Remember a child

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1. I was shopping at our local supermarketI was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, «Paper or plastic?» «It doesn’t matter,» she replied, «I’m bisacksual.»...
2. There is a child molester and a young boy walking throughThere is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, «Mister i’m scared and cold, please let me go»,the child molester cries out, «You think your scared I have to walk home alone!»...
3. Help the lonely childSandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all ... Читать далее...
4. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nailsTo stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. «I won’t do it any more, Mom,» says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. «If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?» ... Читать далее...
5. A young lady walks into a doctors officeA young lady walks into a doctors office. «Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge» The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says «how does that feel?» Young lady, «Oooh doctor that feels lovely….. …but the discharge is from my ear!!»...
6. Sweet, Sweet Road RageAn elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, «I was going to park there!» The ... Читать далее...
7. Adopting a ChildScott: Hi, I thought I’d stop by to pick up those chairs I wanted to borrow. Roberta: Oh, sure. Here they are. Scott: What are you doing? Roberta: I’m looking through the material we got on Adoption. Scott: Are you and Robert thinking about adopting a child? Roberta: Yeah, we are. We’ve been thinking about ... Читать далее...
8. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretaryMr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, «Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.» He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was ... Читать далее...
9. A man decided to have a face liftA man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, «I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think ... Читать далее...
10. A cure for atheismA young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. «Marry him anyway, dear.» the Mother said. «Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how *wrong* he is.»...
11. Naming your childThere was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was ... Читать далее...
12. A horrible tragedyA man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, «You look terrible. What’s the problem?» «My mother died in June,» he said, «and left me $10,000.» «Gee, that’s tough,» he replied. «Then in July,» the friend continued, «My father died leaving me $50,000.» «Wow. Two ... Читать далее...
13. I didn’t get any money this timeA man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, «You look terrible. What’s the problem?» «My mother died in August,» he said, «and left me $25,000.» «Gee, that’s tough,» he replied. «Then in September,» the friend continued, «My father died, leaving me $90,000.» «Wow. Two ... Читать далее...
14. George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminalGeorge W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, «Aren’t you Moses?» But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. ... Читать далее...
15. Passing a parrotA lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, «Hey lady, you are really ugly.» Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same ... Читать далее...
16. Two blondes were walking down the streetTwo blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, «Hmmm, this person looks familiar.» «Let me look.» said the other one. So she handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror ... Читать далее...
17. It was the age when knighthood was in flowerIt was the age when knighthood was in flower. A young lady was pounding away at a piece of iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady saw her and asked, «What are you doing?» The first one answered, «I’m making socks and sweater for some soldier boy!»...
18. Stupid people fearingWANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind ... Читать далее...
19. The young couple was engaged in a most affectionateThe young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. «Heavens,» she cried, «it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.» The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова ladyLady — леди, женщина Перевод слова Great lady — знатная дама you’ve dropped your gloves, lady! — женщина, вы обронили перчатки! foxy lady — соблазнительная женщина your good lady — ваша супруга Shall we rejoin the Ladies? Не вернуться ли нам к дамам? She’s swell, a real Lady. Она одевается стильно, как настоящая леди. Don’t ... Читать далее...
21. Man walks into a supermarket and buysMan walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner The girl at the checkout looks at him and says «Single are you?» The man replies very sarcastically «How did you ... Читать далее...
22. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
23. A work of artA tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. «What on earth,» she inquired of the artist standing nearby, «is that?» He smiled condescendingly. «That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.» ... Читать далее...
24. Перевод слова supermarketSupermarket — супермаркет Перевод слова To shop at a supermarket — делать покупки в супермаркете cashier in a supermarket — кассир в супермаркете supermarket trolley — тележка в супермаркете He clerks in a Supermarket. Он работает продавцом в супермаркете. At lunchtime, I popped to the Supermarket to stock up on vital provisions. В обеденный перерыв ... Читать далее...
25. Значение идиомы burnt child dreads the fire[burnt child dreads the fire] or [once bitten, twice shy] A person who has suffered from doing something has learned to avoid doing it again. — A proverb. Once Mary had got lost when her mother took her downtown. But a burnt child dreads the fire, so now Mary stays close to her mother when ... Читать далее...
26. Card gamesA cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, «Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about ... Читать далее...
27. Значение идиомы pick-me-up[pick-me-up] {n. phr.} Something you take when you feel tired orweak. John stopped at a drugstore for a pick-me-up after workingthree hours overtime. Mary always carried a bar of chocolate inher pocketbook for a pick-me-up....
28. I was walking down an alley last nightI was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, «Help! Help!» coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn’t let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t ... Читать далее...
29. The young lady admired the watch in the store windowThe young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, «Just how much is that watch?» «It’s $2000, ma’am.» «Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?» «Just what sort of ‘time schedule’ did you have in mind?» «I ... Читать далее...
30. A policeman was patrolling near midnightA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He ... Читать далее...
31. Remember during warsThings to Remember During a War 1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. ... Читать далее...
32. A little boy and his dad are standing in lineA little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, «hey dad, look how fat that lady is!» «Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.» «But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!» «Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!» ... Читать далее...
33. A little old lady gets onto a crowded busA little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, «If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.» The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. ... Читать далее...
34. A blonde bought two horses, and could never rememberA blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our friend was stuck ... Читать далее...
35. Communication problemThere was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. ... Читать далее...
36. Take her apart!A young boy asked his mother «Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?» «Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?» replied by his mother The young boy answered » The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass ... Читать далее...
37. A clever court caseOne evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, «I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with her.» To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning ... Читать далее...
38. A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugsA woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and ... Читать далее...
39. A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first dayA young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, «Your first job will be to sweep out the store.» «But I’m a college graduate.» the young man replied indignantly. «Oh, I’m sorry. I ... Читать далее...
40. The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infantThe young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. «Doctor,» she explained, «the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.» The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on ... Читать далее...