Fortunate ingenuity

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1. A young boy was visiting his grandfather’s farmA young boy was visiting his grandfather’s farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself. The boy says, «What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?» Grandpa replies, «No sonny, just jacking!»...
2. Safe sexA teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, «Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases ... Читать далее...
3. Grandpa and Little Johnny are sittingGrandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, «Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?» Grandpa looks at him and says «No Johnny, I will not.» «But Grandpa, why?» asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. «Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you ... Читать далее...
4. A necessary conditionThere were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, «Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, «No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.» So, the second little boy comes out and ... Читать далее...
5. Just cut your hair firstA young man comes home and says «Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.» Father replies, :»O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months ... Читать далее...
6. The Presidential watchesA man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called «the George Bush Watch» and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says — «you are suppose to read his lips». He then looks at a watch called the «Ross Perot Watch» ... Читать далее...
7. Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic CitySchick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he says, «How much?» She says, «Twenty bucks.» He says, «All right.» They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he’s ... Читать далее...
8. A guy in a barThe bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова squeezeSqueeze — сжатие, теснота; сжимать, сдавливать Перевод слова It was a tight squeeze — было очень тесно to squeeze one’s finger — прищемить палец to squeeze an orange — выжимать сок из апельсина He Squeezed my hand. Он крепко пожал мне руку. We Squeezed through the crowd. Мы протиснулись сквозь толпу. Squeeze a bit of ... Читать далее...
10. I don’t owe anything for this drinkThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, «What’ll you have?» The guy answers, «A scotch, please.» The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars,» to which the guy replies, «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.» A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод сленгового выражения boob, значение и пример использованияСленговое выражение: boob Перевод: болван, тупица; глупый человек Пример: He is such a boob, he is impossible to talk to. Он такой болван, с ним невозможно разговаривать....
12. Hair sprayA man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side ... Читать далее...
13. Buying and Selling Family HeirloomsAnne: Where are you going with that? Ivan: I’m taking this clock to an Antique dealer. Rather than having it Gather dust on the Mantelpiece, I thought I’d get it Appraised and maybe sell it. Anne: You can’t sell that! It belonged to our grandfather. It’s a Family heirloom. Ivan: It’s not a family heirloom. ... Читать далее...
14. Buying and Selling Family HeirloomsAnne: Where are you going with that? Ivan: I’m taking this clock to an Antique dealer. Rather than having it Gather dust on the Mantelpiece, I thought I’d get it Appraised and maybe sell it. Anne: You can’t sell that! It belonged to our grandfather. It’s a Family heirloom. Ivan: It’s not a family heirloom. ... Читать далее...
15. Little Johnny sat playing in the gardenLittle Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. «No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!» Trying to convince him further, «Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.» «No, she ... Читать далее...
16. At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marryAt the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20. Grandpa’s doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied «Oh well, if she dies, I’ll just get myself another one.»...
17. Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sittingGrandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, «Fuck you!» Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, «Fuck you too!» Grandpa becomes very much excited ... Читать далее...
18. A man was walking down the street when he noticedA man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. «Grandpa, what are you doing?» he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. «Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова fortunateFortunate — счастливый, удачливый Перевод слова Fortunate event — счастливое событие born under a fortunate star — рожденный под счастливой звездой if one is fortunate — в случае удачи We are Fortunate in having such a nice house. Нам повезло, что у нас такой хороший дом. How Fortunate we were to find that restaurant! Как ... Читать далее...
20. A horse and a rabbitA horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. He drives the farmer’s Mercedes ... Читать далее...
21. A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadowA horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s ... Читать далее...
22. Значение идиомы early bird catches the worm[early bird catches the worm] or [early bird gets the worm] Aperson who gets up early in the morning has the best chance ofsucceeding; if you arrive early or are quicker, you get ahead ofothers. — A proverb. When Billy’s father woke him up for school hesaid, «The early bird catches the worm.» Charles began ... Читать далее...
23. Значение идиомы do well by[do well by] {v. phr.} To benefit; help; treat exceptionally well. In his will Grandpa did well by all of his grandchildren and left each of them one million dollars....
24. The golf courseA man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, «I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you ... Читать далее...
25. Значение идиомы square peg in a round hole[square peg in a round hole] {n.}, {informal} A person who does notfit into a job or position; someone who does not belong where he is. Arthur is a square peg in a round hole when he is playing ball. George likes to work with his hands. When it comes to books, he’s asquare peg ... Читать далее...
26. I trying to prove a pointA man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says «I want you ... Читать далее...
27. Elderly romanceThere’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, «For five dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my ... Читать далее...
28. Heated passionsMike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the ... Читать далее...
29. A rather attractive woman goes up to the barA rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. ... Читать далее...
30. Перевод слова grandfatherGrandfather — дедушка, предок, почтенный старик Перевод слова Grandfather rights — «дедовские» права; исконные права great grandfather — прадед grandfather file — предпоследняя версия файла My Grandfather had a weak heart. У моего деда было слабое сердце. Give my dear love to Grandfather. Передавай нежный привет дедушке. Grandfather won’t see out another month. Дедушка не ... Читать далее...
31. Значение идиомы main squeeze[main squeeze] {n.}, {slang} 1. The top ranking person in anorganization or in a neighborhood; an important person, such as one’sboss. Mr. Bronchard is the main squeeze in this office. 2. The topperson in charge of an illegal operation, such as drug sales, etc. Before we can clean up this part of town, we must ... Читать далее...
32. A fortunate twist of fateTwo brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. «How do you account for this?» he asked the brothers. «It’s hereditary, sir,» the older one replied. «I see,» said the doctor, writing in his file. «Your ... Читать далее...
33. Значение идиомы squeeze out of[squeeze out of] {v. phr.} To apply pressure to someone in order toobtain what one desires. The police were interrogating the suspectto squeeze information out of him....
34. Значение идиомы in the hole[in the hole] {adv.} or {adj. phr.}, {informal} 1a. Having a scorelower than zero in a game, especially a card game; to a score belowzero. John went three points in the hole on the first hand of thecard game. 1b. Behind an opponent; in difficulty in a sport or game. We had their pitcher in ... Читать далее...
35. A use for ViagraA man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. «How are you grandpa?» he asks. «Feeling fine,» says the old man. «What’s the food like?» «Terrific, wonderful menus.» «And the nursing?» «Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.» «What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?» «No problem at ... Читать далее...
36. One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a holeOne day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. «Whatcha doin?» he asked. Mongo replies, «My goldfish died and I’m burying him.» «That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?» asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, «That’s because he’s inside your fuckin’ cat!’...
37. A helping handHarry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, «Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around ... Читать далее...
38. Значение идиомы worm in[worm in] {v. phr.} To insinuate oneself; penetrate gradually. By cultivating the friendship of a few of the prominent merchants, Peter hoped to worm his way into that exclusive elite of exportmagnates....
39. How do you catch a polar bear?Answer: First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole. $ $Sent by Ediie...
40. Значение идиомы run in the blood[run in the blood] or [run in the family] {v. phr.} To be a commonfamily characteristic; be learned or inherited from your family. Agreat interest in gardening runs in his family. Red hair runs inthe family....