Take her apart!

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1. Anybody Home?A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, «Hello?» Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, «Is ... Читать далее...
2. Little Lucy was playing in the garden when sheLittle Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. «Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?» «They’re mating, Lucy» he replied. «What do you call the spider on top Daddy?» Lucy asked. «Oh, that’s a Daddy Longlegs. Lucy asked, «Oh, so one’s a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a ... Читать далее...
3. Значение идиомы stuff and nonsense[stuff and nonsense] {n.} Foolish or empty writing or talk;nonsense. Fred told a long story about his adventures in Africa, but it was all stuff and nonsense. Often used as an interjection. When Jane said she was too sick to go to school, her mother answered,»Stuff and nonsense! I know there’s a test today.»...
4. Finding the right answersDid you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn’t ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn’t answer the question and that he shouldn’t ... Читать далее...
5. Remember a childA young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. «Pardon me,» she said, «I’m sorry if my ... Читать далее...
6. A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is bakingA young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says «Look Momma, I’m a white boy.» His mother slaps him hard On the face and says «Boy, go show your Daddy.» The ... Читать далее...
7. Everything we needA young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, «oh miss, oh ... Читать далее...
8. A policeman was patrolling near midnightA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He ... Читать далее...
9. Annoying phone callsThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking ... Читать далее...
10. Перевод слова nonsenseNonsense — абсурд, глупости, чушь Перевод слова Nonsense! — вздор!, пустяки! to talk nonsense — говорить чепуху, городить вздор to cut the nonsense — пресекать вздор Her plan is rank Nonsense. Ее план — полная чушь. Stow that Nonsense! Брось эти глупости! You’re to stop that Nonsense, do you hear me? Прекрати нести эту чушь, ... Читать далее...
11. A girl called the police department and reported thatA girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, «When did this happen?» She replied, «Last week.» The police then asked, «Why did you wait until now to report it?» Well,» she said. «I didn’t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.»...
12. Значение идиомы baloney[baloney] {n.}, {informal} Nonsense, unbelievable, trite, or trivial. John brags that he’s won the $10 million lottery, and I think it’s just a lot of baloney. «Will you marry Joe?» mother asked. «Baloney,» Susie answered with a disgusted look. Do you still believe all that baloney about socialism excluding free enterprise? Look at China and ... Читать далее...
13. A talking birdOne man wanted to make a special gift for his mother on the Mother’s day. He run out of ideas but then found a pet shop where was birds that could sing, talk and dance. The price was 5 thousand dollars, but he bought two of them and send to his mother as a surprise. ... Читать далее...
14. Going crazy with confusionA psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, «How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?» He got the following reply. «Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then ... Читать далее...
15. A man went to the doctor for a check upA man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor ... Читать далее...
16. Pecuniary reasonsA few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, «Does this fellow have any money?» The daughter shook her head sadly. «Oh Daddy! You men are all alike.» sighing deeply, she replied, «That’s exactly what he asked me about you.»...
17. A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aidA woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, «How many children do you have?» «Ten,» she replied. «What are their names?» he asked. «LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,» she answered. «They’re all named LeRoy?» he asked «What if you want them ... Читать далее...
18. Bad Bernie was in prison for seven yearsBad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, «F. F.» His wife turned to him and answered, «E. F.» Out on the highway, he ... Читать далее...
19. England JokesQ: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
20. Impressing the othersA young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan. He’d been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend ... Читать далее...
21. Mysterious pictureAfter a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. «Is that your husband?» he inquired nervously. «No, silly,» she replied, snuggling up to him. «Your boyfriend then?» ... Читать далее...
22. Phone keeps ringingThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Phone Won’t Stop Ringing? Here’s What You Do Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock ... Читать далее...
23. A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar intoA blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you’d expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too! After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back ... Читать далее...
24. Daddy is going to warThe following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war. During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. «No, ... Читать далее...
25. A gent spots a nice looking gal in a barA gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. «Carmen,» she replied. «That’s a nice name,» he said warming up the conversation, «Who named you, your mother?» «No, I named myself, she answered. «Oh, that’s interesting, why Carmen?» ... Читать далее...
26. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
27. The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermonThe minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone ... Читать далее...
28. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the marketThere was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a ... Читать далее...
29. FliesA woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. «What are you doing?» She asked. «Hunting Flies» He responded. «Oh. Killing any?» She asked. «Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,» he replied. Intrigued, she asked. «How can you tell?» He responded, «3 were on a beer can, 2 were ... Читать далее...
30. The first clientA young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,» I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able ... Читать далее...
31. A blonde with two red ears went to her doctorA blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, «I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang — but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.» «Oh Dear!» the ... Читать далее...
32. It was the age when knighthood was in flowerIt was the age when knighthood was in flower. A young lady was pounding away at a piece of iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady saw her and asked, «What are you doing?» The first one answered, «I’m making socks and sweater for some soldier boy!»...
33. One summer evening during a violent thunderstormOne summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, «Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?» The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. «I can’t dear,» she said. «I ... Читать далее...
34. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughterOne day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, «I did that by accident.» She replied, «I know that, daddy.» He replied, «How’d you know?» The girl said, «Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!»...
35. Your father is drunkTo The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why, Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk. He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks, Daddy’s home and ... Читать далее...
36. One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little JohnnyOne Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said ... Читать далее...
37. A veterinarian surgeonA veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, ... Читать далее...
38. A little nine year old girl was in church with her motherA little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. «Mommy,» she said. «Can we leave now?» «No,» her mother replied. «Well, I think I have to throw up!» «Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.» ... Читать далее...
39. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
40. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one askedDown in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, «Do you ever get to feeling horny?» «Yes,» her friend replied. «What do you do about it?» «I usually suck on a Lifesaver.» After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, «Well, what beach do you go to?»...