Mixed football jokes
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
“Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!”
“The cups man! Save the cups!” cries George.
“Uh, the fire hasn’t spread to the canteen yet, sir.”
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it’s like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
“I’ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said “we don’t just need points now, we need snookers!”
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
(1 оценок, среднее: 5.00 из 5)Related topics:
- Jokes about St. Patrick’s Day Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that” It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride […]...
- Значение идиомы fire [fire] See: BALL OF FIRE, BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEAor BETWEEN TWO FIRES, BUILD A FIRE UNDER, BURNT CHILD DREADS THE FIRE, CATCH FIRE, DRAW FIRE, FAT’S IN THE FIRE, FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE, HANGFIRE, HEAP COALS OF FIRE ON ONE’S HEAD, HOLD ONE’S FIRE or HOLD FIRE, IRON IN THE FIRE, […]...
- Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. “Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.” “No,” she cries, “It’s too far.” “I play football, I can catch him.” The […]...
- Значение идиомы mixed blessing [mixed blessing] {n.} Something good that has bad features. John’s new bicycle was a mixed blessing. The other boys were alwaysasking John to ride it....
- Washington Jokes Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Washington: We like our state, so stay […]...
- Значение идиомы ground [ground] See: BREAK GROUND, COMMON GROUND, COVER GROUND or COVERTHE GROUND, CUT THE GROUND FROM UNDER, EAR TO THE GROUND, FEET ON THEGROUND, GAIN GROUND, GET OFF THE GROUND, GIVE GROUND, HAPPY HUNTINGGROUND, HOLD ONE’S GROUND, LOSE GROUND, MIDDLE GROUND, RUN INTO THEGROUND, STAMPING GROUND, STAND ONE’S GROUND, FROM THE GROUND UP....
- Virginia Jokes Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix? – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Virginia: Please don’t confuse us […]...
- Перевод слова forest Forest – лес Перевод слова Pine forest – сосновый бор oak forest – дубрава a forest of hands shot up – поднялся лес рук The Forest stretches for miles. Лес тянется на много миль. They dwelt in the Forest. Они обитали в лесу. The scenery showed a Forest. Декорации создавали атмосферу леса....
- Russia Jokes What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
- Florida Jokes Dumb Florida Laws Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just […]...
- Jokes of science 02 The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist’s office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. “Hmmm,” says the theorist, “That’s exactly where you’d expect to see that peak. Here’s the reason (long logical explanation follows).” In the middle of it, the experimentalist says “Wait a minute”, studies the chart for a second, and […]...
- Значение идиомы from the ground up [from the ground up] {adv. phr.} From the beginning; entirely;completely. After the fire they had to rebuild their cabin from theground up. Sam knows about baseball from the ground up. Thenew cars have been changed from the ground up....
- Short reindeer jokes What do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you! Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers! Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they would look silly in plastic macs! How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don’t feed it! Why did the […]...
- Jokes about Dumb Irishmen The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. […]...
- Clean Jokes about Ireland An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be […]...
- Значение идиомы throw open [throw open] 1. To open wide with a sudden or strong movement. He dashed in and threw open the windows. 2. To remove limits from. The Homestead Act threw open the West. When a hurricane and floodleft many people homeless, public buildings were thrown open toshelter them....
- Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal? As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens. If you suspect a “touch of the old hand ax” in your ancestry, score yourself on this test: 1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points. […]...
- Перевод слова ride Ride – прогулка; ездить, кататься Перевод слова To ride a good seat – хорошо ездить верхом to ride a bicycle – ездить на велосипеде a ride in a bus – поездка на автобусе I Ride to work in a bus. На работу я езжу на автобусе. Let’s go for a bike Ride. Давай прокатимся на […]...
- Stuck in a plane George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. “Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!” […]...
- This Is Why We Call It’Soccer,’ Not’Football’ As the FIFA World Cup kicks off in Brazil this week, fans of the globe’s most popular sport have been tuning in to watch the greatest names in the game square off. But one question continues to crop up: Why is it that Americans insist on calling the sport “soccer,” while the rest of the […]...
- There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. “Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George. “George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait […]...
- A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that […]...
- Doctor and engineer A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic […]...
- Значение идиомы open fire [open fire] {v. phr.} To begin shooting. The big warship turnedits guns toward the enemy ship and opened fire. When the policemancalled to the robber to stop, he turned and suddenly opened fire....
- The pro football turkey The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive […]...
- A game of Animal Football The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T. V.” He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to […]...
- Chicago Jokes A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary […]...
- California Jokes California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dumb California Laws Sunshine […]...
- One man came to gun shop One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop. J(ohnny):I want a pistol S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, S: An.44 Magnum? And for what purpose? J: For shooting cans. S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this […]...
- Having a Barbecue George: Step aside! The king of the Cookout is here. I’m ready To work my magic on this Barbecue. Sophia: Here are the burgers and hot dogs. The kids are pretty hungry. George: Hold on. I need to put on the Charcoal. Now I’m ready To fire up this barbecue. Where’s the Lighter fluid? Sophia: […]...
- Flying in the plane Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, “No way, ten dollars is ten dollars.” The years […]...
- Значение идиомы mixed bag [mixed bag] {n. phr.} A varied set of people, ideas, objects, orcircumstances, including both the good and the bad. This report isa mixed bag of opinions. There was a mixed bag of people at thepress conference....
- Значение идиомы stand one’s ground [stand one’s ground] also [hold one’s ground] {v. phr.} 1. To stayand fight instead of running away. The enemy attacked in greatnumbers but our men stood their ground. Compare: GAIN GROUND. Contrast: GIVE GROUND, LOSE GROUND. 2. To defend a belief orstatement; refuse to weaken when opposed; insist you are right. John’s friends said he […]...
- Значение идиомы mixed up [mixed up] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Confused in mind; puzzled. Bob was all mixed up after the accident. Compare: BALL UP. 2.Disordered; disarranged; not neat. The papers on his desk weremixed up. 3. {informal} Joined or connected. Harry was mixed up in a fight after the game. Mary’s father told her not to get mixed up […]...
- Types of Views Andrea: Help me decide on which type of hotel room To book. George: I want the one with a bed. Andrea: Very funny. We have a choice of different views, and each one is a different price. For instance, a room with a City view is $175 a night and a Panoramic view is $275 […]...
- A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it”. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for […]...
- Перевод слова snow Snow – снег, снегопад Перевод слова To be caught in the snow – застрять из-за метели sticky snow – липкий снег fall of snow – выпадение снега It is Snowing. Идет снег. Perhaps it will Snow tomorrow. Возможно, завтра будет снег. Snow is falling in profusion. Снег валит в изобилии. Интересные факты В сериале “Игра […]...
- Lost In The Snow A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for […]...
- Перевод слова west West – запад, к западу, на запад Перевод слова Geographic west – географический запад to travel west – ехать на запад west of Moscow – к западу от Москвы The route lay to the West. Дорога простиралась на запад. The route then heads West over Gerrick Moor. Затем маршрут вел на запад через Gerrick Moor. […]...
- Перевод слова fire Fire – огонь, пожар, пламя, зажигать Перевод слова Fire endurance – огнестойкость fire point – температура воспламенения fire prevention – противопожарная техника fire and fury – пламенность, неистовая страсть to fire a house – поджечь дом Please mind the Fire. Пожалуйста, последите за камином. The house is on Fire! В доме пожар! Fire devoured the […]...