Father of my children

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1. A Bachelor Party My best friend, Saul, is getting married. As the Best man, it was up to me to plan a Bachelor party he’d never forget. All of the Groomsmen were Chipping in, so we Went all out. I invited everybody over to my apartment. Instead of going to a Strip club, we hired a Stripper. Before […]...
2. Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up “Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!” “My boy, you’ve witnessed a miracle! What happened […]...
3. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That, son, […]...
4. You are in trouble An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your […]...
5. Перевод сленгового выражения crap, значение и пример использования Сленговое выражение: crap Сленговое выражение: crap груб. Перевод: 1. чепуха, ерунда, вранье; 2. восклицание-ругательство (возможные переводы: “Черт!”, “Блин!”, и т. п.); 3. сходить в туалет по-большому; 4. экскрименты, испражнения Синоним: shit Пример: What he said is crap. Don’t believe a word of it. То, что он сказал, это полная чушь. Не верь ни единому его […]...
6. Planning a Children’s Party Sara: Come on! We need to buy all of the things we need for Gabriel’s party before the store closes. Paul: Are you sure we need a party? Maybe we can just have a Cake and some Party hats. Sara: Are you kidding?! We are going To pull out all the stops. We’ll have Streamers, […]...
7. Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what??s been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked “How is she in bed?” First guy replies “She??s fantastic, she sucks […]...
8. A young girl sees her father in the shower A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”...
9. Значение идиомы holy cats [holy cats] or [holy cow] or [holy mackerel] or [holy Moses]{interj.}, {informal} – Used to express strong feeling ; used in speech or when writingconversation. “Holy cats! That’s good pie!” said Dick. “Holycow! They can’t do that!” Mary said when she saw the boys hurting amuch smaller boy....
10. Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, “Darling, do you remember the minuet?” The other replies, “Sweetheart, I can’t even remember the ones I screwed!”...
11. My daughter is your reward Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests. . . I have a proposition to […]...
12. A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.” “No problem,” […]...
13. Stolen Car Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It […]...
14. Перевод слова pool Pool – бассейн, озерцо, пруд Перевод слова Pool of blood – лужа крови depth of a pool – глубина бассейна outdoor swimming pool – открытый плавательный бассейн freshwater pool – озерцо с пресной водой Everyone jumped into the Pool. Все запрыгнули в бассейн. He shoved me into the Pool. Он столкнул меня в бассейн. The […]...
15. You want children Are You Ready for Children? Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego’s. (If […]...
16. Where to send him? A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the […]...
17. This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, “Do you want to move to the back seat?” She replies, “NO!” Flabbergasted, he says, “Why Not?” To which she replies, “Well, I want to stay up here with […]...
18. So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you’d describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, “Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail.” Ralph replies “Make up […]...
19. Being a Bachelor Iris: I’m thinking of inviting Simone and Jerry over for dinner. Alex: This isn’t another attempt at Matchmaking, is it? Jerry is a Confirmed bachelor and he’s not Looking to marry or become involved in a relationship. Iris: He’s not a confirmed bachelor. In this neighborhood with so many single women, he’s an Eligible bachelor. […]...
20. Bar Hopping A Bunch of my old college friends Came into town for a few days and we went out last night Bar hopping until Closing time. We started around 9 p. m. and Were on our third bar when we Closed it down. Some of us were Starving and the rest of us were Peckish so […]...
21. What marketing is Now I understand what marketing is: You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: “I am very good in bed”. That is Direct Marketing. You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends […]...
22. A rather novel way to A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. “So what’s going on here?” he asks. The bikie replies “My mate here has […]...
23. Перевод слова front Front – перед, передняя часть Перевод слова Look to your front – смотри вперед the table of contents is in the front of the book – оглавление находится в начале книги the fine front of a house – красивый фасад дома front man – подставное лицо Dibs on the Front seat! Чур, я на переднем […]...
24. Перевод слова holy Holy – священный, святой Перевод слова Holy water – святая вода holy ground – освященная земля holy man – праведник, святой We don’t treat the items as Holy relics. Мы не считаем эти предметы священными реликвиями. They were joined together in Holy matrimony. Они были соединены священными узами брака. He sprinkled the coffin with Holy […]...
25. These two guys are car pooling home from work one day These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn. “Look”, he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?” The […]...
26. Значение идиомы have one’s head screwed on backwards [have one’s head screwed on backwards] {v. phr.} To lack commonsense; behave in strange and irrational ways. Henry seems to havehis head screwed on backwards; he thinks the best time to get a suntanis when it is raining and to sleep with his shoes on....
27. Значение идиомы whip up [whip up] {v.}, {informal} 1. To make or do quickly or easily. Mary whipped up a lunch for the picnic. The reporter whipped up astory about the fire for his paper. 2. To make active; stir toaction; excite. The girls are trying to whip up interest for adance Saturday night. Compare: STIR UP, WHOOP IT […]...
28. The scene is a dark jungle in Africa The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, alright!” The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. […]...
29. My Birthday I was born on the 22nd of March. Birthday is a very remarkable day for me. It is spring and the weather is fine. In the morning my parents come to my room to wake me singing “Happy Birthday, dear Andy”. They give me the presents. I like to get them very much. Most people […]...
30. Значение идиомы good grief! [good grief!] {interj.}, {informal} Wow! Indication of surprise, good or bad. “Good grief,” Joe cried out loud. “Is this all youwill pay me for my hard work?” What a figure Melanie has, goodgrief! I wonder if she would be willing to go out with me. Compare:GOODNESS GRACIOUS!, HEAVENLY DAYS!, HOLY CATS or HOLY COW or […]...
31. Диалог на английском языке с переводом “Между отцом и сыном (Between Father And Son)” По-английски Перевод на русский Father: Harry, I heard you are not doing well at school these days. What’s the matter? Отец: Гарри, я слышал у тебя не очень хорошая успеваемость в школе в эти дни. В чем дело? Son: I don’t know dad. I’m trying my best but teachers complain about my progress anyway. Сын: […]...
32. My girlfriend is out in the car A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender […]...
33. Дети/ Children На английском языке Перевод на русский язык Children Дети According to an old saying children are the flowers of life. They are our future. I suppose every adult person understands that one of the most important aims of people is to continue existing as a species. This is one of the basic instincts we follow. […]...
34. A tourist from the United States of America A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, “Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D. C. […]...
35. A man had been drinking at the bar for hours A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the […]...
36. And Badly-Behaved Children Josephine: Hello. Ray: Hi, Josephine, it’s Ray. We have a meeting today at 10 a. m. and I was wondering if you would mind if I brought my kids with me. Their babysitter didn’t show up. Josephine: Oh, sure. That’s no problem. Your children are so Well-behaved. Even at their age, they have Impeccable manners. […]...
37. Teaching Children About Safety Ms. Sanchez: Okay, kids. I’m Ms. Sanchez, your Substitute for this week. I’m taking all of you on the Field trip tomorrow. Listen up. There are some Ground rules we need To go over. First, each of you will have a Partner and you will Hold hands while we cross the streets. Student: Ms. Sanchez…? […]...
38. Changed my mind! This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but […]...
39. A young married woman A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, “Do you talk to your husband when you’re making love?” She thought about it a minute then said, “Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.”...
40. Naming Children Celeste: So, here is my Shortlist. Albert: A shortlist for what? Celeste: Baby names. Albert: We have months to decide. Don’t you think we should wait? Celeste: No, I want to be prepared. Here, take a look. See what you think. Albert: Ezekiel?! You want to name our child Ezekiel? He’ll be Teased by every […]...