How many does it take?

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1. A guy walks into a bar and sits down next toA guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over ... Читать далее...
2. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
3. Jewish flyA man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in ... Читать далее...
4. A woman walks into a tattoo parlourA woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks ‘Do you do custom work?’ ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down ... Читать далее...
5. Some very common traits in two drunksA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
6. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a barA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
7. You can’t bring that dog in this barA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says «You can’t bring that dog in here!» The guy, without missing a beat, says «This is my seeing-eye dog.» «Oh man, » the bartender says, «I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on ... Читать далее...
8. I am afraid of that tarmacA motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman ... Читать далее...
9. A woman walks into her accountant’s office andA woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, «Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.» He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, «What is your occupation?» The woman replies, «I’m a whore.» The accountant balks ... Читать далее...
10. A state-of-the-art watchA cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, «Is your date running late?» «No», he replies,»I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just ... Читать далее...
11. A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condomA man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again ... Читать далее...
12. Guy goes to hell and is met by the devilGuy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room ... Читать далее...
13. The story of a very short manA man walks into a bar and says, «Bartender, give me two shots.» Bartender says, «You want them both now or one at a time?» The guy says,» Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,» and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his ... Читать далее...
14. A man walks into a pubThe following was contributed by Emil: A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, «cor! I’ve just had my first blow-job and it was great! — I’ll have a large whiskey please, barman.» The man takes his whiskey and downs it. «Same again?» asks the barman. «Okay» ... Читать далее...
15. A woman walks into a pet storeA woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, «I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.» «No worries,» replies the clerk. ... Читать далее...
16. Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the barmanProstitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi’s and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks ... Читать далее...
17. PrescriptionThis woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks «What for?» She says «I want to kill my husband». He says «Sorry, I can’t do that.» She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it ... Читать далее...
18. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
19. A woman visits her physicianA woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: «Well, what can I do for you madam?». The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: «You can discuss any matter with ... Читать далее...
20. Jokes of science 03Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, «How much for a beer?» The bartender ... Читать далее...
21. A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctorA woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation: Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water. Woman: Ok. Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water. Woman: Ok. Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with ... Читать далее...
22. A man walks into a bar and orders two drinksA man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what’s going on. «Why are you pouring that drink on your hand»? ... Читать далее...
23. A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugsA woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and ... Читать далее...
24. Women’s instructionsWOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So ... Читать далее...
25. Over the counterA middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, «Do you sell Viagra here?» The pharmacist answers ... Читать далее...
26. Bad luck finding a place to hideA small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, «Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.» The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink ... Читать далее...
27. A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quartersA young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. «Hi, there, I’m Jerry,» he said, as ... Читать далее...
28. The customs of an IrishmanAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, «You know, a pint goes flat after ... Читать далее...
29. A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladderA man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, ... Читать далее...
30. A guy in a barThe bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You ... Читать далее...
31. I don’t owe anything for this drinkThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, «What’ll you have?» The guy answers, «A scotch, please.» The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars,» to which the guy replies, «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.» A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, ... Читать далее...
32. A man and a woman are sitting next to each otherA man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down. «My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,» she said. «What a coincidence! My wife just left me,» said the man, «she ... Читать далее...
33. A man decided to have a face liftA man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, «I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think ... Читать далее...
34. Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself toAlbert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, «What is your IQ?» to which the man answers, «241.» «That is wonderful!,» says Albert. «We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!» Next Albert introduces himself ... Читать далее...
35. Edward walks out of a barEdward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. «Can I help you, fella?», asks the cop. «Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!» Edward replies. The cop asks, «Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?». «It ... Читать далее...
36. A businessman boards a flight66.A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, «This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American ... Читать далее...
37. A duck in the shopA duck walks into a shop and asks the manager: -Got any fresh fruit? -No. -Got any fresh vegetables? -No. We have only dry goods. The next day the duck returns: -Got any fresh fruit? -No. -Got any fresh vegatables? -No. I told you yesterday, we have only dry goods. If you come back tomorrow ... Читать далее...
38. A duck walks into a general storeA duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,»Got any fresh fruit?» «No.» «Got any fresh vegetables?» «No. We have only canned and dry goods.» The next day, the duck returns. «Got any fresh fruit?» «No.» «Got any fresh vegetables?» «No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If ... Читать далее...
39. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnantA woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, «Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?» The doctor answered, «Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy ... Читать далее...
40. A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits downA blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. «I’m sorry sir, but I am blind, and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order ... Читать далее...