A cattleman from West Texas died

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1. A rancher from Central Arizona died and went onA rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, «Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona.» «The gatekeeper replied, «First of all, I’m not Saint Peter…and second, ... Читать далее...
2. Sister Margaret diedSister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, «This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!» She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. ... Читать далее...
3. It finally happenedA man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, «I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?» So Saint Peter thought about it a ... Читать далее...
4. Three girls died and were brought to the gatesThree girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, «Before entering you must answer this simple question.» «Which is…?», they replied in unison. «Have you been a good girl?», he asked the first girl. ... Читать далее...
5. ‘Texas’ is slang for’crazy’ in NorwayY’all already all know that Texas is known for its slang. The state is home to a slew of Southern colloquialisms as well as totally unique sayings you won’t hear anywhere else. But did you know that the word «Texas» is in itself a slang word? According to Texas Monthly, Norwegians have long used the ... Читать далее...
6. Dealing with a lawyerA new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him «What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?» The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, «A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.» Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in ... Читать далее...
7. Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly GatesClinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. «Who goes there?» inquired St. Peter. «‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.» «And what do you want?» asked St. Peter. «Lemme in!» replied Clinton. «Soooo,» pondered Peter. «What bad things did you do on earth?» Clinton thought a bit and ... Читать далее...
8. Back in the good ole days in TexasBack in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing ... Читать далее...
9. This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hookerThis guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, «Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.» «Sure,» he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, «Is ... Читать далее...
10. Перевод слова westWest — запад, к западу, на запад Перевод слова Geographic west — географический запад to travel west — ехать на запад west of Moscow — к западу от Москвы The route lay to the West. Дорога простиралась на запад. The route then heads West over Gerrick Moor. Затем маршрут вел на запад через Gerrick Moor. ... Читать далее...
11. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heavenWhen the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. «Sorry, old man,» Peter said, «But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.» «Oh, yes. I’ll never ... Читать далее...
12. A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seatedA girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: «So, where y’all from?» The New York girl said, «From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.» The ... Читать далее...
13. A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trapSorry Texans…. A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap. «How do you know it’s one of our coyotes?» asked the Oklahoma game warden. «Well,» replied the Texas ... Читать далее...
14. Ne day, this man, Tony, diedOne day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could ... Читать далее...
15. The essential differenceOne day the zoo-keeper noticed that «Cheech» the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, «Why are you reading both those books»? «Well,» said the orang-utang, «I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.»...
16. Перевод слова keeperKeeper — хранитель, смотритель, вратарь Перевод слова Keeper of manuscripts — хранитель рукописей lighthouse-keeper — смотритель маяка jail keeper — начальник тюрьмы Hold on to that boyfriend of yours — he’s a Keeper! Держись за своего парня покрепче: таких надо беречь! (разг. a keeper — то, что надо беречь и ценить) Am I my brother’s ... Читать далее...
17. Two guys are driving through Texas whenTwo guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, «Why’d you do that? The trooper says, «You’re in ... Читать далее...
18. A HeroA large crowd had formed at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter came out with an announcement. «Because Heaven has become overcrowded, we can only let heroes in today. Is anyone here a hero?» One small man raised his hand. «I am,» he said. «What did you do that was heroic?» asked Saint Peter skeptically. ... Читать далее...
19. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly GatesRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
20. Qualifying for HeavenRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
21. At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching hisAt a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: «Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?» One young woman’s answer: «Because they won’t ... Читать далее...
22. Could be here soonerAn elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. «Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.» «Heck, ... Читать далее...
23. A man was driving through West VirginiaA man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to. He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, «I’m moving here from the city, what do you guys do around here?» The men answered, «Go hunt’n, kill things, ‘n screw». He then asked, «What do you hunt and kill?» ... Читать далее...
24. Texas — Штат ТехасTexas is the 28th American state, which is situated in the south of the country and could be denoted as the southeast continental part of the USA. Texas has border with other USA states: Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Louisiana. The State is washed by the Gulf of Mexico. Certainly, this state has its nickname: ... Читать далее...
25. Пословица / поговорка East or West home is best — перевод и значение, пример использованияПословица / поговорка: East or West home is best Перевод: в гостях хорошо, а дома лучше Пример: During the last couple of years we’ve been to many place around the world, but I’ve come to know one thing: East or West home is best. В течение последней пары лет мы много где в мире побывали, ... Читать далее...
26. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
27. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
28. Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. «Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?» «I was a policeman,» he responded. «What kind of policeman?» St Peter asked. «I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.» «Wonderful my son, ... Читать далее...
29. MusicianQ: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, «I can do that!» Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach ... Читать далее...
30. Перевод слова bareBare — голый, нагой, необутый, скудный Перевод слова To bare one’s fangs — показать клыки bare hands — голые руки to lay bare — вскрывать, обнажать The dog Bared its teeth. Собака оскалила зубы. He Bared his back to the hot sun. Он обнажил спину жаркому солнцу. The room was cold and completely Bare. Комната ... Читать далее...
31. The way he diedA person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. ... Читать далее...
32. There is a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the MeadowlandsThere’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on ... Читать далее...
33. Help the lonely childSandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all ... Читать далее...
34. A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselorA blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was ... Читать далее...
35. A lawyer named Strange diedA lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, «Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.» The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: ... Читать далее...
36. Unable to attend the funeral after his father diedUnable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, «Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.» Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring ... Читать далее...
37. Camel DiedCamel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and ... Читать далее...
38. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. PeterLady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: «Oh dear, what happened to you?» Di answers: «I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse». Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: «My God, you look terrible.» Dodi ... Читать далее...
39. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accidentA lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. «Now, ... Читать далее...
40. Перевод слова gateGate — ворота Перевод слова Town gates — городские ворота to go through the gate — проходить в ворота to wait at the gate — ждать у ворот Gate five is now open for flight 509 to London, flight 509 to London now boarding at Gate five. Производится посадка на самолет, следующий рейсом 509 в ... Читать далее...