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1. While attending a spelling session in school one dayWhile attending a spelling session in school one day, The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB? Darla raises her hand and says «I can, I can» The teacher replies, «OK, go ahead Darla…» Darla replies…»D-U-M-B» The teacher replies, «very good», and «can you use that word in a sentence?» Darla replies, «Sure, ... Читать далее...
2. Business is businessA young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, «Who was the greatest man that ever lived?» A girl raises her hand and says, «I think George Washington was the ... Читать далее...
3. One day the teacher decides to play an animal gameOne day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says «See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?» Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a ... Читать далее...
4. Little girl walks into the bathroomA little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks «What’s that?» Her sister replies «That is my possum, sis!» The young girl replies «Oh, OK» The next day she sees her mother get out of the ... Читать далее...
5. While enjoying a drink with a mate one nightWhile enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into ... Читать далее...
6. Edward walks out of a barEdward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. «Can I help you, fella?», asks the cop. «Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!» Edward replies. The cop asks, «Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?». «It ... Читать далее...
7. Stolen CarStolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, «Can I help you, sir?» «Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!» the man replies. The cop asks, «Where was your car the last time you saw it?» «It ... Читать далее...
8. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
9. Johnny missed his final exam due to the fluJohnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he’d done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he’d missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test. First ... Читать далее...
10. Forgotten letters — Забытые письмаI have chosen this topic because I like to receive letters written by hand, but unfortunately have forgotten about it … Letter is one of the oldest methods of transmitting a message. Written by hand, painstaking, precisely derived handwriting. Then, when there were no mobile phones, no internet, and generally not a lot of technology, ... Читать далее...
11. A guy walks into a post officeA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
12. Sending out many cardsA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
13. A little old lady gets onto a crowded busA little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, «If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.» The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. ... Читать далее...
14. A woman selling apples in New YorkA woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. ‘I know why you are chasing after me… you want to ... Читать далее...
15. A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breastsA man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, «What are you doing?» She replies, «I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.» The husband retorts, «Well, what did he say about your 50 year ... Читать далее...
16. Some very common traits in two drunksA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
17. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a barA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
18. A woman walks into a pet storeA woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, «I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.» «No worries,» replies the clerk. ... Читать далее...
19. A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet themA girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. «What’s your name?» she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers «My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.» She goes up to the second dog and asks «What’s your name?» The ... Читать далее...
20. Try to explain womenA man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. «Sure,» GOD says, «Go right ahead». «OK,» the man says. «Why did you make women so pretty?» GOD says, «So you would like them.» «OK,» the guy says. «But how come you ... Читать далее...
21. A clear moralOne day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, «Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive ... Читать далее...
22. Subjects for a dateA boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: «My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.» The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. ... Читать далее...
23. You can’t bring that dog in this barA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says «You can’t bring that dog in here!» The guy, without missing a beat, says «This is my seeing-eye dog.» «Oh man, » the bartender says, «I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on ... Читать далее...
24. Перевод идиомы polish the apple, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: polish the apple Перевод: льстить, подхалимничать (из этого выражения происходят также выражения Apple polishing — процесс лести и подхалимства, и Apple polisher — тот, кто льстит и подхалимничает) Пример: Nobody likes the girl because she is always polishing the apple with her teacher. Никому не нравится эта девочка, потому что она всегда подлизывается к ... Читать далее...
25. A dangerous jobThis guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. «Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?» the service guy asks. «Boy,» is the man’s response. «Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,» says ... Читать далее...
26. Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the barmanProstitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi’s and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks ... Читать далее...
27. A little girl and a little boy were at day careA little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, «Hey Tommy, wanna play house?» He says, «Sure! What do you want me to do?» The girl replies, «I want you to communicate your thoughts.» «Communicate my thoughts?» said a bewildered Tommy. «I have no ... Читать далее...
28. Barbie and G. I. JoeA little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, «What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?» The little girl replies, «I want a Barbie and G. I. Joe.» Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, «I ... Читать далее...
29. Значение идиомы polish the apple[polish the apple] {v. phr.}, {slang} To try to make someone likeyou; to try to win favor by flattery. Mary polished the apple atwork because she wanted a day off. Susan is the teacher’s petbecause she always polishes the apple. — [apple polisher] {n.},{slang} A person who is nice to the one in charge in ... Читать далее...
30. A guy in a barThe bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You ... Читать далее...
31. Man walks into a supermarket and buysMan walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner The girl at the checkout looks at him and says «Single are you?» The man replies very sarcastically «How did you ... Читать далее...
32. Changed my mind!This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, «I hope you don’t mind but ... Читать далее...
33. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
34. Winnie The????«Winnie The????» It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she ... Читать далее...
35. A man decided to have a face liftA man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, «I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think ... Читать далее...
36. I don’t owe anything for this drinkThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, «What’ll you have?» The guy answers, «A scotch, please.» The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars,» to which the guy replies, «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.» A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, ... Читать далее...
37. A truck driver breaks down andA truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted on his dash and asks him what it’s for. He replies «Oh that’s a conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots of pussy that ... Читать далее...
38. Jokes of science 03Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, «How much for a beer?» The bartender ... Читать далее...
39. A man goes to a psychiatristA man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. «A man and a woman making love in a park,» the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the ... Читать далее...
40. Some people are sitting in a barSome people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, «My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.» Another guy says, «What’s that?» The first guy says, «That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.» Another one says, «My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, «What’s that?» ... Читать далее...