Clean Jokes about the Irish

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1. Irish Pub Jokes Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, “Where are we now?” The guide said, “We’re in the great state of Texas.” “It’s a big place,” said Murphy. The […]...
2. Amusing Jokes about the Irish Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a […]...
3. Clean St. Patrick’s Day Jokes An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a […]...
4. Irish religion jokes Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!” “All right, my son,” admonished the priest. “For penance, finish off the stations!” Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, “Thank you, […]...
5. Jokes about the Fighting Irish Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?” It was general question time on the “Top […]...
6. I trying to prove a point A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you […]...
7. Little Johnny sat playing in the garden Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!” Trying to convince him further, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.” “No, she […]...
8. Clean Humor about the Irish It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: “Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, […]...
9. Irish Religion Humor Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” […]...
10. Irish marriage jokes Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, “If you continue drinking as you do, you’ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll turn into a mouse.” This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said […]...
11. A strange jigsaw puzzle Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. “Paddy,” says Murphy, “I’ve got a problem.” “What’s the matter?” replies Paddy “Oi’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.” “What’s the picture of?” asks Paddy “It’s of a big cockerel,” Murphy replies. Paddy says, “Alroight, […]...
12. Jokes about the Stupid Irish A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we’re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and […]...
13. Clean Jokes about Ireland An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be […]...
14. Funny Jokes about the Irish The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. “Name?” “Brendan O’Connor.” “Same as mine. Where are you from?” “County Cork.” “Same as me……” The policeman paused with his pen in the air. “Hold on a moment and I’ll come back and talk about the […]...
15. Short Irish Jokes Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic? A: It has a 12 month waiting list. Q: What’s long & green & has a low I. Q.? A: A St. Patrick’s Day Parade Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can’t you borrow […]...
16. Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no […]...
17. The work qualification test Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy […]...
18. Equally qualified Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went […]...
19. Amusing Humor about the Irish O’Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O’Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o’clock the doorbell rang. It was the next […]...
20. Humor about Irish Pubs (Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. “Jazus Mick…Well have to turn […]...
21. Значение идиомы can of worms [can of worms] {n.}, {slang}, {informal} 1. A complex problem, or complicated situation. Let’s not get into big city politics – that’s a different can of worms. 2. A very restless, jittery person. Joe can’t sit still for a minute – he is a can of worms....
22. More dorm jokes I can’t resist a few: 1. Once you have stolen a dormmate’s room keys, the room is yours to plunder. As a variation, steal the dorm keys but reverse the lock (so the keyhole faces INTO the room); we had a mechanical engineer who got this down to about 20 seconds. Then loudly announce to […]...
23. New York Jokes New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
24. Jokes about Dumb Irishmen The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. […]...
25. Atlanta Jokes Some quick thoughts… 1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of Downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. 2. All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree…” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House…” 3. Peachtree Street […]...
26. Fighting Irish Humor McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. “It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,” she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. “Miss,” he said, “I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get […]...
27. Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, […]...
28. An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can i help you sir?” Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.” “What is your current name?” asked the clerk. “Martin Arsehole,” replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said “I […]...
29. Перевод слова bite Bite – кусать Перевод слова To bite into an apple – откусить от яблока mosquito bite – комариный укус insects bite – насекомые кусают He was Bitten by a snake. Его укусила змея. The anchor Bit. Якорь прочно зацепился за дно. Does your dog Bite? Твоя собака кусается?...
30. Перевод слова cousin Cousin – кузен, двоюродный брат (сестра), родственник Перевод слова Second cousin – троюродный брат cater cousin – дальний родственник call cousin with – претендовать на родство с I love my Cousin cousinly, no more. Я люблю свою кузину по-родственному, не больше. The estate devolved on a distant Cousin. Имение перешло к дальнему родственнику. Her Cousin […]...
31. Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, “Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.” The Father said, “Tell me who […]...
32. There was this boy in high school that was what you would call There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said “Dad look what I made.” So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass […]...
33. Значение идиомы early bird catches the worm [early bird catches the worm] or [early bird gets the worm] Aperson who gets up early in the morning has the best chance ofsucceeding; if you arrive early or are quicker, you get ahead ofothers. – A proverb. When Billy’s father woke him up for school hesaid, “The early bird catches the worm.” Charles began […]...
34. Jokes about Ireland 2 Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Joey-Jim asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d […]...
35. Humor about the Stupid Irish Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When […]...
36. Neighborhood jokes 1) Got a neighbor that’s a real pain in the ass? Do they have a lawn? Do they have a garden that’s accessible? Yes to all the above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them water their lawn! Nuff […]...
37. Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair […]...
38. Значение идиомы heavy-handed [heavy-handed] {adj.} 1. Not skillful or graceful; clumsy. George is heavy-handed and seldom catches the ball. My sisterplays the piano badly; she is too heavy-handed. Tim told aheavy-handed joke about the principal’s baldness that embarrassedeveryone. 2. Likely to hit or punish hard; harsh or cruel in making obey. Years ago many fathers were heavy-handed bosses […]...
39. A man and his wife Florence Flask was… dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, “Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!” “Now, now, my dear,” replied her husband, “keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they’re mislead.” “No, I know they’re stolen,” cried Florence. “I remember putting them in my burette… We […]...
40. Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like. “Australia’s a great place!” Paddy replied. “First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can’t stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you […]...