England Jokes

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1. Значение идиомы go halves[go halves] {v. phr.}, {informal} To share half or equally becomepartners. The boys went halves in raising pigs. The men aregoing halves in a new business. The girl bought a box of candy andwent halves with her roommate....
2. Little Lucy was playing in the garden when sheLittle Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. «Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?» «They’re mating, Lucy» he replied. «What do you call the spider on top Daddy?» Lucy asked. «Oh, that’s a Daddy Longlegs. Lucy asked, «Oh, so one’s a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a ... Читать далее...
3. France JokesQ: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris? A: He was declared to be in Seine. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
4. Перевод слова EnglandEngland — Англия Перевод слова In the heart of England — в сердце Англии my home is England — моя родина — Англия to live in England — жить в Англии Scotland lies north of England. Шотландия лежит к северу от Англии. My parents remained in England. Мои родители остались в Англии. England and Scotland ... Читать далее...
5. A real bastardA little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. «What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?» «It’s mean!», the boy sniffed, «My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!» «That’s ... Читать далее...
6. Their true intentionOne morning a little girl ran inside and said «Daddy, Daddy my sister and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss ... Читать далее...
7. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
8. Leprechaun JokesThree guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. «I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total», says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, «I am a fisherman, my Dad’s ... Читать далее...
9. EnglandEngland is the largest and the richest part of GB. Its’ capital is London. The biggest industrial cities are London, Liverpool, Birmingham, Manchester, and other interesting cities as York, Chester, Oxford, and Cambridge. Stonehenge is one of the most popular prehistoric places in England. It is situate in the south-west of England. It is a ... Читать далее...
10. Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroomLittle Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little ... Читать далее...
11. Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noisesLate one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked ... Читать далее...
12. Irish religion jokesBoyle sat in a Belfast confessional. «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,» he said. «I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!» «All right, my son,» admonished the priest. «For penance, finish off the stations!» Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, «Thank you, ... Читать далее...
13. Spain JokesSpanish dining An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. «These, senor,» replied the waiter in broken English, «are the arms of the bull killed in the ring today.» The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the ... Читать далее...
14. Short Christmas jokesWhat did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day? Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve! What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month? The letter «D» ! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he ... Читать далее...
15. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughterOne day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, «I did that by accident.» She replied, «I know that, daddy.» He replied, «How’d you know?» The girl said, «Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!»...
16. Pecuniary reasonsA few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, «Does this fellow have any money?» The daughter shook her head sadly. «Oh Daddy! You men are all alike.» sighing deeply, she replied, «That’s exactly what he asked me about you.»...
17. The last requestFather O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. «What’s bothering you so, dear?» inquired Farther O’Grady. «Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.» Replied Mary. «Well what is it, Mary?» «Well, my husband, passed away last night, ... Читать далее...
18. Your father is drunkTo The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why, Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk. He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks, Daddy’s home and ... Читать далее...
19. Some practical jokesSmaller or larger tuxedo A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either ... Читать далее...
20. England (2)The United Kingdom is very small compared with many other countries in the world. However there are only nine other countries with more people, and London is the world’s seventh biggest city. When you travel about the country you can see how the scenery changes right in front of your eyes. Highlands turn into lowlands; ... Читать далее...
21. Amusing Jokes about the IrishMrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a ... Читать далее...
22. Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemeteryTombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna....
23. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGEGetting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, ... Читать далее...
24. French guy in EnglandFrench guy went for a job interview In England. He was told that he must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow. His answer was: «I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone «green green», I «pink» up the phone and I say «Yellow» Юмор в том, ... Читать далее...
25. Chicago JokesA man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary ... Читать далее...
26. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one dayFather, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, «Mummy, what is that long thing?» His mother replies, «That, son, ... Читать далее...
27. Значение идиомы big daddy[big daddy] {n.}, {slang}, {informal} The most important, largest thing, person or animal in a congregation of similar persons, animals, or objects. The whale is the big daddy of everything that swims in the ocean. The H-bomb is the big daddy of all modern weapons. Al Capone was the big daddy of organized crime in ... Читать далее...
28. An 18th-century vagabond in EnglandAn 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: «George and the Dragon.» He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. «Could ye spare some victuals?» The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. «No!» she shouted. «Could I have a pint of ale?» ... Читать далее...
29. Перевод сленгового выражения sugar daddy, значение и пример использованияСленговое выражение: sugar daddy Сленговое выражение: sugar daddy груб. Перевод: мужчина (или женщина), который дает, дарит женщине (или мужчине) дорогие подарки, деньги, и т. п., такие мужчина и женщина обычно состоят в романтических отношениях Синоним: sugar mama Пример: My sugar daddy bought me a new car! Мой любимый купил мне новую машину!...
30. Значение идиомы do things by halves[do things by halves] {v. phr.} To do things in a careless and incomplete way. When he reads a book he always does it by halves; he seldom finishes it....
31. Топик «День матери в Англии» (Mother’s Day in England)Словарь Possible [ˈpɒsɪb(ə)l] — возможный; To thank [θæŋk] — благодарить; Everywhere [ˈevrɪ veri] — везде, повсюду; Try to be — стараться. To honor [ˈɒnə(r)] — чествовать; Almost [ˈɔːlməʊst] — почти; America and England celebrate an wonderful holiday. It is Mother`s Day. There is almost the same holiday on the 8th March in Russia. Mother`s Day ... Читать далее...
32. Schools in EnglandEnglish educational system is quite different from what we have in Russia. It is class-divided. There some state schools and some private ones. State schools are infant, junior or secondary. British boys and girls begin to go to school at the age of 5. They draw pictures, sing songs, listen to the stories and tales. ... Читать далее...
33. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
34. One day, little Billy comes home from kindergartenOne day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also ... Читать далее...
35. The Bundle of SticksAn old man on the point of death summoned his sons around him to give them some parting advice. He ordered his servants to bring in a faggot of sticks, and said to his eldest son, «Break it.» The son strained and strained, but with all his efforts was unable to break the Bundle. The ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова sonSon — сын, потомок Перевод слова Sons and daughters — сыновья и дочери the sons of Adam — сыны Адамовы sons of Albion — дети Альбиона only son — единственный сын What’s your name, Son? Как тебя зовут, сынок? He was like a Son to them. Он был им как сын. Approach, ye Sons of ... Читать далее...
37. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priestA boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank ... Читать далее...
38. Russia JokesWhat’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
39. England — АнглияEngland is the largest and the richest country of Great Britain. The capital of England is London but there are other large industrial cities, such as Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester and other famous and interesting cities such as York, Chester, Oxford and Cambridge. Stonehenge is one of the most famous prehistoric places in the world. This ... Читать далее...
40. Jokes about Ireland 2Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Joey-Jim asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...