A businessman boards a flight

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1. The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. “Buffalo come,” remarked Tonto. “How can you tell, Tonto?” asked the Lone Ranger. “Face sticky.”...
2. Hiring an accountant Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?” “Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to […]...
3. The definition of a phallic symbol This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says “you’re kidding..” Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???” Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is a failic symbol!” Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”...
4. Перевод слова diameter Diameter – диаметр Перевод слова Diameter of a conic – диаметр конического сечения tolerance for diameter – допуск по диаметру external diameter – внешний диаметр Draw a circle 10cm in Diameter. Нарисуйте круг 10см в диаметре. What is the Diameter of the tree trunk? Каков диаметр ствола дерева? The dotted line indicates the Diameter of […]...
5. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there are hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of […]...
6. Перевод слова statistics Statistics – статистика Перевод слова Legal statistics – судебная статистика population statistics – статистика народонаселения comparative statistics – сравнительная статистика expert in statistics – специалист по статистике Can we trust these Statistics? Можем ли мы доверять этой статистике? He peppered the report with Statistics. Его доклад изобиловал статистическими данными. He has some acquaintance with Statistics. […]...
7. An elderly couple in a senior home An elderly couple in a senior’s home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys’s penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. “What’s she got that I […]...
8. Is that your horse The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the […]...
9. Перевод слова polish Polish – блеск, полировать, шлифовать Перевод слова To polish one’s nails – полировать ногти metal takes polish – металл приобретает блеск stone takes a polish – камень полируется to polish out scratches – затирать царапины I need more shoe Polish. Мне нужно больше лака для обуви. Polish up the silver ready for the important dinner. […]...
10. Your hair smells nice A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, “What’s wrong with the coworker […]...
11. Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she’d had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. “Well, what happened when you got there?” Jill asked “The bastard called me a slut!” Mary said. “And what did you do then?” Jill asked, shocked. “I told him to get the […]...
12. Camel Died Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and […]...
13. I got a great Polish joke A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Polish Joke…” The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: “Before you go telling that joke you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of […]...
14. Alcohol vs Women A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked the other. The first guy replies, “Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”...
15. Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away […]...
16. A substitute for women A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked his friend. The first guy replies, “Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”...
17. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That, son, […]...
18. Air Canada flight finds stranded Australian yacht They were ready to land in Australia, at the end of a 14-hour international flight, when the 270 passengers of an Air Canada flight were suddenly thrown into a high-seas search-and-rescue operation. Flight AC033 diverted after pilot Andrew Robertson got a call from the Australian Maritime Safety Authority on Tuesday to help search for a […]...
19. A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said, “How’s your spirit of adventure?” “What do you mean?” “Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores […]...
20. This businessman was walking down the sidewalk This businessman was walking down the sidewalk when a jet black van stopped by him. The guys pulled the man inside, stripped him of all his clothes till he was butt naked, threw him back outside, and then slammed the door shut taking off. Five miles later the men look outside and see the businessman […]...
21. Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People’s Choice […]...
22. Перевод слова average Average – средний, обыкновенный Перевод слова Average temperature – средняя температура average reader – рядовой читатель daily average – среднесуточный average earnings – средняя прибыль In an Average week I drive about 250 miles. В среднем в неделю я проезжаю около 250 миль. She was an Average student. Она была средним студентом. Last winter was […]...
23. How long? This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue. The lawyer asked, “How long are you having a sexual relationship?” “Years, I tell you years” she replied. ” Thats no answer, you have to specify how long has he intimated with you.” “I don’t know exactly, its average, about six inches”...
24. Значение идиомы on an average [on an average] or [on the average] {adv. phr.} In most cases;usually. On an average Dan’s mother has to ask him three timesbefore he helps with the dishes. On the average, Mr. Blank tradesin his car for a new one every three years....
25. A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed. “No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner […]...
26. Значение идиомы College Boards [College Boards] {n.} A set of examinations given to test a student’s readiness and ability for college. John got a high score on his College Boards. College Boards test both what a student has learned and his ability to learn....
27. Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. “Shit,” said the driver to his passenger. “What kind […]...
28. Another ethnic joke A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, “What a Pollack.” The Polish man said, “I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.” […]...
29. CHECK THE BUFFETT! In a Texas bar, The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars. So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them “whip ’em out”.Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar. Fred ask the man […]...
30. Soft and Hard A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, […]...
31. Problems during flight The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight […]...
32. Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. “Superman don’t need no seat belt,” Ali growled. “Well, Superman,” the stewardess replied, “don’t need no airplane!”...
33. An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. “It did? I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied. Two days later, Mr. […]...
34. These two guys are car pooling home from work one day These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn. “Look”, he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?” The […]...
35. President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip – a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute. “I’d salute […]...
36. Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.” His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, […]...
37. Johnny Depp: Why I Travel With My Captain Jack Sparrow Costume We’ve heard about Johnny Depp visiting children’s hospitals dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, but who knew he actually has the Pirates of the Caribbean costume with him at all times? “Sometimes you go to kiddie hospitals and things like that,” the actor explained while promoting his latest flick, The Lone Ranger. “I’ll just sneak in […]...
38. Reducing travel risk There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over […]...
39. I Want to be a Businessman – Я хочу быть бизнесменом My father is working for an international company as a managing director. I have been several times at his office. I like it very much to be there. My father is very busy. He often comes late from work. But I can see that he likes his job. And he always finds the time to […]...
40. Like father like son Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on. He tells his mother “Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.” “Johnny you […]...