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1. A bartender was getting ready to close for the nightA bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, «This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!» The scared bartender pleads, «Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!» The robber yells, «Shut ... Читать далее...
2. The story of a very short manA man walks into a bar and says, «Bartender, give me two shots.» Bartender says, «You want them both now or one at a time?» The guy says,» Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,» and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his ... Читать далее...
3. I bet I can bite both of my eyesA man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, «I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.» The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass ... Читать далее...
4. TarantinoThis guy comes into a bar walks to the bartender and says» Bartender, I got a bet for you. I’ll bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a drop.» The bartender looks at the glass. It’s 3 meters away. He says……»You’re telling me you’ll bet me $300 ... Читать далее...
5. Looking to buy a frogA man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, «If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?» The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. ... Читать далее...
6. I trust you that you paidA man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. «But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer. «Okay,» says the bartender, «If you said you paid, you did.» The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees ... Читать далее...
7. The customs of an IrishmanAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, «You know, a pint goes flat after ... Читать далее...
8. A guy in a barThe bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You ... Читать далее...
9. I don’t owe anything for this drinkThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, «What’ll you have?» The guy answers, «A scotch, please.» The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars,» to which the guy replies, «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.» A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, ... Читать далее...
10. Bet made at the local barA man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy ... Читать далее...
11. Two guys are driving through Texas whenTwo guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, «Why’d you do that? The trooper says, «You’re in ... Читать далее...
12. Not a footAn extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, «Stick it through that curtain.» Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack ... Читать далее...
13. You can’t bring that dog in this barA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says «You can’t bring that dog in here!» The guy, without missing a beat, says «This is my seeing-eye dog.» «Oh man, » the bartender says, «I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on ... Читать далее...
14. Jokes of science 03Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, «How much for a beer?» The bartender ... Читать далее...
15. The hunting seasonThis truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying «NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT OWN RISK!» He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks ... Читать далее...
16. Ten pounds of prideA Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. «WOW!» was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, «Aren’t you ... Читать далее...
17. A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is toldA man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. «Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?», he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, «What’ll it be?» The man replies, «Give me a Stoli with ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод слова whipWhip — хлыст, плетка; разжигать, оживлять; побить, победить Перевод слова To snap a whip — щелкнуть кнутом it whips creation — это побивает все to whip up emotions — разжигать страсти Our team can Whip your team. Наша команда может побить вашу. He was a speaker who could really Whip up a crowd. Он говорил ... Читать далее...
19. The definition of a phallic symbolThis girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks «Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says «you’re kidding..» Girl says «no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???» Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says «You see? This is a failic symbol!» Girl says «Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller»...
20. Drunk orders himself a beerA man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink — he could ... Читать далее...
21. The wife is not speaking to meOne night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. «What’s the matter?» the bartender asks. «My wife and I got into a fight,» explained the guy «and now she isn’t talking to me for a ... Читать далее...
22. Camel DiedCamel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and ... Читать далее...
23. Two neighbors had been fighting each otherTwo neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year ... Читать далее...
24. Some very common traits in two drunksA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
25. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a barA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
26. He is a very fast drinkerA man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, «What’ll it be buddy?» The man says, «Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.» The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and ... Читать далее...
27. A man walks into a bar and orders two drinksA man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what’s going on. «Why are you pouring that drink on your hand»? ... Читать далее...
28. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heavenFour nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.» St. Peter says:»You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.» The second says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.» ... Читать далее...
29. A man walked into the bar and there was a gorillaA man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool. The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы buggy-whip[buggy-whip] {n.}, {slang} An unusually long, thin radio antenna on a car that bends back like a whip when the car moves fast. He’s very impressed with himself ever since he got a buggy whip....
31. A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it overA cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, «I’m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.» ... Читать далее...
32. Free drinks for everyoneOne night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: «Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.» So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: «That will be $36.50 please.» The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next ... Читать далее...
33. Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’sJust after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away ... Читать далее...
34. A really bad, terrible mistakeFred goes to a doctor and says, «Doc, I want to be castrated.» Doc says, «Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation.» Fred: «Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking ... Читать далее...
35. An Unusual AilmentA man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова yardYard — ярд; двор Перевод слова To sell by the yard — продавать на ярды (ткань и т. п.) all over the yard — по всему двору poultry yard — птичий двор The dog ran loose in the Yard. Собака свободно бегала по двору. The kids built a snowman in the front Yard. Дети слепили ... Читать далее...
37. A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrotA black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder…the bartender looks up and says » where the hell did you get that thing? The Parrot replies » Over in Africa, there’s millions of them » !!!!...
38. The real treasureAn 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, «See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a ... Читать далее...
39. Back in the good ole days in TexasBack in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing ... Читать далее...
40. 51 DAYS51 DAYS A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses ... Читать далее...