A small boy is sent to bed by his father

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1. Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up “Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!” “My boy, you’ve witnessed a miracle! What happened […]...
2. Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, “Who turned on the fucking lights!” “Oh, no sir,” the nearest flight attendant replied. “Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the ‘fucking […]...
3. You can’t bring that dog in this bar A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on […]...
4. A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he’ll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: “Go stand on the corner for […]...
5. Types of Non-alcoholic Drinks Asa: What can I get you to drink? Elizabeth: I’ll have a glass of water, thanks. Asa: Are you sure you don’t want something else? I have Soft drinks, Orange juice, Lemonade, and Fruit punch. Elizabeth: No, thanks. I’m trying to cut back on my Sugar intake. Asa: In that case, how about an Energy […]...
6. Значение идиомы fighting chance [fighting chance] {n. phr.} A chance that necessitates struggle andcourage; a slim chance. The doctor told the family that Jack had afighting chance to recover. Our business lost a lot of money, butwe have a fighting chance to stage a comeback....
7. The Cesium song 10 Cesium (All through the Night) (Tune, Fever) (1) Never know how much I need you, Never know how much I’d dare, When I mix you up with water, I get a heat that’s hard to bear. I need my Cesium! Burnin’ brightly, Cesium to give me light. Cesium – In the morning, Cesium all through […]...
8. Unable to attend the funeral after his father died Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.” Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring […]...
9. Is that your horse The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the […]...
10. Placing a Drink Order Server: Hello, I’m Allie and I’ll be your Server today. Here’s a menu. Can I take your Drink order? Joel: I’d like a glass of water with no ice. Server: Sure. Will that be Sparkling or Still? Joel: Uh, Tap. Server: Okay, one glass of tap water. Would you like anything else? We have Soda, […]...
11. Alter thanksgiving day 1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.” 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and […]...
12. Very dangerous mix This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and […]...
13. Water pollution Water pollution is one of the famous and one of the largest problems in our world. People in Africa cannot drink clean water; their children die because a big part of our water has been polluted. Children in Kenya often have to go many kilometers to collect drinking water. At all over 2 million people […]...
14. Repetitiveness After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride […]...
15. The fucking lights Tith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. “Who turned on the fucking lights?” a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. “These are the breakfast lights, sir,” she answered with forced sweetness. “The fucking […]...
16. A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation: Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water. Woman: Ok. Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water. Woman: Ok. Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with […]...
17. Drunk orders himself a beer A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could […]...
18. Putting the Children to Bed Andrea: It’s your Turn to put the kids to bed. Marlon: No, I put them to bed last night, didn’t I? Andrea: Nope, I did that. Don’t forget their Bedtime story. Marlon: The kids won’t let me forget it. Okay, time for bed! Go brush your teeth and put on your Pajamas. It’s Lights out […]...
19. A little delusion The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore […]...
20. The homework schedule Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend […]...
21. This man was having problems getting it up to have sex This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife’s pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his […]...
22. Перевод слова drink Drink – пить, напиток Перевод слова Long drink – стакан пива in drink – пьяный; в пьяном виде to drink air – жадно глотать воздух Oh for a Drink! Ах, как хочется пить! I need a Drink. Мне надо выпить. I owe you a Drink. Я должен тебе выпивку....
23. Перевод слова chance Chance – шанс, возможность, случайность Перевод слова By a lucky chance – по счастливой случайности blind chance – слепой случай even chance – равные шансы Chance led him to London. Случай привел его в Лондон. I bumped into her quite by Chance in Oxford Street. Я наткнулся на нее совершенно случайно в Оксфорд-Стрит. He snapped […]...
24. Like father like son Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on. He tells his mother “Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.” “Johnny you […]...
25. A nun arrives at the local bar John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John […]...
26. Critiquing Someone’s Work Noriko: Have you had a chance to look over Russ’s project? Walt: Yeah, I took a look at it yesterday. If you have a couple of minutes, I can Give you my two cents. Noriko: Sure. Shoot. Walt: Well, it’s not what I Envisioned when we gave him the Charge to come up with a […]...
27. Значение идиомы hold water [hold water] {v. phr.} 1. To keep water without leaking. Thatpail still holds water. 2. {informal} To prove true; stand testing;bear examination. – Usually used in negative, interrogative, orconditional sentences. Ernest told the police a story that wouldn’thold water....
28. A young man asks his father A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?” The father, surprised, answers: “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, […]...
29. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That, son, […]...
30. Her father was very angry when he heard that his Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. “For gods sake!” he screamed, “Someone could have attacked you and raped you!” “I wasn’t ever in no danger at all”, she said, trying to calm him down. […]...
31. Short Father Christmas What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues! Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck! What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow! What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? […]...
32. Suggesting a Nightcap Brittany: [Slurring her speech] I had a really nice time. Tri: I’m glad to hear it. It was nice of Marie To set us up. Brittany: Yeah, she told me that you would be my Soul mate, and she was right! You’re Dreamy… Tri: Uh…well, thanks. It was really nice meeting you, but I’d better […]...
33. There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn’t figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick […]...
34. Your father is drunk To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why, Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk. He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks, Daddy’s home and […]...
35. Father of my children A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled “Hello” to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him… and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from… so he says…”Sorry….do you […]...
36. A little boy walks up to his father and says A little boy walks up to his father and says, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” Father responds, “well son, before or after sex?” Son, “Well, before?” Father, “picture a tulip with all the petals son.” Son, “well what about after?” Father, “Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!”...
37. Значение идиомы water [water] See: BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, DEEP WATER, FISH OUT OF WATER, GO THROUGH HELL AND HIGH WATER, HEADABOVE WATER, HOLD WATER, HELL AND HIGH WATER, HOT WATER, LIKE WATER, LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK, MAKE ONE’S MOUTH WATER, OF THE FIRSTWATER, POUR OIL ON TROUBLED WATERS, THROW […]...
38. A young girl sees her father in the shower A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”...
39. Dinner prepared by kids A Thanksgiving Cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty’s Kindergarten Class NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette – Banana Pie You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell – Turkey You cut the […]...
40. The Cesium song 06 Why Don’t We Mix Up the Two (Tune, “Why don’t we get drunk…” with apologies to Jimmy Buffett) I’ve got a pound of Cesium, It’s burning gently near . The sky-blue flame looks lovely, But it’s noise I want to hear. So darlin’ bring some water, A couple pints’ll do. And why don’t we mix […]...