A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on

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1. A cattleman from West Texas died A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.” “The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter and […]...
2. Sister Margaret died Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. […]...
3. Three girls died and were brought to the gates Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.” “Which is…?”, they replied in unison. “Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl. […]...
4. Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.” “And what do you want?” asked St. Peter. “Lemme in!” replied Clinton. “Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and […]...
5. Перевод слова central Central – главный, центральный Перевод слова Central authority – центральные власти central control room – центральная аппаратная central failure – основной недостаток He lives in Central London. Он живет в центре Лондона. The roof is supported by a Central column. Крыша поддерживается центральной колонной. I failed to grasp the film’s Central concept. Мне не удалось […]...
6. It finally happened A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?” So Saint Peter thought about it a […]...
7. A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. […]...
8. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.” “Oh, yes. I’ll never […]...
9. Dealing with a lawyer A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in […]...
10. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace […]...
11. Перевод слова keeper Keeper – хранитель, смотритель, вратарь Перевод слова Keeper of manuscripts – хранитель рукописей lighthouse-keeper – смотритель маяка jail keeper – начальник тюрьмы Hold on to that boyfriend of yours – he’s a Keeper! Держись за своего парня покрепче: таких надо беречь! (разг. a keeper – то, что надо беречь и ценить) Am I my brother’s […]...
12. A Hero A large crowd had formed at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter came out with an announcement. “Because Heaven has become overcrowded, we can only let heroes in today. Is anyone here a hero?” One small man raised his hand. “I am,” he said. “What did you do that was heroic?” asked Saint Peter skeptically. […]...
13. Could be here sooner An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, […]...
14. How far to the town A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. “Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?” […]...
15. Arizona Man Trades $160K Diamond for $20 Weed, Cops Say An Arizona man could have gotten himself one of the fanciest cars on the road and had money left over with what a diamond he allegedly stole was worth, but instead police say he traded the $160,000 gem for $20 worth of marijuana. Walter Earl Morrison, 20, of Phoenix, Az., was charged with felony theft […]...
16. Policemen in Heaven St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.” “Wonderful my son, […]...
17. Ne day, this man, Tony, died One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could […]...
18. Перевод слова bare Bare – голый, нагой, необутый, скудный Перевод слова To bare one’s fangs – показать клыки bare hands – голые руки to lay bare – вскрывать, обнажать The dog Bared its teeth. Собака оскалила зубы. He Bared his back to the hot sun. Он обнажил спину жаркому солнцу. The room was cold and completely Bare. Комната […]...
19. The essential difference One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading two books – the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”...
20. Qualifying for Heaven Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […]...
21. The way he died A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. […]...
22. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […]...
23. That is ONE! A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was […]...
24. A golfer hit his drive on the first hole A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back […]...
25. The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, […]...
26. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. “Now, […]...
27. Перевод слова gate Gate – ворота Перевод слова Town gates – городские ворота to go through the gate – проходить в ворота to wait at the gate – ждать у ворот Gate five is now open for flight 509 to London, flight 509 to London now boarding at Gate five. Производится посадка на самолет, следующий рейсом 509 в […]...
28. Clean Jokes about Ireland An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be […]...
29. St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day An Australian joke… St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo’s stroll up. “Your names aren’t on today’s list… let me go and ask the Boss” he says. In God’s office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo’s, and God tells Peter to go and […]...
30. Happens For all of you out there who’ve had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It’s a classic! In tribute to those ‘special’ customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with […]...
31. Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, “Put this in and […]...
32. An American was waiting on a London street corner An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. “A bit airy, isn’t it?” remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, “‘Ell yes! What did you expect – feathers?!”...
33. Значение идиомы lay bare [lay bare] {v. phr.} To expose; reveal; divulge. During histestimony the witness laid bare the whole story of his involvementwith the accused....
34. Pirate at the local bar discusses his past A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and […]...
35. Holiday Travel It’s hard to avoid traveling Over The holidays but the experience I had last week really Takes the cake. I flew back to Tucson, Arizona, to be with my wife’s family, as we do every Christmas. I got to the airport an hour and a half before my flight, which I thought would be Plenty […]...
36. Значение идиомы draw a parallel [draw a parallel] {v. phr.} To make a comparison. It is easy to draw a parallel between the characters of Saint Francis of Assisi and Great Saint Theresa of Aquila, but this doesn’t mean that all saints are alike....
37. Fluffy died This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow […]...
38. Pick Heaven or Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have […]...
39. Musician Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, “I can do that!” Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach […]...
40. Camel Died Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and […]...