A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss

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1. Значение идиомы blow one’s brains out [blow one’s brains out] {v. phr.} 1. To shoot yourself in the head. Mr. Jones lost all his wealth, so he blew his brains out. 2. {slang} To work very hard; overwork yourself. The boys blew their brains out to get the stage ready for the play. Mary is not one to blow her brains […]...
2. The Naming of Jesus A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that […]...
3. Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses “I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.” and Moses says “Yeah sure.” So Jesus gets up and says “I think I’ll walk on the water, that was always a good one.” So Jesus […]...
4. Are YOU A HARD MAN? 1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you? A) Make low moaning sounds in her ear. b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite. c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off. 2/. You’re in bed one night and she whispers “I love you”. Do you? A) Whisper […]...
5. Love Jesus By Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light […]...
6. The three wise men are out for a stroll when The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. “Jesus Christ!” he says. Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a […]...
7. A man says to his wife A man says to his wife, “Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing.” Wife says, “I dont want to go.” Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se. Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, “It tastes like sh*t. Man says, […]...
8. The new hooker had just finished her first trick The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, “Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.” “Well? What did he want to do?” they all asked. She said, “I told him that a […]...
9. Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her […]...
10. A crowd had gathered around a whore and A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her. Jesus stepped in front of her and said: “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.” From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked […]...
11. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the […]...
12. A sailor and a marine are taking a piss A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The sailor says: yeah well, in […]...
13. Stupid people fearing WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind […]...
14. Taking Credit Jeff: You’re not going to believe what happened? Lucy: Oh, is the big meeting over? What happened? Jeff: Dan tried To take credit for Our idea for the new Campaign. Lucy: You’re kidding me! I thought he might try To pull something Like this, but I didn’t think he’d Have the nerve To do that. […]...
15. Kick-ass sermon A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, […]...
16. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do […]...
17. The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, “I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.” Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, “Jesus […]...
18. Business is business A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the […]...
19. A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.” “Oh Dear!” the […]...
20. A construction worker was whistling A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled “Well you’re an ugly bitch anyway!” The girl turned around and replied “It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won’t give you […]...
21. Значение идиомы beat one’s brains out [beat one’s brains out] or [beat one’s brains] {v. phr.}, {slang} To try very hard to understand or think out something difficult; tire yourself out by thinking. It was too hard for him and he beat his brains out trying to get the answer. Some students are lazy, but others beat their brains and succeed....
22. A dyslexic nurse Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!” The […]...
23. A small dissapointment Two GI’s in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit. “I can’t go in here” he says” It’s really going to stink” “There’s another trench over there” says the other. “I’ll cover you with the M60…. just give me a shout and and i’ll cover […]...
24. A Burglar is in Big Trouble A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!” Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his […]...
25. ZHow offensive is that? How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. “Paul… Paul,” He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes […]...
26. Bad luck finding a place to hide A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.” The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink […]...
27. A Flaky Friend Shawn: What’s the matter? You look like you’re about To blow your lid. Rick: Yeah, Let’s just say I’m not happy. Shawn: That’s Putting it lightly. What’s up? Rick: My friend Steve was supposed To come by Here after work to Give me a ride home. I Lent him my car so he could take […]...
28. A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and […]...
29. Scientists Reveal What Jesus Looked Like And It’ll Surprise You It’s days like this when you realise just how amazing technology can be, as scientists reveal what they believe Jesus really looked like. People often imagine Jesus with long hair, a lengthy beard and bizarrely – despite being born in the middle east – with fair skin. Has nobody questioned that at all? Besides having […]...
30. A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the […]...
31. Trying to Get Off the Phone Erin: So I told Joey that I had no Intention of letting him use my car again. Can you believe The nerve of that guy, after what he did? Curran: That’s terrible, but I’m going to have To let you go. I have an appointment… Erin: But I didn’t tell you what else he said. […]...
32. By definition A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.’s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say’s, “Why yes I am…you wanna wear my hat?” The boy nods and the […]...
33. Значение идиомы Jesus boots [Jesus boots] or [Jesus shoes] {n.}, {slang} Men’s sandals, particularly as worn by hippies and very casually dressed people. Idig your Jesus boots, man, they look cool....
34. You can come out now Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip […]...
35. Safe to appear Don was looking for a little “action.” He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip […]...
36. So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building and this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the white guy asks him, “How come you Mexicans don’t wash your hands after you pee?” And the Mexican guy replies, “Because we Mexicans don’t piss in our hands”...
37. A game of golf A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. […]...
38. A push A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to […]...
39. He is a very Smart Dog I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head […]...
40. Значение идиомы blow a fuse [blow a fuse] or [blow a gasket] or [blow one’s top] or [blow one’s stack] {v. phr.}, {slang} To become extremely angry; express rage in hot words. When Mr. McCarthy’s son got married against his wishes, he blew a fuse. When the umpire called Joe out at first, Joe blew his top and was sent […]...