And Jesus said unto his disciples

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1. Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses “I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.” and Moses says “Yeah sure.” So Jesus gets up and says “I think I’ll walk on the water, that was always a good one.” So Jesus […]...
2. Значение идиомы Jesus boots [Jesus boots] or [Jesus shoes] {n.}, {slang} Men’s sandals, particularly as worn by hippies and very casually dressed people. Idig your Jesus boots, man, they look cool....
3. The Naming of Jesus A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that […]...
4. Перевод слова supreme Supreme – верховный, высший, предельный Перевод слова The supreme test – решающее испытание Supreme Court of Judicature – Верховный суд (Великобритании) Supreme Pontiff – папа римский Money reigns Supreme here. Здесь правят деньги. A Supreme Court judge was charged with taking bribes. Судье Верховного Суда было предъявлено обвинение в получении взятки. Jupiter is the Supreme […]...
5. Scientists Reveal What Jesus Looked Like And It’ll Surprise You It’s days like this when you realise just how amazing technology can be, as scientists reveal what they believe Jesus really looked like. People often imagine Jesus with long hair, a lengthy beard and bizarrely – despite being born in the middle east – with fair skin. Has nobody questioned that at all? Besides having […]...
6. Love Jesus By Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light […]...
7. How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father’s business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin....
8. Перевод слова authority Authority – власть, полномочия Перевод слова Supreme authority – верховная власть to act with the authority of the law – действовать на основании закона here is my authority – вот документ, подтверждающий мои полномочия These employees are under my Authority. Эти сотрудники находятся у меня в подчинении. Several countries claim Authority over the islands. Несколько […]...
9. Jesus has risen Easter is approaching. Father O’Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist – $ 300. “Too expensive” moans the priest. The protestant florist – $ 250, “No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small.” But lo! Solly Goldberg […]...
10. Перевод слова absolute Absolute – полный, абсолютный, безусловный Перевод слова Absolute certitude – абсолютная убежденность, уверенность absolute dictatorship – абсолютная диктатура absolute control – полный контроль She is talking Absolute pants. Она говорит абсолютную чепуху. I have Absolute confidence in her. Я полностью в ней уверен. There was a moment of Absolute stillness. На мгновение воцарилась полная тишина. […]...
11. Kick-ass sermon A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, […]...
12. Значение идиомы holier-than-thou [holier-than-thou] {adj.} Acting as if you are better than othersin goodness, character, or reverence for God; acting as if morallybetter than other people. Most people find holier-than-thou actionsin others hard to accept. After Mr. Howard stopped smoking, he hada holier-than-thou manner toward his friends who still smoked....
13. Перевод слова master Master – мастер; хозяин, господин Перевод слова Master of a shop – хозяин мастерской master and man – господин и слуга master of satire – мастер сатиры master of English – знаток английского языка He had learned to Master his fear of heights. Он научился контролировать свой страх высоты. He is a Master liar. Он […]...
14. A Burglar is in Big Trouble A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!” Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his […]...
15. ZHow offensive is that? How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. “Paul… Paul,” He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes […]...
16. A crowd had gathered around a whore and A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her. Jesus stepped in front of her and said: “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.” From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked […]...
17. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do […]...
18. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with “WWJD” printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for […]...
19. Christmas Cookie Ingredients 1 cup water 1 tsp. baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 cup brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups dried fruit 1 bottle Absolute vodka Sample the Absolute to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest […]...
20. The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper, “Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child. . . on his desk. . . in a jar.” Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled, “Goddamned if they don’t find out EVERY little thing about you!”...
21. The Zen Master is visiting New York City The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.” The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box […]...
22. Heavenly golf Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over […]...
23. A human’s Chalkboard Assignments This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting […]...
24. A robber was robbing a house A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “who’s there?” The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name,” the robber asked. “Cocodora” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of […]...
25. Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, “F. F.” His wife turned to him and answered, “E. F.” Out on the highway, he […]...
26. The new Ensign was assigned to subs The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ‘sir’, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number […]...
27. Значение идиомы master key [master key] {n. phr.} A key that opens a set of different locks. The building janitor has a master key to all of the apartments inthis building....
28. A Blind Mans Sport A Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump” “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go” “But how […]...
29. Значение идиомы answer one’s calling [answer one’s calling] {v. phr.} To fulfill one’s destiny in terms of work or profession by doing what one has a talent for. Don answered his calling when he became a chiropractor. Susy answered her calling when she became a violinist....
30. Got a second? God, I was wondering…how long is a million years to you?” God answered, “Son, a million years to me is like a second to you.” So the man asks, “God how much is a million dollars to you?” And God answered, “Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you.” So the […]...
31. A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. “So, did you […]...
32. Значение идиомы it’s a deal [it’s a deal] {informal sentence} Consider it done; OK; it isagreed. “How much for this used car?” Bill asked. “Two thousand,”the man answered. “I’ll give $1,500,” Bill said. “It’s a deal!” theowner answered as they sealed the transaction....
33. Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! […]...
34. A talking bird One man wanted to make a special gift for his mother on the Mother’s day. He run out of ideas but then found a pet shop where was birds that could sing, talk and dance. The price was 5 thousand dollars, but he bought two of them and send to his mother as a surprise. […]...
35. Once some boys got together to play poker Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack. All his friends didn’t know how […]...
36. Mary was having an affair during the day while Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!” Ralph looked […]...
37. Fulfilling a promise A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?” She […]...
38. A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?” “Ten,” she replied. “What are their names?” he asked. “LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered. “They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them […]...
39. Business is business A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the […]...
40. Значение идиомы master copy [master copy] {n.} 1. A perfect text to which all copies are madeto conform; a corrected version used as a standard by printers. Themaster copy must be right, because if it isn’t, the mistakes in itwill be repeated all through the edition. 2. A stencil from whichother copies are made. Mr. Brown told his secretary […]...