It finally happened

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1. Dealing with a lawyerA new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him «What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?» The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, «A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.» Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in ... Читать далее...
2. Pick Heaven or HellOne day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. «Welcome to Heaven,» said St. Peter. «Before you get settled in though, it seems we have ... Читать далее...
3. Why elevator «close» buttons don’t workEven if your building’s got an up-to-date elevator that runs with all the speed and precision of a Swiss watch (if that’s the case, no need to brag), you’ve likely found yourself waiting the maddening extra few seconds for the doors to finally close, furtively pushing the «close» button and wondering why isn’t anything happening. ... Читать далее...
4. Sister Margaret diedSister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, «This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!» She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. ... Читать далее...
5. Fidel dies and goes to heavenFidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself ... Читать далее...
6. A HeroA large crowd had formed at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter came out with an announcement. «Because Heaven has become overcrowded, we can only let heroes in today. Is anyone here a hero?» One small man raised his hand. «I am,» he said. «What did you do that was heroic?» asked Saint Peter skeptically. ... Читать далее...
7. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly GatesRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
8. Qualifying for HeavenRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
9. Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. «Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?» «I was a policeman,» he responded. «What kind of policeman?» St Peter asked. «I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.» «Wonderful my son, ... Читать далее...
10. Could be here soonerAn elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. «Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.» «Heck, ... Читать далее...
11. Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiotThree men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. «Gentlemen,» the Devil started, «Due to the fact that ... Читать далее...
12. Marrying and divorcing in HeavenIt seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. ... Читать далее...
13. A rancher from Central Arizona died and went onA rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, «Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona.» «The gatekeeper replied, «First of all, I’m not Saint Peter…and second, ... Читать далее...
14. A cattleman from West Texas diedA cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, «Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.» «The gatekeeper replied, «First of all, I’m not Saint Peter and ... Читать далее...
15. The crusty old managing partner finally passed awayThe crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. «I’m sorry, he’s dead,» was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. ... Читать далее...
16. Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly GatesClinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. «Who goes there?» inquired St. Peter. «‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.» «And what do you want?» asked St. Peter. «Lemme in!» replied Clinton. «Soooo,» pondered Peter. «What bad things did you do on earth?» Clinton thought a bit and ... Читать далее...
17. Three girls died and were brought to the gatesThree girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, «Before entering you must answer this simple question.» «Which is…?», they replied in unison. «Have you been a good girl?», he asked the first girl. ... Читать далее...
18. A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heavenA pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He’s stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: «You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова finallyFinally — в заключение, в конце концов Перевод слова Finally, I have to say… — в заключение я должен сказать… finally he agreed — в конце концов он согласился to vote finally — голосовать окончательно He Finally has a steady job. Наконец-то он нашел постоянную работу. The storm Finally tapered off. В конце концов шторм ... Читать далее...
20. Gates gets punishmentBill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, «Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every ... Читать далее...
21. New York JokesNew York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
22. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accidentA lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. «Now, ... Читать далее...
23. Nervous at an Interview II was On my way to an interview and there was a lot of Traffic on the road. I got to the office In the nick of time For my appointment. I walked into the Lobby of the building and looked at the Directory. I saw that Casey Enterprises was on the Penthouse floor and ... Читать далее...
24. Capitalist and Socialist HellA young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, «What ... Читать далее...
25. MusicianQ: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, «I can do that!» Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach ... Читать далее...
26. A guy steps into an elevator andA guy steps into an elevator and there’s just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, «Oh, I’m so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.» ... Читать далее...
27. It finally dawned«How did it happen?» the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. «Well, doc, 25 years ago…» «Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.» «Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone ... Читать далее...
28. A lawyer passed on and found himself in HeavenA lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three ... Читать далее...
29. Clinton is in HeavenPresident Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. «Who goes there?» inquired St. Peter. «It’s me, Bill Clinton». «What bad things did you do on earth?» Clinton thought a bit and answered, «Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit ... Читать далее...
30. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of HeavenSt. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, «You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.» Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, «St. Peter, I spent ... Читать далее...
31. Three men die in a plane crash and are waitingThree men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, «What did you do on Earth?» Man #1: I was a doctor. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #2: I was a school teacher. ... Читать далее...
32. A man and a woman are on an elevator at the topA man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world’s tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don’t work, the emergency phone doesn’t work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams «We’re going to ... Читать далее...
33. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
34. Baseball in HeavenTwo buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come ... Читать далее...
35. I HAD A BAD DAYIt was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at ... Читать далее...
36. Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in townTwo Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. «How’re thangs with y’all, Pete?» one asked. «Not bad atall,» Pete replied. «My old woman ain’t talkin’ to me thiseyer week…and I ain’t in no mood to interrupt her.»...
37. Accountant in HeavenAn accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, «I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a ... Читать далее...
38. Lost In The SnowA blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. «If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.» Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for ... Читать далее...
39. A blonde got lost in her car in a snow stormA blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. «If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it». Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for ... Читать далее...
40. Seymour was a good and pious manSeymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. «Hungry, Seymour?» the Lord asked. «I could eat,» said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and ... Читать далее...