These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for

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1. ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95 ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95 Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That’s great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That’s terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don’t know what any […]...
2. Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. “Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.” “No,” she cries, “It’s too far.” “I play football, I can catch him.” The […]...
3. Перевод слова coin Coin – монета Перевод слова A coin is tossed – жребий брошен to change a coin – разменивать монету dud coin – фальшивая монета He’s Coining money. Он деньги лопатой гребет. A new Coin was issued. Была пущена в обращение новая монета. This Coin is a counterfeit. Эта монета фальшивая....
4. Making Changes to a Hotel Reservation Reservation agent: Hello, Milton Hotel Reservations. How may I assist you? Sally: Hi, I’m calling to make some changes to an Existing reservation. Reservation agent: Certainly. Do you have the Reservation number? Sally: Sure, it’s 234678. Reservation agent: That’s a reservation for Sally Menkel. Is that right? Sally: Yes, that’s right. I’d like to change […]...
5. At the Doctors At the Doctor’s… – A young woman said to her doctor, “You have to help me, I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” said the doctor. – The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” – Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That […]...
6. Значение идиомы pay one back in his own coin [pay one back in his own coin] {v. phr.} To retaliate. Jimrefused to help Bob when he needed it most, so Bob decided to pay himback in his own coin and told him to go and look for help elsewhere....
7. How to Hunt Elephants – Comp Sci Style Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West. 4. During each traverse a. Catch each animal seen b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c. Stop when a […]...
8. A state trooper pulled a car over A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. “I was only going 40!” the driver protested. “Not according to my radar,” the trooper said. “Yes, I was!” the man shouted back. “No you weren’t!” the trooper said. With that, the […]...
9. A man goes to the doctor A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong […]...
10. Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff […]...
11. Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked […]...
12. THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN “Members of Congress…People of America….I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention. The only babes in D. C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, […]...
13. Значение идиомы he-man [he-man] {n.}, {informal} A man who is very strong, brave, andhealthy. Larry was a real he-man when he returned from service withthe Marines....
14. A young Indian boy came back to the reservation A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I’m having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd […]...
15. A lusty camel A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he […]...
16. Значение идиомы keep on [keep on] {v.} 1. To go ahead; not stop; continue. The neighborsasked them to stop making noise, but they kept right on. Columbuskept on until he saw land. – Often used before a present participle. Relentlessly, the boy kept on asking about the birds and the bees. The boy kept on talking even though the […]...
17. PUPPY LOVE A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.” The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being […]...
18. One day a lady went to the doctors office One day a lady went to the doctor’s office and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t interested in her any more he just wouldn’t have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that “if you give your […]...
19. Some people are sitting in a bar Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.” Another guy says, “What’s that?” The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.” Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, “What’s that?” […]...
20. Finding the right answers Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn’t ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn’t answer the question and that he shouldn’t […]...
21. A man escapes from prison A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of […]...
22. Значение идиомы flip one’s lid [flip one’s lid] also [flip one’s wig] {slang} 1. To lose one’stemper. When that pushy salesman came back Mom really flipped herlid. Compare: BLOW A FUSE. 2. To lose your mind; become insane. When he offered me three times the pay I was getting, I thought hehad flipped his lid. 3. To become unreasonably enthusiastic. […]...
23. A regular Friday night poker game A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. “Roger, listen,” he told the host, “Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.” “OK, that’s it, guys,” Roger said. “This is positively the last deal.”...
24. Checking into a Hotel I Flew into Atlanta the afternoon before a Big meeting. I Hailed a taxi at the airport and told the driver the name of the hotel. I asked him How long it would take to get there. He said it would only be 20 minutes. I sat back and relaxed. We got to the hotel […]...
25. Значение идиомы lay off [lay off] {v. phr.} 1. To mark out the boundaries or limits. Helaid off a baseball diamond on the vacant lot. Compare: LAY OUT.2. To put out of work. The company lost the contract for making theshoes and laid off half its workers. 3. {slang} To stop bothering;leave alone. – Usually used in the imperative. […]...
26. MY TWO DELICATE OPERATIONS Humor story by Larry Graves Website: http://www. gravetimes. com MY TWO “DELICATE” OPERATIONS A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of Months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I Believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead… No man Alive has ever looked forward […]...
27. A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front […]...
28. Neighborhood jokes 1) Got a neighbor that’s a real pain in the ass? Do they have a lawn? Do they have a garden that’s accessible? Yes to all the above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them water their lawn! Nuff […]...
29. Making a Restaurant Reservation Hostess: Thank you for calling Sakia Restaurant. How may I help you? Randy: I’d like to make a Reservation. Hostess: For which day and for what time? Randy: It’s for Friday, the 24th, at 7 o’clock. Hostess: How many will be in the party? Randy: There will be seven of us. Hostess: And the name […]...
30. Значение идиомы jack-rabbit start [jack-rabbit start] {n.}, {informal} A very sudden start from astill position; a very fast start from a stop. Bob made ajack-rabbit start when the traffic light turned green....
31. The right rhythm On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her […]...
32. A man goes to a psychiatrist A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. “A man and a woman making love in a park,” the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the […]...
33. A midget walks into the doctors and says A midget walks into the doctors and says, “Doc, I’ve got these fucking itchy balls and I can’t do anything to stop ’em itching”. The Doc says, “I can see the problem and I’ll fix it for ya” So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. […]...
34. A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. “My life is a mess, doctor,” she began, “I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?” “Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start […]...
35. Sneaky, sneaky Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband’s insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night – only to find a cucumber in his hand. “Is THIS”, she asked, pointing to the vegetable, “what you’ve been using on me for […]...
36. A state-of-the-art watch A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just […]...
37. There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked “Could I have a fucket please?” The assistant asked”Pardon sir?”. “Can I have a fucket please?” Replied the man. […]...
38. Million-dollar bill user pleads ignorance, blames Treasury A woman who tried to use a fake $1 million bill to buy $1,675 worth of merchandise at Wal-Mart said it was all just a misunderstanding – she thought the bill was real. The United States Treasury does not make $1 million bills. “You can’t keep up with the U. S. Treasury,” said Alice Pike, […]...
39. Значение идиомы red cent [red cent] {n. phr.} The one-cent coin; a copper coin; very littlemoney. Poor Oscar is so broke he doesn’t have a red cent to hisname....
40. Перевод слова strong Strong – сильный, крепкий, твердый Перевод слова Strong will – сильная воля strong constitution – крепкое здоровье strong denial – решительный отказ He’s as Strong as an ox. Он силен, как бык. He was a big Strong man. Он был большим и сильным человеком. Tact isn’t my Strong point. Тактичность не является моей отличительной чертой. […]...