A cattleman from West Texas died

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1. A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona.” “The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter…and second, […]...
2. Sister Margaret died Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. […]...
3. Three girls died and were brought to the gates Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.” “Which is…?”, they replied in unison. “Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl. […]...
4. Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.” “And what do you want?” asked St. Peter. “Lemme in!” replied Clinton. “Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and […]...
5. A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: “So, where y’all from?” The New York girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.” The […]...
6. ‘Texas’ is slang for’crazy’ in Norway Y’all already all know that Texas is known for its slang. The state is home to a slew of Southern colloquialisms as well as totally unique sayings you won’t hear anywhere else. But did you know that the word “Texas” is in itself a slang word? According to Texas Monthly, Norwegians have long used the […]...
7. Back in the good ole days in Texas Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing […]...
8. It finally happened A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?” So Saint Peter thought about it a […]...
9. A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap Sorry Texans…. A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap. “How do you know it’s one of our coyotes?” asked the Oklahoma game warden. “Well,” replied the Texas […]...
10. This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, “Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.” “Sure,” he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, “Is […]...
11. Перевод слова west West – запад, к западу, на запад Перевод слова Geographic west – географический запад to travel west – ехать на запад west of Moscow – к западу от Москвы The route lay to the West. Дорога простиралась на запад. The route then heads West over Gerrick Moor. Затем маршрут вел на запад через Gerrick Moor. […]...
12. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.” “Oh, yes. I’ll never […]...
13. Dealing with a lawyer A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in […]...
14. A man was driving through West Virginia A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to. He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, “I’m moving here from the city, what do you guys do around here?” The men answered, “Go hunt’n, kill things, ‘n screw”. He then asked, “What do you hunt and kill?” […]...
15. The essential difference One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading two books – the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”...
16. Перевод слова keeper Keeper – хранитель, смотритель, вратарь Перевод слова Keeper of manuscripts – хранитель рукописей lighthouse-keeper – смотритель маяка jail keeper – начальник тюрьмы Hold on to that boyfriend of yours – he’s a Keeper! Держись за своего парня покрепче: таких надо беречь! (разг. a keeper – то, что надо беречь и ценить) Am I my brother’s […]...
17. Two guys are driving through Texas when Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that? The trooper says, “You’re in […]...
18. A Hero A large crowd had formed at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter came out with an announcement. “Because Heaven has become overcrowded, we can only let heroes in today. Is anyone here a hero?” One small man raised his hand. “I am,” he said. “What did you do that was heroic?” asked Saint Peter skeptically. […]...
19. At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: “Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?” One young woman’s answer: “Because they won’t […]...
20. Could be here sooner An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, […]...
21. Пословица / поговорка East or West home is best – перевод и значение, пример использования Пословица / поговорка: East or West home is best Перевод: в гостях хорошо, а дома лучше Пример: During the last couple of years we’ve been to many place around the world, but I’ve come to know one thing: East or West home is best. В течение последней пары лет мы много где в мире побывали, […]...
22. Texas – Штат Техас Texas is the 28th American state, which is situated in the south of the country and could be denoted as the southeast continental part of the USA. Texas has border with other USA states: Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Louisiana. The State is washed by the Gulf of Mexico. Certainly, this state has its nickname: […]...
23. Policemen in Heaven St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.” “Wonderful my son, […]...
24. Перевод слова bare Bare – голый, нагой, необутый, скудный Перевод слова To bare one’s fangs – показать клыки bare hands – голые руки to lay bare – вскрывать, обнажать The dog Bared its teeth. Собака оскалила зубы. He Bared his back to the hot sun. Он обнажил спину жаркому солнцу. The room was cold and completely Bare. Комната […]...
25. Ne day, this man, Tony, died One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could […]...
26. The way he died A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. […]...
27. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […]...
28. Qualifying for Heaven Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […]...
29. Back in the turn of the century in a mining town Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to […]...
30. There is a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands There’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on […]...
31. A golfer hit his drive on the first hole A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back […]...
32. Little Mermaid Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?” She replied, “no sir!” So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, “Did you like that?” “Oh, indeed I did, […]...
33. The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, […]...
34. Beware of dog! Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” “Yep, that’s him,” […]...
35. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. “Now, […]...
36. Перевод слова gate Gate – ворота Перевод слова Town gates – городские ворота to go through the gate – проходить в ворота to wait at the gate – ждать у ворот Gate five is now open for flight 509 to London, flight 509 to London now boarding at Gate five. Производится посадка на самолет, следующий рейсом 509 в […]...
37. Clean Jokes about Ireland An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be […]...
38. Happens For all of you out there who’ve had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It’s a classic! In tribute to those ‘special’ customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with […]...
39. Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, “Put this in and […]...
40. St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day An Australian joke… St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo’s stroll up. “Your names aren’t on today’s list… let me go and ask the Boss” he says. In God’s office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo’s, and God tells Peter to go and […]...