Jokes

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he … Читать далее

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. «My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf», says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time … Читать далее

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s … Читать далее

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, «It’s my turn.» «What do you mean, your turn?» yelled the husband. «In bed,» she explained, «you’ve been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it’s my turn.»

One joke that we did in residence was the Chinese Fire Drill, I don’t quite know why it is called that. Anyway.. The victim is on the pot in the dorm washroom. Everyone grabs a bucket (we used the waste baskets from our rooms) and fills the buckets with water. Take a paper bag and … Читать далее

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. «In English,» he said, «A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language … Читать далее

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, «Make me one with everything.» The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box … Читать далее

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, »All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do … Читать далее

IT’S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN. October 9, 1995 A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years — chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 … Читать далее

Don was looking for a little «action.» He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip … Читать далее

Here’s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions. . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls. . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . … Читать далее

A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go’s on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells, «There’s a horses ass» A guy gets up and punches him.. And the man left.. Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said … Читать далее

Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It’s your life — but I wish you’d let us have it. Hey, act your age — senile! I’ve had many cases of love that … Читать далее

A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he asked if he could give her an old fashioned … Читать далее

Which of the following doesn’t belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blow job (D) A blowjob because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial — it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer … Читать далее

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, «Your first job will be to sweep out the store.» «But I’m a college graduate.» the young man replied indignantly. «Oh, I’m sorry. I … Читать далее

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, «He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.» Horrified, Katie told her … Читать далее

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered,» You know, I’ve … Читать далее

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. «HA!» he snorted. «The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!» On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, «There! I … Читать далее

For all animal lovers out there: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. And… How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’? Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…

Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic «smart» missiles. Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned to NATO’s base.

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. «My sergeants are wonderful», said one soldier. «I wish I could say the same about mine,» said the other. «You could if you could lie as I do.» — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. «Listen to the sound of my voice…», he kept repeating, «the sound of my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…» Pretty soon, … Читать далее

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. «Where’s George?» one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. «He’s about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there ’cause I … Читать далее

«What’s wrong, sonny?» asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out. «I’m crying ’cause I can’t do what the big boys do!» So the old man sat down and wept too.

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. «Say, friend», called out one of the men, «how far is it to the next town?» … Читать далее

One day Pete was complaining to his friend «my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor». His friend said «Don’t do that. There’s a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It’s quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem … Читать далее

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy … Читать далее

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. «I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,» said the woman, «especially with the size … Читать далее

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis. Lady asks, «What are you?» He says, «I’m a fireman.» «But you’re only wearing a glass jar,» says the woman. He says, «Exactly, in an emergency, break glass.» Pull knob and I’ll cum as fast as I can!»

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning’s relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so … Читать далее

Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change … Читать далее

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of «Miscellaneous Unproductive Time» (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job … Читать далее

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says «put your dick in here, we’ll do what your wife does for you». So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards — something unusual. The clerk points her to a new card just in that day — «Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry.» The blonde replied, «How cool! I’ll take … Читать далее

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. «Tell me,» said he, «if we release you, as we … Читать далее

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park. Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked, «You wanna play doctor?» Johnny replied, «NO, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president.»

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, «Sir, have you been drinking?» And the minister says, «Just water.» The … Читать далее

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: … Читать далее

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, «Hello?» Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, «Is … Читать далее

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other «hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?» pointing to the supervisor. The other says, «I don’t know, go ask him.» So Guido goes up to the … Читать далее

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, «What took you so long?» The guy says, «That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.» … Читать далее

Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as … Читать далее

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist. «So you want them mounted?» asked the taxidermist. To which she replied: «No. Holding hands will do just fine.»

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..! HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the … Читать далее

Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don’t know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily … Читать далее

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: ‘I will now answer any questions you have.’ Bobby stands up and says: ‘I have four questions’: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why … Читать далее

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these … Читать далее