This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above
“You will live to be 100.”
She looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again she heard “You will live to be 100.”
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I’ve got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon’s office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God “You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?”.
God said: “I didn’t recognize you”.
(1 оценок, среднее: 5.00 из 5)Related topics:
- A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile […]...
- An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. “If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.” The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an […]...
- A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three […]...
- An old woman came into her doctors office An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?” “Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three […]...
- Appearance: Parts of the Face – Внешность People who can’t hear often learn to understand a spoken language with their eyes. They watch the mouth of the person talking and follow the movement of his lips. This is called lip-reading. Some people think the distance between your hair and your eyebrows is a sign of how you are intelligent. The bigger your […]...
- Baseball in Heaven Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come […]...
- Getting Plastic Surgery George: What are you doing? Joan: I’m looking through these magazines to try and decide which Plastic surgery procedures I should have next year. George: You’re not thinking of Going under the knife. Joan: Yes, I am. I’ve always wanted to improve on the way I look, and I’m tired of these Wrinkles and Sagging […]...
- A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.” Confounded at the woman’s thrift, […]...
- 12 Year Old Boy Collects 160,000 Plastic Bottles After School To Raise Money For Orphans Orphans, whose parents died of AIDS, play a game at the Zhonghua Red Ribbon Home, an orphanage Sun Huixi collected bottles to help build. Despite the fact this heart-warming act took place a few years ago now, the then 12 year-old schoolboy Sun Huixi didn’t receive the recognition he deserved, so we want to highlight […]...
- A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the […]...
- A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it […]...
- The ages of man God created the mule, and told him, ‘you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: ‘To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more […]...
- One night, an 87-year-old woman One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to […]...
- Irish Religion Humor Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” […]...
- Who keeps saying those things A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard […]...
- The Seven-year Itch Sunny: Did you hear the news? Nancy and Brian are Splitting up. Igor: How long have they been married? Sunny: Eight years. I’m sure it was the Seven-year itch. I bet Brian was Unfaithful to Nancy. Igor: How do you know? Maybe it was Nancy who had a Wandering eye. Sunny: Maybe, but It’s a […]...
- Ne day, this man, Tony, died One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could […]...
- They are stopped by the police John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just […]...
- Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, “I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!” “Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.” “I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?!?” “Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear […]...
- Перевод слова plastic Plastic – пластичный, податливый; пластик, пластмасса Перевод слова Plastic material – пластичный материал plastic nature – податливая натура plastic mind – гибкий, восприимчивый ум Plastic bottles do not biodegrade. Пластиковые бутылки не разлагаются. I hate that Plastic smile of hers. Я ненавижу эту ее пластмассовую улыбку. There never was a man under whose hands language […]...
- The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. […]...
- Penguin Swims 8,000KM Every Year To See The Man Who Saved His Life “Everyone said he wouldn’t return but he has been coming back to visit me for the past four years” It’s illegal for you to keep wild animals as pets in Brazil. But despite what the law may say, Dindim comes to live with his best friend, whom he met on the beaches of Brazil, every […]...
- A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”. 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, […]...
- Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff […]...
- This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. “Oh, no! I […]...
- Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. “You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie, still crying, said “What would God want with a dead dog?”...
- It finally happened A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?” So Saint Peter thought about it a […]...
- A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?” “Ten,” she replied. “What are their names?” he asked. “LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered. “They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them […]...
- A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. “What’s this,” […]...
- I was walking down an alley last night I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, “Help! Help!” coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn’t let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t […]...
- Перевод слова year Year – год; возраст, годы Перевод слова Fiscal year – бюджетный год calendar year – календарный год to die full of years – умереть в расцвете лет he is twenty years old – ему двадцать лет He looks young for his Years. Он молодо выглядит для своих лет. It’s Years since we last met. Мы […]...
- The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.” “And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,” […]...
- I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at […]...
- One day there were these three boys walking down One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: ‘HELP! HELP!’ When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. […]...
- One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a […]...
- Christmas flavor Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas […]...
- A woman visits her physician A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: “Well, what can I do for you madam?”. The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: “You can discuss any matter with […]...
- A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, […]...
- Перевод слова heaven Heaven – небеса, небо; царство небесное, рай Перевод слова The broad expanse of heaven – широкий свод небес a map of the heavens – карта звездного неба the kingdom of heaven – царство небесное The windows of Heaven opened. Разверзлись хляби небесные. Earth’s loveliness or Heaven’s sublimity. Красота земли или величавость небес. I would move […]...
- Collection 02 Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how […]...