” “A bald eagle just flew over head.” “Oh.” A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?” “No.” “There was a black bear walking on that hill over there.” “Oh.” A few […]...
17. A young girl had not been feeling well A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
18. Eye sex A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
19. The meaning of life A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor. “No, I’ve never done any of those things either.” “Well […]...
20. Manly signs “Doctor, doctor!” shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. “I think I’m turning into a man” then the doctor says, ” Now hold on little lady what makes you think that you’re turning into a man?” ” Well” said the woman “I’m starting to grow hair on my chest” and then the doctor asked, […]...
21. Taking the final exam Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.” Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But […]...
22. An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination,” said the young girl. “Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.” “No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.” “Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick […]...
23. The Plumber has arrived A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s […]...
24. A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that […]...
25. Take in a boarder An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions. “Yes,” says the Doctor, “I would advise you to take in a boarder.” A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is […]...
26. The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on […]...
27. Значение идиомы cold shoulder [cold shoulder] {n.}, {informal} Unfriendly treatment of a person, a showing of dislike for a person or of looking down on a person. – Used in the cliches “give the cold shoulder” or “turn a cold shoulder to” or “get the cold shoulder”. When Bob asked Mary for a date she gave him the cold […]...
28. A construction worker goes to the doctor and says A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.” The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.” The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a […]...
29. Haircut before a trip A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. […]...
30. Значение идиомы lady’s man [lady’s man] {n.} A man or boy who likes to be with women or girlsvery much and is popular with them. Charlie is quite a lady’s mannow....
31. A little boy and his dad are standing in line A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, “hey dad, look how fat that lady is!” “Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.” “But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!” “Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!” […]...
32. In the back woods of Arkansas In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” […]...
33. Значение идиомы shoulder to shoulder [shoulder to shoulder] {adv. phr.} 1. One beside the other;together. The three boys were shoulder to shoulder all during theworking hours. Compare: SIDE BY SIDE. 2. Each helping the other; inagreement; together. – Often used with “stand”. We can win thefight if we all stand shoulder to shoulder. Compare: SEE EYE TO EYE....
34. A policeman was patrolling near midnight A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He […]...
35. Значение идиомы out of step [out of step] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. Not in step; not matchingstrides or keeping pace with another or others. George alwaysmarches out of step with the music. 2. Out of harmony; not keepingup. – Often followed by “with”. Just because you don’t smoke, itdoesn’t mean you are out of step with other boys and […]...
36. A rather senile old lady went to her doctor A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows: D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh? D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your […]...
37. The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry At the Post: They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. […]...
38. Значение идиомы step on it [step on it] or [step on the gas] {v. phr.} 1. To push down on thegas pedal to make a car go faster. Be very careful when you step onthe gas. Don’t go too fast. Compare: GIVE IT THE GUN. 2. {informal}To go faster; hurry. Step on it, or we’ll be late for school. John […]...
39. A man decided to have a face lift A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think […]...
40. The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.” The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the […]...