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1. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a barAn Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, «I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a ... Читать далее...
2. Humor about the IrishAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, ... Читать далее...
3. Clean Jokes about IrelandAn American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight — an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. «You see that, I reckon,» said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. «And now where would you be ... Читать далее...
4. Refrigerate elephantsAnalysis: 1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1. First factorize, second multiply. 2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra: 1. Step 1. Show that the ... Читать далее...
5. The customs of an IrishmanAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, «You know, a pint goes flat after ... Читать далее...
6. Irish mathThere’s these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what’s the matter. 1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is. 2nd Irishman: Oh, that’s easy, it’s 147. 1st Irishman: No no no, that ... Читать далее...
7. Traveling on the trainThere was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the ... Читать далее...
8. An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sittingAn Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says ‘Have you ever been kissed?’ No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a while the Scotchman approaches her and says ‘Have you ever been fondled?’. She says no ... Читать далее...
9. A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an AustralianA Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, «You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don’t even have a freezer! The Scotsman ... Читать далее...
10. 51 DAYS51 DAYS A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses ... Читать далее...
11. A man walked into the bar and there was a gorillaA man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool. The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the ... Читать далее...
12. A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of workA Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said «Let’s all go to O’Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.» The Italian said «That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini’s with ... Читать далее...
13. Too good to be trueA man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender «Do you serve lawyers here?» «Sure do,» replied the bartender. «Good,» said the customer, «Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.»...
14. Crocodile is longerProve that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let’s look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The ... Читать далее...
15. My girlfriend is out in the carA man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender ... Читать далее...
16. A man had been drinking at the bar for hoursA man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the ... Читать далее...
17. Jokes about St. Patricks Day 2McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. «S’cuse me,» said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. «What was that all ... Читать далее...
18. Nice, but roughAn elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. «Oh, thank you!» said the elephant. «My, pleasure ma’am.» said the ... Читать далее...
19. A bartender was getting ready to close for the nightA bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, «This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!» The scared bartender pleads, «Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!» The robber yells, «Shut ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова elephantElephant — слон Перевод слова Work elephant — рабочий слон he can’t hit an elephant — он и в слона-то не попадет an elephant in a china shop — неуклюжий и бестактный человек The passerby was trampled by an Elephant. Прохожего затоптал слон. They nearly equalled the Elephant in size. По размеру они почти сравнялись ... Читать далее...
21. The wife is not speaking to meOne night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. «What’s the matter?» the bartender asks. «My wife and I got into a fight,» explained the guy «and now she isn’t talking to me for a ... Читать далее...
22. A guy in a barThe bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You ... Читать далее...
23. I don’t owe anything for this drinkThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, «What’ll you have?» The guy answers, «A scotch, please.» The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars,» to which the guy replies, «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.» A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, ... Читать далее...
24. The story of a very short manA man walks into a bar and says, «Bartender, give me two shots.» Bartender says, «You want them both now or one at a time?» The guy says,» Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,» and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his ... Читать далее...
25. He is a very fast drinkerA man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, «What’ll it be buddy?» The man says, «Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.» The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод слова EnglishmanEnglishman — англичанин Перевод слова Great broad-shoulder’d genial Englishman — огромный, широкоплечий добродушный англичанин an englishman’s home is his castle — дом англичанина-это его замок I took him for an Englishman. Я принял его за англичанина. The Englishman looked sick and a bit dotty. У англичанина был болезненный вид, и казалось, он был немного не ... Читать далее...
27. How to Hunt Elephants — Math styleMathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students. Sent by Alex...
28. Leprechaun JokesThree guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. «I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total», says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, «I am a fisherman, my Dad’s ... Читать далее...
29. A blonde went to the appliance store saleA blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. «I would like to buy this TV,» she told the salesman. «Sorry we don’t sell to blondes,» he replied. She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, «I would like to buy this TV.» «Sorry we don’t sell ... Читать далее...
30. A fair warningTourist guide at zoo: «Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… ... Читать далее...
31. I bet I can bite both of my eyesA man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, «I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.» The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass ... Читать далее...
32. A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kiltA young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. «Reach up there and find out.» She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, «Oh, it’s gruesome!» «Aye, it has,» replied the Scotsman, «and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!»...
33. Free drinks for everyoneOne night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: «Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.» So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: «That will be $36.50 please.» The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next ... Читать далее...
34. Clean Humor about the IrishIt seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: «Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, ... Читать далее...
35. The three survivors of the shipwreckThe three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger. The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall. The Pole, the ship’s doctor, said that they could not possibly last that long, that there was only one solution ... Читать далее...
36. A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised whenA fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place. «Well,» said the demon, «the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes ... Читать далее...
37. There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtleThere once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when ... Читать далее...
38. Значение идиомы crocodile tears[crocodile tears] {n.} Pretended grief; a show of sorrow that is not really felt. When his rich uncle died, leaving him his money, John shed crocodile tears. ....
39. Elephants IXEvery nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book — The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant The English book — Elephants I have shot on Safari The Welsh book — The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant ... Читать далее...
40. You can’t bring that dog in this barA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says «You can’t bring that dog in here!» The guy, without missing a beat, says «This is my seeing-eye dog.» «Oh man, » the bartender says, «I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on ... Читать далее...