Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years

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1. A stupid dog While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?” Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.” “Oh, come […]...
2. Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. “So, how’s life been for you?” Ed asked. “Not too good,” Ted replied. “My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for […]...
3. While in prison OJ had another prisoner join him in his cell While in prison O. J. had another prisoner join him in his cell. This person was 8′ tall and 670 lbs. of solid muscle. He asked O. J. if he wanted to be the husband or the wife. Now O. J. not being stupid started reasoning in his mind “OK if I say I’m going […]...
4. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
5. Prison vs a housewife In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow […]...
6. Перевод идиомы up in years / advanced in years / along in years / on in years, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: up in years / advanced in years / along in years / on in years Перевод: старый, пожилой Пример: Although our grandparents are up in years they still have much energy. Хоть наши дедушка и бабушка уже пожилые, они все еще полны энергии....
7. After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. “Don’t worry,” he said, “Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.” So he went home feeling […]...
8. A man escapes from prison A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of […]...
9. Following a bitter divorce Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The wife simply sighed and replied, “Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn’t really notice.”...
10. Understanding Drug Labels Bernie: Oh, I’m in so much pain! Where is the Medication we got from the Pharmacy? Gloria: It’s right here, but we need to read the Label first. Okay, these are the Active ingredients and they seem okay. This Warning says that we need To watch out for any Allergic reactions. It also says to […]...
11. Now he’s in trouble A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer?” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and […]...
12. Take her apart! A young boy asked his mother “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?” “Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother The young boy answered ” The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass […]...
13. Saving the situation After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What the hell happened?” “As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,” replied the wife. “Piss on him,” answered the husband. “You did,” said the wife, “and he fired […]...
14. Flies A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. “Oh. Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were […]...
15. Reward for goodness Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, […]...
16. Bum in need of food One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied. […]...
17. Early withdrawals The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, “It’s my turn.” “What do you mean, your turn?” yelled the husband. “In bed,” she explained, “you’ve been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it’s my turn.”...
18. The barber was finishing a haircut The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some ‘Aftershave Lotion’ around his ears when the customer yelled, “Don’t put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!” Another customer who was waiting replied, “Hey John, you can put the ‘Aftershave Lotion’ on […]...
19. What kind of a woman “Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?” asked John “Yes, I will.” Paula replied. “Would you do it for one thousand?” he asked. “Well maybe, or maybe I’d do something else for you.” she answered with a wink. “How about a blowjob for $20?” responded John. “Hey! What kind of women do you […]...
20. Taking Chances in Business I’ve always been a pretty Cautious investor. I like my investments to be Conservative and I usually invest only in Sure things. Recently, though, I’ve been Tempted to take more Risk. My friend, Bernie, is a very successful Fund manager and he is willing to let me Get in on one of his Schemes. According […]...
21. A talking bird One man wanted to make a special gift for his mother on the Mother’s day. He run out of ideas but then found a pet shop where was birds that could sing, talk and dance. The price was 5 thousand dollars, but he bought two of them and send to his mother as a surprise. […]...
22. A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife’s throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, “What the fuck are you doing?” “Just giving you an aspirin for your headache.” The bloke answered. “But I ain’t got a headache,” she yelled […]...
23. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a […]...
24. Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. “Let’s have a drink like we did in the old days,” the first Scot winked at his mate. “Aye,” his mate replied. “And don’t forget it’s your […]...
25. A present for the anniversary A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?” She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”...
26. A mother was teaching her three year old daughter A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…”And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, […]...
27. Remember a child A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my […]...
28. Перевод слова highway Highway – шоссе, магистраль Перевод слова Highway engineer – дорожный инженер express highway – скоростная трасса limited-access highway – дорога с ограниченным проездом Cars whooshed along the Highway. Автомобили мчались вдоль шоссе. Тhe Highway was lined with signboards Шоссе было размечено дорожными знаками. The great sea on the west is the natural Highway of commerce. […]...
29. The young wife was in tears when she opened the door The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.” “My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.” “I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where […]...
30. The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, “Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.” “Sorry John.” she replied. “I’m not ready to settle down yet. And besides, […]...
31. Before performing a baptism, the priest approached Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?” “I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.” “I don’t mean […]...
32. The definition of a phallic symbol This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says “you’re kidding..” Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???” Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is a failic symbol!” Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”...
33. Once some boys got together to play poker Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack. All his friends didn’t know how […]...
34. Need extra cash A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?” “Uhh, […]...
35. I just did all of that After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you […]...
36. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do […]...
37. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored […]...
38. After years of psychotherapy After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified. “Why are you so afraid, you’re not a grain of wheat after all,” his friend asked. John replied, “You know it and I know it, but […]...
39. For many years, the border between Poland and Russia For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his Wife, “Thank God! No more of those freezing Russian winters.”...
40. A couple have not been getting along for years A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” […]...