A circumcision

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1. Stolen CarStolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, «Can I help you, sir?» «Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!» the man replies. The cop asks, «Where was your car the last time you saw it?» «It ... Читать далее...
2. A Practical JokeJoey: I’ve had it! I’m not going to Take it anymore. Rachel: What’s the matter? Joey: I’m sick and tired of Being the butt of Chandler’s Practical jokes. One of these days, he’s really going to get someone hurt. Rachel: Oh, no. What has he done now? Joey: I went back to my office after ... Читать далее...
3. Some very common traits in two drunksA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
4. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a barA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
5. The little boy comes home from school and asks momThe little boy comes home from school and asks mom, «Where do babies come from?» Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, «From the stork of course!» The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, «But mom, who fucks the stork?»...
6. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
7. A man is walking past this house when a used condomA man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock ... Читать далее...
8. A guy walks into a post officeA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
9. Sending out many cardsA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
10. A pregnant woman is about to give birthA pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, «Are you my dad?». The doctor says, «No, I am your doctor!». ... Читать далее...
11. Chaim escapes from a mental hospitalChaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» ... Читать далее...
12. Correcting and Explaining in ConversationDanny: You look like you need To relax. Sybil: Excuse me? Danny: What I mean is, you look like you could use some R and R. Sybil: I didn’t know I looked tired and Worn out. Danny: No, What I’m trying to say is, people need Leisure time once in a while. Sybil: Yes, that’s ... Читать далее...
13. Using Herbs and Spices in CookingGisela: That smells wonderful! Danny: This is my family’s Recipe. The secret is in the combination of Seasonings we use. Gisela: I can see that. You must have 30 different Dried and fresh Herbs and Spices on this counter. Danny: To get a Bold flavor, we use a lot of Aromatic seeds, Barks, and Roots. ... Читать далее...
14. Edward walks out of a barEdward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. «Can I help you, fella?», asks the cop. «Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!» Edward replies. The cop asks, «Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?». «It ... Читать далее...
15. Three couples wanted to join a churchThree couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.» The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the ... Читать далее...
16. A drunken blonde goes into a barA drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, «Gimme a beer.» The bartender then asks, «Anheuser-Busch?» To which she replies, «Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?»...
17. Little girl walks into the bathroomA little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks «What’s that?» Her sister replies «That is my possum, sis!» The young girl replies «Oh, OK» The next day she sees her mother get out of the ... Читать далее...
18. Amicable old lady«Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old ... Читать далее...
19. Jokes about Ireland 2Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Joey-Jim asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова awfulAwful — ужасный, отвратительный Перевод слова Awful manners — ужасные манеры awful tragedy — ужасная трагедия awful truth — страшная правда My old boss was Awful! Мой прежний босс был ужасен! That joke is just Awful. Эта шутка — просто ужас. I’m Awful sorry. Я ужасно извиняюсь....
21. A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breastsA man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, «What are you doing?» She replies, «I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.» The husband retorts, «Well, what did he say about your 50 year ... Читать далее...
22. Using Hair Products and AccessoriesDanny: You’re going to the Prom. How exciting! How should we Style you hair? Clarissa: I’m really not sure. I was hoping you would have some ideas. Danny: I do, but first we need to see if we have the right tools. Let’s look in your bathroom. Here’s some Shampoo and Conditioner, but where are ... Читать далее...
23. Over the counterA middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, «Do you sell Viagra here?» The pharmacist answers ... Читать далее...
24. A young teenager comes home from schoolA young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, «Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?» «Yes, dear,» replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it. «But then when ... Читать далее...
25. Перевод идиомы in two shakes / in two shakes of a lamb’s tail / in a couple of shakes, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: in two shakes / in two shakes of a lamb’s tail / in a couple of shakes Перевод: очень скоро, в один миг Пример: We’ll get there in two shakes. Мы очень скоро туда придем. She’ll get her job done in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Она закончит свою работу в один миг....
26. Investigating a Terrible AccidentThere was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, ... Читать далее...
27. A Drunk ScottsmanThere was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. ... Читать далее...
28. A kind of sportA guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, «What the hell was that?» He replies, «Touchdown, I am ... Читать далее...
29. Following a High-Profile Court CaseDanny: Have you been following the Schirru case? Carol: Yeah, I have. I think he’s Guilty. Danny: You’re kidding, right? He’s Innocent and this is a Show trial. The District attorney is conducting a Witch-hunt for his own Political Ambitions. Carol: No, he’s not. It is a High-profile case, but that’s only because he wants ... Читать далее...
30. A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet themA girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. «What’s your name?» she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers «My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.» She goes up to the second dog and asks «What’s your name?» The ... Читать далее...
31. Willy’s rolling down the hall of a retirement homeWilly’s rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he’s driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing. Willy replies, «I’m going to Chicago for the weekend.» The orderly chuckles and enters Bob’s room to check on him. He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he ... Читать далее...
32. Dealing with Time Changes in SchedulingDanny: Don’t bother looking for next year’s meeting Calendar. I’m still working on it. Tessa: What’s taking so long? Danny: This is my first time scheduling all of the major meetings for this company and I’m getting Thrown off by all of the things I have to Keep in mind. For instance, our Bylaws say ... Читать далее...
33. A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks herA guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, «how much?» she replies, «$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up.» He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, «it’s my hairdresser’s fee!»...
34. A man decided to have a face liftA man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, «I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think ... Читать далее...
35. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one dayFather, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, «Mummy, what is that long thing?» His mother replies, «That, son, ... Читать далее...
36. Johnny missed his final exam due to the fluJohnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he’d done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he’d missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test. First ... Читать далее...
37. Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and stillSadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, «Mama! I ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова agedAged — пожилой, старый, престарелый Перевод слова Middle-aged man — человек среднего возраста aged population — престарелые a boy aged fifteen — мальчик пятнадцати лет A woman Aged 50 has given birth to twins. Женщина в возрасте 50 лет родила двойню. His hair whitened as he Aged. Его волосы побелели, как он постарел. There is ... Читать далее...
39. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
40. A clear moralOne day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, «Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive ... Читать далее...