I think I try a nicer approach

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1. A wife begins to get a little worried becauseA wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p. m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. «What happened?» says the wife. «You should have been ... Читать далее...
2. Better than SexA solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back ... Читать далее...
3. Groundhog Day«I bet you don’t know what day this is», said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: «Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?» With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for ... Читать далее...
4. A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy manA lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, «There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.» «No problem,» ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова midnightMidnight — полночь Перевод слова Midnight hours — полуночные часы midnight train — поезд, отходящий в полночь to burn the midnight oil — поздно засиживаться за работой I usually turn in at Midnight. Я обычно ложусь спать в полночь. The party broke up at Midnight. Вечеринка закончилась в полночь. We didn’t get home until Midnight. ... Читать далее...
6. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
7. The approach of winterDec. 8 5:00 p. m. — It’s starting to snow, the first of the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful. Dec. 9 — We awoke to a big ... Читать далее...
8. Driving home very drunkIt seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before ... Читать далее...
9. Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinnerSome time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff ... Читать далее...
10. This woman has her bridge club every Thursday nightThis woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. «Oh, no! I ... Читать далее...
11. I just trying to be helpfulA good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk «do you live here?» «Yep». «Would you like me to help you upstairs?» «Yep». When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked «Is this your floor?» ... Читать далее...
12. Значение идиомы in the soup[in the soup] {adj. phr.}, {slang} In serious trouble; inconfusion; in disorder. When his wife overdrew their bank accountwithout telling him, Mr. Phillips suddenly found himself really in thesoup. The police misunderstood Harry’s night errand, and arrestedhim, which put him in the soup with the boss....
13. The Bachelor DietMonday Breakfast — Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth Lunch — Send your secretary out for six «gutbombers» — those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have ... Читать далее...
14. The bachelor’s dietBachelor’s Diet MONDAY: BREAKFAST — Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH — Send your secretary out for six «gutbombers» those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and ... Читать далее...
15. A guy was trying to console a friendA guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man. «Get over it, buddy,» he said. «It’s not the end of the world.» «It’s all right for you to say,» answered his buddy. «But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed ... Читать далее...
16. Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate HarryMick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before. «Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then ... Читать далее...
17. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the ... Читать далее...
18. A henpecked husbandA henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. «You don’t have to let your wife bully you,» he said. «Go home and show her you’re the boss.» The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, «From now ... Читать далее...
19. Marriage quotes 11My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one ... Читать далее...
20. A man says to his wifeA man says to his wife, «Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing.» Wife says, «I dont want to go.» Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se. Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, «It tastes like sh*t. Man says, ... Читать далее...
21. Harry and his wife are driving in the countryHarry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, «Cow For Sale…$5000.» He pulls in and says to the farmer, «There’s no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars.» The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.» He lifts the cow’s tail, and Harry sees ... Читать далее...
22. A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrotA middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous ... Читать далее...
23. The young wife was in tears when she opened the doorThe young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. «I’ve been insulted,» she sobbed. «Your mother insulted me.» «My mother!» he exclaimed. «But she is a hundred miles away.» «I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.» He looked stern, «I see, but where ... Читать далее...
24. A fair offerOne day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his ... Читать далее...
25. An affair with the horsePaddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: «I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.» His second friend says: «I think my wife is having an affair with ... Читать далее...
26. A helping handHarry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, «Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around ... Читать далее...
27. A pushA man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. «I’m not getting out of bed at this time,» he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. «Aren’t you going to ... Читать далее...
28. Lawyers are greedyA lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. «Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!», he whined. «You lawyers are so ... Читать далее...
29. A materialistA yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. «Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!», he whined. «You yuppies are so ... Читать далее...
30. A hundred dollarsA man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. «Out drinking again!?» she says. «How much money did you spend this time?» «$100,» answers the man. «$100!» she shouts. «That’s ridiculous, spending that much in one night!» «Easy for you ... Читать далее...
31. One night a man heard howls coming from his basementOne night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The ... Читать далее...
32. This rich couple were going out for the eveningThis rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn’t having a good time at the ... Читать далее...
33. A Good ListenerWoman: Hi, Long time no see. How have you been? Man: Oh, I’ve been fine, but I’m having some trouble with my son. Woman: Tell me all about it. Man: Oh, he’s 14 and in the past few months, he’s become quieter and a bit Secretive. He locks himself in his room and I think ... Читать далее...
34. A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noisesA man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, «help, help, I am having a heart attack», the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run ... Читать далее...
35. Trust thy friendThe sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. «Was it my friend Sam», he demanded. «No!» his weeping wife replied. «Was it my friend Jim then?» he asked. «NO!!!» she said ... Читать далее...
36. A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wifeA concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, «Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.» «Well,» the doctor replied, «go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say ... Читать далее...
37. One day a lady went to the doctors officeOne day a lady went to the doctor’s office and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t interested in her any more he just wouldn’t have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that «if you give your ... Читать далее...
38. Wife-taming methodTwo married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, «You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. ... Читать далее...
39. Arriving home very drunkA man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: «Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.» The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles ... Читать далее...
40. A regular Friday night poker gameA regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. «Roger, listen,» he told the host, «Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.» «OK, that’s it, guys,» Roger said. «This is positively the last deal.»...