Three couples wanted to join a church

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1. A man was leaving church one dayA man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, «You need to join the Army of the Lord!» The man replied, «I’m ... Читать далее...
2. On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the doorOn his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. «Would it be right,» he asked, «for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?» «Absolutely not!» replied the pastor. «In that case,» said the young man, «I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid ... Читать далее...
3. One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little JohnnyOne Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said ... Читать далее...
4. A little nine year old girl was in church with her motherA little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. «Mommy,» she said. «Can we leave now?» «No,» her mother replied. «Well, I think I have to throw up!» «Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.» ... Читать далее...
5. After church on Sunday morning, a young boyAfter church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, «Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up. «That’s okay with us,» the mother said, «But what made you decide to be a minister?» «Well,» the boy replied, «I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, ... Читать далее...
6. On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their dailyOn the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other — a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and ... Читать далее...
7. 4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun ... Читать далее...
8. People of Different AgesGloria: I’m surprised at the variety of people on this tour. Andy: Oh, yeah? I hadn’t noticed. Gloria: Well, we’ll be spending the next two weeks with these people so I thought I’d get to know some of them. Andy: That’s nice. Gloria: Did you see that thirty-something couple with a Toddler and an Infant? ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова churchChurch — церковь Перевод слова To consecrate a church — освящать церковь to go into the church — принимать духовный сан as poor as a church mouse — бедный, как церковная мышь The Church burnt to the ground. Церковь сгорела дотла. It sounds like the Church bells. Похоже на перезвон колоколов. The Church is seeking ... Читать далее...
10. Two couples decide to spend the weekend away togetherTwo couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, «Wow! This is the very best sex I had in ... Читать далее...
11. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogueA priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out ... Читать далее...
12. Over the counterA middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, «Do you sell Viagra here?» The pharmacist answers ... Читать далее...
13. Two senior couples are walking along, wives in frontTwo senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, «Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.» Sam says, «Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?» Herb says, «You’ll going to ... Читать далее...
14. Amusing Jokes about the IrishMrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a ... Читать далее...
15. Guy goes to hell and is met by the devilGuy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room ... Читать далее...
16. After a couple of years a couple wanted to have childrenAfter a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. «Don’t worry,» he said, «Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.» So he went home feeling ... Читать далее...
17. StrategyThe middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, «In the past 3 weeks you’ve ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод слова agedAged — пожилой, старый, престарелый Перевод слова Middle-aged man — человек среднего возраста aged population — престарелые a boy aged fifteen — мальчик пятнадцати лет A woman Aged 50 has given birth to twins. Женщина в возрасте 50 лет родила двойню. His hair whitened as he Aged. Его волосы побелели, как он постарел. There is ... Читать далее...
19. A little girl was playing up a tree near a churchA little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and ... Читать далее...
20. A guy walks into a post officeA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
21. An elderly patient needed a heart transplantAn elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, «We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd ... Читать далее...
22. Sending out many cardsA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
23. A veterinarian surgeonA veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, ... Читать далее...
24. Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandyKnowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration — that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. «Gladly,» responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder ... Читать далее...
25. A pastor in Maine skipped services one SundayA pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting. Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and ... Читать далее...
26. An elderly man goes into a brothelAn elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. «I’m 90 years old,» he says. «90!» replies the woman. «Don’t you realize you’ve had it?» «Oh, sorry,» says the old man, ... Читать далее...
27. A Change Of VowsDuring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. «Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d ... Читать далее...
28. Перевод слова middleMiddle — середина Перевод слова In the middle of — посреди, посередине middle-aged man — человек среднего возраста the middle orders — средние слои общества I’m in the Middle of writing a letter. Я как раз сейчас пишу письмо. He was standing in the Middle of the room. Он стоял посреди комнаты. You must steer ... Читать далее...
29. The ReverendFrancis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, ... Читать далее...
30. Some horse-playThe newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal. «No,» he said, «I don’t believe I’ll need it. I’ll just grab onto her ears and hold on ... Читать далее...
31. A man is walking past this house when a used condomA man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock ... Читать далее...
32. An old man goes to a church, and is making a confessionAn old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a ... Читать далее...
33. John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counselingJohn and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, «See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!» John replies, «Well, that’s fine, Pastor. But I can’t bring ... Читать далее...
34. Man Hospitalized After Shooting 3 Men Who Broke Into His Home, Wanted To Rape His GranddaughterA grandfather from Lumberton, North Carolina, proved himself a force to be reckoned with after he found himself face to face with three armed men who broke into his home Monday night and allegedly attempted to rape his 19-year-old granddaughter. Kenneth Byrd, 67, and his wife were reportedly at home at around 10 p. m. ... Читать далее...
35. An elderly couple, still very loving after all these yearsAn elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again — the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live ... Читать далее...
36. Several weeks after a young man had been hiredSeveral weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. «What is the meaning of this?» the director asked. «When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.» «Well,» the young man ... Читать далее...
37. A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform beganA few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, «Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what’s going on in Rome?» «No,» said Mrs Finkelstein. «I haven’t. What’s going on in Rome?» «A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other ... Читать далее...
38. A policeman was patrolling near midnightA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He ... Читать далее...
39. Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country clubMoshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their «standards.» So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the ... Читать далее...
40. A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a babyA young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat ... Читать далее...