One neighbor says to the other

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1. Love thy NeighborThe middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had ... Читать далее...
2. A Suspicious NeighborPatricia: What do you think of our new neighbor? Ray: I don’t know. I haven’t met him yet. Patricia: Me neither, but I think he’s a Shady character. Ray: Why do you think that? Patricia: Well, when he was moving in, I tried To shoot the breeze with him and he was Shifty. When I ... Читать далее...
3. One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighborOne afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you look so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me…six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I’m going to have to ... Читать далее...
4. Meeting a New NeighborNancy: Hello there! Hello! Eric: Hello. Nancy: I’m Nancy, your Neighbor across the street. You’re new to the neighborhood. Eric: Yes, I just moved in last weekend. Nancy: That’s nice. How are you Settling in? Eric: Fine, thanks. Nancy: Would you like to come over and have a cup of coffee? I can give you ... Читать далее...
5. Bank TellerBank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, «I want to open a fucking checking account». «Please sir», she replies, «we can’t have language like that in here.» «Why the Fuck not?» he asked. «Sir,» Came her retort, «I must ask you to refrain from swearing.» «I ... Читать далее...
6. Punishment that fits the crimeThree dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks «why are you here?» The schnauzer responds, «I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been ... Читать далее...
7. An old retired man goes to his wife one dayAn old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, «I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.» The wife says, «No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.» Husband replies, «Our savings are all gone and you ... Читать далее...
8. A man gets home early from workA man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. «What’s up?» he says. «I’m having a heart attack,» cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, ... Читать далее...
9. Значение идиомы go hang[go hang] {v. phr.}, {slang} 1. To stop being of interest orimportance; be forgotten. — Usually used with «let». Mr. Johnsonlet his business go hang after his wife died. 2. To leave you alone;not bother. When the neighbor told Father how to manage hischildren, Father told him to go hang. Compare: TELL WHERE TO GET ... Читать далее...
10. The complaint letter from JudiThe complaint letter from Judi: We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this ... Читать далее...
11. Working Without SupervisionVeronica: Where’s Stan? Kyle: He’s not here. Veronica: When will he be back? Kyle: I’m not sure. He hasn’t been here for a couple of days. Veronica: A couple of days?! He’s supposed to be here Overseeing the Day-to-day operations. You’re his Second-in-command. Where is he? Kyle: I honestly don’t know. He’s been MIA since ... Читать далее...
12. Simplifying InformationTara: How is your presentation Coming along? Stan: It’s okay, but I’m having trouble Simplifying some of the Key concepts without Dumbing them down too much. Tara: I think your Instincts are right. You’ll be presenting to Non-specialists, so it’s important to keep your presentation clear and simple. Stan: That’s my problem. How do I ... Читать далее...
13. An infamous stud with a long list of conquestsAn infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. «I’m scared out of my mind,» the stud replied. «Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop ... Читать далее...
14. Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroomLittle Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little ... Читать далее...
15. Missing personRecently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, «He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is ... Читать далее...
16. Reading Comic BooksLee: What are you reading? Stan: It’s a Graphic novel. Lee: Graphic novel? You mean a Comic book? I thought you were too old for that sort of thing. Stan: For your information, this is a graphic novel and it’s a Literary art form. Graphic novels are written for Mature audiences, not kids. Lee: Really? ... Читать далее...
17. A Family Road TripOur family decided to take a Road trip across the country this year. The kids were really excited and my oldest son wanted to help Navigate. Before the trip, we looked at the Road maps and decided on our Route and the Points of interest we would try to see. Since we wouldn’t be taking ... Читать далее...
18. SCHEDULE OF A MANA MAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because «alarm didn’t work». 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while «enjoying» favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at ... Читать далее...
19. Dealing With Corrupt OfficialsVera: I can’t believe that Stan has been Arrested. I know that he wasn’t always On the up-and-up, but he’s being Accused of influence peddling and taking Bribes. Keigo: Stan has been getting Kickbacks for years. Everybody knew that if you wanted to get what you wanted from this department, you had To grease Stan’s ... Читать далее...
20. A midget walks into the doctors and saysA midget walks into the doctors and says, «Doc, I’ve got these fucking itchy balls and I can’t do anything to stop ’em itching». The Doc says, «I can see the problem and I’ll fix it for ya» So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. ... Читать далее...
21. A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranchA guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, «If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he’s the one who shot it. Otherwise, he’ll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it.» The guy goes ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова tripTrip — поездка, путешествие, экскурсия Перевод слова Pleasure trip — увеселительная поездка business trip — деловая поездка, командировка to arrange a trip — организовать поездку He Trips every weekend. Он устраивает экскурсии каждые выходные. We decided to delay the Trip. Мы решили отложить поездку. Our Trip was smooth and uneventful. Наша поездка прошла гладко, без ... Читать далее...
23. A wish for ChristmasIt is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and ... Читать далее...
24. Three college roommates — two females and a maleThree college roommates — two females and a male — began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes. «All right,» one of the girls said, «the first one to speak has to do them.» The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school ... Читать далее...
25. Two car salesmen were sitting at the barTwo car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, «Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking arse.» Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. «That’s okay,» the blonde replied, «If ... Читать далее...
26. Where are my pyjamas?A man calls his wife and says to her, «Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?» «Sure, honey,» his wife answers.»Oh, and could you please pack my ... Читать далее...
27. Sharing an ApartmentI’ve shared a two-bedroom, two-Bath apartment with my Roommate for two years. He was moving to Austin and I Posted a «Roommate wanted» Ad in the local newspaper. I got a few calls, a couple from some very Weird people. Finally, I got a call from Andrew. He seemed normal On the phone and we ... Читать далее...
28. NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGEIt has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings ... Читать далее...
29. Business trip — КомандировкаBusiness trips are just part of doing business. A company tries to choose only its best people to represent it. Trips can happen in or out of the country. And there are as many reasons to go on a business as there are places to go: to sign contracts, to discuss terms of delivery, payment ... Читать далее...
30. A life-long city man, tired of the rat raceA life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a ... Читать далее...
31. A business man from New York decided to quit his jobA business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I ... Читать далее...
32. For their 25th wedding anniversaryFor their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, «This was the most wonderful gift I could have ... Читать далее...
33. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
34. President Clinton, returning from a campaign stopPresident Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip — a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute. «I’d salute ... Читать далее...
35. The guide to wife translationsThe wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need ... Читать далее...
36. Giving Cats PillsINSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill ... Читать далее...
37. A wild partySam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace ... Читать далее...
38. David Copperfield is doing his magic show andDavid Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick. «I will», replies a guy in the audience, «but I’m going to need your wife Claudia and a table.» «Ok», says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down ... Читать далее...
39. Olympic condomsA man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s just made. «Olympic condoms?» she blurts, «What makes them so special?» «There are three colors,» he explains, «gold, silver and bronze.» «So what color ... Читать далее...
40. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretaryMr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, «Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.» He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was ... Читать далее...