Could be here sooner

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1. It finally happenedA man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, «I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?» So Saint Peter thought about it a ... Читать далее...
2. Dealing with a lawyerA new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him «What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?» The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, «A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.» Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in ... Читать далее...
3. A HeroA large crowd had formed at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter came out with an announcement. «Because Heaven has become overcrowded, we can only let heroes in today. Is anyone here a hero?» One small man raised his hand. «I am,» he said. «What did you do that was heroic?» asked Saint Peter skeptically. ... Читать далее...
4. Marrying and divorcing in HeavenIt seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. ... Читать далее...
5. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accidentA lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. «Now, ... Читать далее...
6. Sister Margaret diedSister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, «This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!» She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. ... Читать далее...
7. Fidel dies and goes to heavenFidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself ... Читать далее...
8. Pick Heaven or HellOne day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. «Welcome to Heaven,» said St. Peter. «Before you get settled in though, it seems we have ... Читать далее...
9. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heavenWhen the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. «Sorry, old man,» Peter said, «But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.» «Oh, yes. I’ll never ... Читать далее...
10. Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. «Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?» «I was a policeman,» he responded. «What kind of policeman?» St Peter asked. «I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.» «Wonderful my son, ... Читать далее...
11. Christmas flavorThree men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas ... Читать далее...
12. An explorer goes into an undiscovered tombAn explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said «I want to know the person you ... Читать далее...
13. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly GatesRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
14. Qualifying for HeavenRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
15. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of HeavenSt. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, «You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.» Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, «St. Peter, I spent ... Читать далее...
16. A rancher from Central Arizona died and went onA rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, «Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona.» «The gatekeeper replied, «First of all, I’m not Saint Peter…and second, ... Читать далее...
17. A cattleman from West Texas diedA cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, «Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.» «The gatekeeper replied, «First of all, I’m not Saint Peter and ... Читать далее...
18. The ReverendFrancis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова poolPool — бассейн, озерцо, пруд Перевод слова Pool of blood — лужа крови depth of a pool — глубина бассейна outdoor swimming pool — открытый плавательный бассейн freshwater pool — озерцо с пресной водой Everyone jumped into the Pool. Все запрыгнули в бассейн. He shoved me into the Pool. Он столкнул меня в бассейн. The ... Читать далее...
20. Accountant in HeavenAn accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, «I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a ... Читать далее...
21. My Favourite Singer (Michael Jackson)My favourite singer is Michael Jackson. I like his songs very much because they are full of energy and very melodic. I also like the way he dances. There were nine children in Michael’s family. They lived in a small fourroom house. Later he lived in a house which has seventeen rooms downstairs and sixteen ... Читать далее...
22. New York JokesNew York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
23. Represent ChristmasThree men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he ... Читать далее...
24. A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heavenA pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He’s stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: «You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in ... Читать далее...
25. Three couples wanted to join a churchThree couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.» The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the ... Читать далее...
26. Entering Pearly GatesThree men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he ... Читать далее...
27. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heavenFour nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.» St. Peter says:»You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.» The second says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.» ... Читать далее...
28. Entering into HeavenA man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, «Religion?» The man says, «Methodist.» St. Peter looks down his list, and says, «Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.» Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. «Religion?» «Baptist.» «Go to room 18, but be very quiet ... Читать далее...
29. Three guys enter a disabled swimming contestThree guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and «splash» they’re all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is ... Читать далее...
30. Taking a Campus TourJi Won: Come on, Dad, the Campus tour starts over there. The Guide is ready to begin the Walking tour. Guide: Welcome, Prospective students and your parents. My name is Jaime and I’ll be conducting your tour today. This tour will last about an hour, and we’ll be making frequent Stops so I can Point ... Читать далее...
31. A young couple gets married, and the groomA young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000. She confronts ... Читать далее...
32. Перевод слова golfGolf — гольф Перевод слова Round of golf — партия гольфа golf match — матч по гольфу devotion to golf — увлечение гольфом He is off playing Golf. Он уехал играть в гольф. He’s a real Golf fiend. Он по настоящему страстный любитель гольфа. Geoff went off to play Golf. Джефф пошел играть в гольф. ... Читать далее...
33. A veterinarian surgeonA veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, ... Читать далее...
34. MusicianQ: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, «I can do that!» Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach ... Читать далее...
35. There were three men who were lost in the forestThere were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова tourTour — тур, поездка, экскурсия Перевод слова Tour guide — экскурсовод inspection tour — инспекционная поездка tour operator — тур-оператор to operate a tour — проводить экскурсию We’ll Tour the museum tomorrow. Завтра мы пойдем на экскурсию в музей. And then he Toured home. А затем он отправился домой. The idea was to Tour the ... Читать далее...
37. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
38. A great way to spend eternityA couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love. «How awful!» exclaimed the wife. «Si, but what a great way to ... Читать далее...
39. Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiotThree men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. «Gentlemen,» the Devil started, «Due to the fact that ... Читать далее...
40. Three girls died and were brought to the gatesThree girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, «Before entering you must answer this simple question.» «Which is…?», they replied in unison. «Have you been a good girl?», he asked the first girl. ... Читать далее...