Proffessional Acquantance

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1. A young girl had not been feeling well A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
2. Eye sex A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
3. A young lady walks into a doctors office A young lady walks into a doctors office. “Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge” The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says “how does that feel?” Young lady, “Oooh doctor that feels lovely….. …but the discharge is from my ear!!”...
4. A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front […]...
5. A policeman was patrolling near midnight A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He […]...
6. A dubious remedy A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store […]...
7. An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination,” said the young girl. “Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.” “No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.” “Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick […]...
8. The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on […]...
9. A serious condition A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said […]...
10. Eat oysters A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. “What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor. “Oysters,” she said. “Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor. “How should I know?” said the lady “Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the shells?” “My Gosh,” gasped the […]...
11. After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. “Don’t worry,” he said, “Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.” So he went home feeling […]...
12. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
13. The wife of an older man is distraught The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “listen, I don’t do this for […]...
14. Sweet, Sweet Road Rage An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The […]...
15. A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, “You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!” Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, […]...
16. Naming the kids One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing […]...
17. One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on. She said “you don’t have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too […]...
18. Marriage quotes 05 Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. – Catch-22 Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Don’t marry for money; […]...
19. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the […]...
20. A folk remedy A man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she […]...
21. A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat […]...
22. The young wife was in tears when she opened the door The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.” “My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.” “I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where […]...
23. A work of art A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” […]...
24. A man says to his wife A man says to his wife, “Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing.” Wife says, “I dont want to go.” Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se. Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, “It tastes like sh*t. Man says, […]...
25. A young mother paying a visit to a doctor A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.” “No,” said the doctor calmly, […]...
26. Перевод слова pause Pause – пауза, делать паузу Перевод слова After a cogitative pause – после раздумья to pause for lunch – делать перерыв на обед pause command – команда приостановки There was a dead Pause. Наступило гробовое молчание. Press the Pause button. Нажмите на паузу. We Paused briefly to look at the scenery. Мы ненадолго задержалась, чтобы […]...
27. Some problems A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says: “I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.” “What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I’ll love it. It’s my child and I’ll love it […]...
28. Значение идиомы give pause [give pause] {v. phr.} To cause you to stop and think; make youdoubt or worry. The heavy monthly payments gave Mr. Smith pause inhis plans to buy a new car. The bad weather gave Miss Carter pauseabout driving to New York City....
29. A young lady had just visited her doctor A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The […]...
30. Перевод слова missing Missing – отсутствующий, недостающий Перевод слова Missing link – недостающее звено missing person – без вести пропавший missing data – недостающие данные to declare missing – объявить безвестно отсутствующим There is a page Missing. Здесь недостает страницы. A button was Missing from his shirt. На его рубашке не хватало одной пуговицы. She’s upset about Missing […]...
31. A young punk gets on the cross-town bus A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multicoloured hair that’s green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits […]...
32. Appearance: Legs and Feet – Внешность: ноги и ступни At the hospital, Bill took off his sock and pulled his trouser leg up over his knee onto his thigh. The doctor looked down at the injured foot, which was already getting bigger and changing colour. “Hm. Nasty accident,” he said. “What happened?” “A skier smashed into my foot,” explained Bill. “Oh, dear. Very nasty. […]...
33. It was the age when knighthood was in flower It was the age when knighthood was in flower. A young lady was pounding away at a piece of iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady saw her and asked, “What are you doing?” The first one answered, “I’m making socks and sweater for some soldier boy!”...
34. The young immigrant couple had just left the The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. “It is wonderful,” the husband exclaimed. “We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?” “Yes, you male chauvinist pig,” his wife replied. “Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on […]...
35. A cure for atheism A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. “Marry him anyway, dear.” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how *wrong* he is.”...
36. A man comes to a doctor and A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” “Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You […]...
37. The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.” The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the […]...
38. Doctor’s compliment A lady came to see a doctor because of sharp pain in her stomack. After examining his patient doctor gave out the diagnosis: – Madam, you have acute appendicitis. – Thank you, Doctor, but I came to be treated not admired....
39. Missing person Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is […]...
40. A husband and wife are on a nudist beach A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the […]...